There is always a reason for the single state.

With my head full of 'American Gods' I am looking forward to my date with Mr Blonde tonight. Saw him last week as well and so this is some sort of record for never before have we been able (or possibly willing) to meet up twice in such short succession! I find the whole thing rather odd, though a lot less odd than everyone else seems to... I have mentioned it to a few friends and my dear old mother as well, and all to a woman make a most amusing screwed up surprised face and then say 'But why? I don't understand it?' or words to that effect. For though we have been going on dates since way back in August, we have yet to see each other more than twice in one month, we have only ever met up on week nights, he has very cheerfully paid for all meals and drinks, and yet he makes absolutely no move to see more of me, to start an actual relationship with me.

Yet I don't mind... Mr Blonde is a jolly decent man (and actually rather good looking as well which is always a big plus) and if perhaps he is just lonely and wants someone happy and chatty to take out to dinner occasionally then that is fine by me. I think he has a huge fear of commitment, which is why he has never had a serious relationship before, and I can totally see why. He sometimes leaves ages between dates and is very busy indeed at work where he also works long hours, he likes to visit his friends and family most weekends and has an active social life. Which doesn't leave much room for a girlfriend. Until last week in fact we hadn't seen each over for two whole months! To be truthful I thought it was over and that I wouldn't hear from him again, but then he suddenly got back in touch. Christmas makes people feel lonely I think. I have wondered if he is seeing other girls, but I believe him when he said he wasn't, and if he is then I don't actually much mind as we aren't sleeping together.

I always have fun when I see him, we chat and eat at delicious restaurants and then kiss goodnight and don't see each other for another few weeks... I like him, but am not crazy about him, and I must admit to enjoying being wined and dined very much, and as for him... Well I have no idea! Is he just lonely and like having someone to go out with? But surely it is normal to want more than just to buy me dinner?! And as for me, I like him enough to enjoy his company but not enough to mind very much that he isn't falling hopelessly in love with me.

So a lovely dinner tonight, and maybe even some yummy cocktails afterwards. Say what you will he does treat me well!

All in the past - the last of Germanicus.

On the eve of a new university term one takes stock, looks back at what has been and looks forward to what is just around the corner. This being a fresh beginning and a new start I am determined now to finally and completely put the ghost of Germanicus behind me. I still find my thought drifting to him and am making excellent efforts to cease such silly and weak behaviour. I must let the past be behind me absolutely.

I was helped in these commendable efforts by bumping into him quite by chance a few months ago. We spoke for ten minutes or so as we walked in the same direction and then said our goodbyes. I looked rather good (not my very best but thankfully I wasn't caught out at the corner shop on one of those mornings when I haven't yet washed my hair or taken my glasses off for contacts) and I was cheerful and polite but distinctly distant. He was quite nervous I thought as we started to talk, and for a while I could see the cogs in his heading turning over and over as he tried to make up his mind as to if I would have heard of his new girlfriend and indeed if he should mention her. He didn't, of which I was glad, as really what could I have replied to such a comment? I was careful to be very non-commital to his suggestions to meet up and even commented on finding out where he tended to lunch during the week that I was glad I knew, implying so I could avoid him (I know this sounds a bit rude but he is very difficult to strick a point home to and I would rather seem a bit rude and make him know I don't want to see him). It actually went very well for me: I looked nice and was very cheerful and enthusiastic about all the things going on in my life and was nice and polite about his life. My knees did shake a whole lot afterwards but I was on my way to a lecture so a lovely friend let me talk on and on about it and gave me a hug. By the time the lecture was over I felt miles better and like a weight had been lifted.

I am very glad we have now done the first meeting. It has helped a lot for he was a stranger to me, not the Germanicus of my memories, but a new and a different person. But I have no desire or wish to see to see him again. And really since it took over a year for me to bump into him I don't think there is much danger of that. Other than that one occasion I did once see his car driving past (I didn't see him in it) while on my to a party and it really threw me and made me all weird. My friends actually had to rally round and calm me down when I arrived, but I soon recovered on that occasion and now have no fears on such a score as the first meeting is over and I acquited myself very well indeed. In fact if there was a winner (and lets face it there always is) then it was I. I think all this time I had been worried about running into him, but now I have, it was okay and it is all over and the first meeting can never occur again.

So onwards brave knight to the next conquest. Actually I have a date tomorrow night with Mr Blonde, but more of that another time.

The over-sharer.

I think I have lately developed a rather unhealthy disposition to over share. A couple of weeks ago, after my date of the night before, I seemed to spend all day updating people on how things are going with Mr Blonde. I spent ages chatting to my hairdresser about it while getting my locks attended to, then bumped into my beautician also at the hairdresser and so filled her in, I met three friends at the library and told them, then first my mother and then my sister called so they got hear all about it (although admittedly my mother always gets a slightly different toned down version of my dates) and then I went out with friends in the evening, having of course spoken to my flatmate on the subject, to fill them in as well... But somehow Lancelot always wins and although I went out to regale my chums about Mr Blonde I ended up coming back to say goodnight to my flatmate and simultaniously announcing my love for Lancelot... She told me I had gone out besotted by Mr Blonde and arrived home having seemingly forgotten his existence.

We are still dating and things really are going well. Probably because I don't see him terribly often. It was his birthday a couple of weekends ago so I got him a very sweet present which he was incredibly touched by, and really that seems to have clinched it. I knew he liked me but now he seems to have been pushed over the cliff edge and really is very keen indeed. He has finally started telling his friends he is seeing someone and at long last he invited me back to his flat. I didn't go (was v late at night by then and I had an early start) but most promising that he asked me.

But then once again it has been another fortnight or so since I last saw him... this always seems to happen and means that no real connection can build up between us as it is always such a while since we were last together. It is definitely also the reason we still haven't slept together. The latter being rather peculiar when one works out that I have now been dating him on and off for four months!

University has kept me very busy of late but I am now free once more and it really would be lovely to either start going out with Mr Blonde properly or to find someone else. Lancelot I have pretty much given up hope of... alas sweet Lancelot my knight true and fair, would that you would love me...

One wonders.

Worst of all is the thought of what might have been... Struggling with Mervyn Peake's 'Gormenghast Trilogy'. It showed such marvellous promise in the beginning: all gloomy castle, dark corners, strange aristocrats and that wonderful overarching feeling of darkness and strife about to descend. But it just didn't live up to the early pages and by a mere few chapters in I could feel my attention drifting and my thoughts already turning fondly to thoughts of other great dynasty books like 'I, Claudius' and 'The Forsyte Saga'. I feel Peake fails to capture the Middle Ages properly as well which if done really well is magical. I recently read 'The Left Hand of God' and thought the way it captured the Medieval setting was incredibly powerful. 

Mr Blonde and I are still dating. I worked out recently that it has been coming up to 3 months since our first date. We are pretty much exactly where we were when we started seeing each other, just more familiar with each other now. We talk about the same sort of things each time, we only ever kiss goodnight, there has been no talk about any more significant type of relationship developing, we still only meet up about once every 10 days to 2 weeks and he still pays for everything when we go out. But I have to say that the more time I spend with him and the more used to his company I become the fonder I become of him as well. I would love to know what he thinks about it all though and why one earth he only kisses me goodnight.

Bumped into Phd Boy this afternoon which caused him to become very flustered and awkward. I was about to get on a bus and he was walking past. I saw him, smiled and we said hello then he somehow tripped over a dog and it barked at him as he said something about it being nice to see me. All over very quickly and I thought he was looking jolly attractive. Unfortunately this of course gave him a golden opportunity to get in touch and so I have just received a text message from him implying he would like to meet up. Some people are hard to shake off.

The sadness of love.

Germanicus has a new girlfriend.What is more they have been together for quite some time, so back when I was still a mess about us being apart he had launched into a full on proper relationship again. My friend recently met them together and says that the new girl looks crazily like me in terms of face and hair (though she is bigger and taller). I cried when I found out. I feel weird. I was right to split up with him and don't regret it. But I loved him so much, and for a long time was so happy with him, shared so much with him and truly thought we would always be together. When I split up with him I still loved him, and it feels as though he moved on so easily and it has been so difficult and challenging for me. I am not even ready for a real relationship now, so strongly did I feel for him and so lasting an impact has it had. He obviously didn't feel it all as strongly as I did. I feel so sad about it and dread the thought of bumping into him with her when I am out somewhere. I hate the thought of him being like he was with me with someone else.

I think it is that sense of being part of a team, of sharing your life with one other person. A person who knows you in a way no one else does. For no matter how close you are to your parents, siblings or friends they don't know you in the way that your partner does. The two of you become joined on this special level and share aspects of yourself that are a closed book to anyone else, and can become closer than you are to any other person. He has found himself on another team, and has already found that special connection and relationship with someone else. I am happy to be dating again but until very recently have not felt ready to share that kind of huge commitment with anyone but him. To me a proper relationship is a huge deal and I take that level of commitment very seriously indeed. For him to have been ready to just forget about me and commit so soon to someone else feels horrible. He has not done anything wrong, I just feel hugely sad about it. It hurts so much.

But life goes on and I will hopefully meet someone who is the right match for me one day soon.

Things are going very well with Mr Blonde. We had dinner and drinks again earlier this week and I really do like him more and more. He is not terribly intellectual and doesn't read the sort of books I do (he likes good old thrillers) and isn't awfully into culture in general, but he doesn't mind the least bit that I am (unlike my horrid experience with Phd Boy who clearly found ti intimidating). I find we actually have lots to talk about even though, or perhaps because, we like different things and I do think him jolly cute.

Still find it odd that someone can reach 30 without ever having had an actual relationship (nothing over a few months apparently) or been in love, but I expect he has just been busy doing other things and is probably picky. Though the way he is treating me; all the wining and dining and taking things jolly slowly yet quite obviously liking me a lot, makes me wonder if he is preparing me as his first real girlfriend... After all if not then surely he would have invited me to stay over before now if he liked me, or even just chucked me if he didn't like me? Interesting and most promising!

The friend who got in touch after years and years of not seeing him I met up with last weekend. We had a brilliant lunch and I found him just as clever and interesting as I remembered. We have lots of books and so on in common and I had such a great time with him. He then messages a couple of days later saying he had very much enjoyed seeing me again and sort of asking me out... the implication was actual relationship ask out which I must admit to finding a bit full on. I also found it hard to reply to, but in the end sent a sweet message telling him it had been lovely seeing him too. Hoping to see him again soon, but although I really love chatting to him I don't find him attractive at all... But then as I have found with Mr Blonde feelings can develop the more one gets to know someone, so perhaps I will find him more attractive in time?

Slime and sea-monsters.

Things with Mr Blonde are going rather well, he is a jolly nice chap and am seeing him again sometime next week. Date numero 3 was a great success and he claims that he hadn't been in touch since out second date due to being really busy at work and so on which I do believe. It had of course occurred to me that he had just been busy dating other girls but he actually said he has gone completely off the whole online thing and that I was the only one he has met up with... I do find that a little odd, but then I myself am hugely bored of the whole thing and have stopped logging into my account so it does rather sound as if he is telling the truth. Anyway he was most amused by my tale of the bad date which only lasted 40 minutes and didn't chip in with any experiences of his own so I think he is telling the truth. I was also reminded of just how good looking he is and after date 3 found myself looking forward very much to seeing him again. The only issue with Mr Blonde, however, was that if our first kiss was anything to go by then he is not at all skilled...

But I was more than prepared to put the bad kiss down to chance, error, circumstance etc though when a chap shoves his tongue down your throat straight away on your very first kiss... oh so slimy! Well it just isn't quite what one would want or expect to happen! But kudos to him for enthusiasm and after all perhaps he just miscalculated as it was late and he maybe rushed into the kiss goodnight. Date number 4, however, revealed that sadly this is indeed what he thinks the perfect kiss entails... Oh gosh so much tongue, so slimy and wet and without really doing anything with it... I do wonder now if good kissing equates to being good in bed... but then Phd Boy really was a very nice kisser and he proved incredibly lacking in bed... But perhaps he will get better? One can at least hope and we really did have a lovely time. 

Mr Blonde improves upon acquaintance and it is so nice to be going out with someone with no irritating claustrophobic clingyness such as insisting you text them when you get home safely or wanting to see you 2 or 3 times a week or texting you like clockwork the morning after every date just to say they enjoyed it etc. Phd Boy did all of these things and they ended up really annoying me. I like that Mr Blonde is clearly viewing this whole thing as nice simple dating without imagining that we are quickly becoming a couple. Amusingly he also seems to be one of those boys that if in passing you comment on any other woman being pretty they seem to think you are a closet lesbian! In my case I made some innocent little remark about Marilyn Monroe being beautiful and you should have seen the eye-brows shoot up! I later tested this being commenting on a female friend of mine and something about incriminating drunken pictures from a night out and I could see from his smile he jumped to the conclusion we had hooked up in some way. I wonder if he will ever ask me?!

What I do not mind but find rather odd, however, is that he seems quite content to have our physical contact limited to one quite brief kiss goodnight... We have been out four times now, and two of them recently, and so far that is all that has happened or been attempted and I can't help wondering if he is happy with that or, frankly, what he gets out of it all. He pays for dinner and drinks (I do offer but he very sweetly always refuses) then because he has an early start every morning we say goodnight about 11pmish, he kisses me goodnight and that is it. There has been no move on his part to kiss me earlier on in the dates, no hand holding, no anything. I have in no way tried to evade such intimacy, in fact I would rather like to have some yummy make-out sessions with him (I still do hope his kissing will improve, though he does also have a little stubble which is clearly going to give me a rash if we kiss for long) and last night took us to a very dark and snug little bar where we could easily have made-out out of public view, and yet he hasn't. Totally possible he is just tired by the end of the night due to long days at work, but he doesn't seem to be the sort of chap who thinks gentlemanly conduct behoves him to wait until more dates have passed before attempting more bases. Most odd... but I expect that rather like dear Lancelot he probably does very little before suddenly inviting one back to his apartment and sleeping with you all in one move.

But really it does seem like the ideal set-up: no commitment, no hassle, lovely restaurants and wine bars, good looking chap and the promise of something more in the near future. The Blue Peter Chap on the other hand I have phased out. We had vague plans to meet last weekend and he said to get in touch nearer the time, I didn't and the wet drip never got in touch with me either. I liked him and found him quite good looking (though really very thin. I much prefer rugby player types to football player bodies and he was jolly bean-pole like) but although confident and articulate he seemed jolly shy about kissing me and I strongly suspect him to be a virgin. Not keen on sleeping with a virgin; all that boring fumbling around and having to be ever so patient and kind. If I liked him enough of course I would still be interested, but I am not.

Following date number 4 with Mr Blonde I then had a ghastly nightmare about Germanicus... I was in his flat, which was freaky, and we seemed to be giving our relationship another shot until we started bickering and I told him I was leaving. So at least I left...

Thankfully I have not run into the hot lecturer around campus but I do seem to be making more effort in terms of forcing myself out of bed to wash my hair before my early morning lectures, which I suspect shows that my sub-conscious is trying to prepare me for the surely inevitable run-in with him.

Poor old books (of the fictional sort anyway) are not getting much of a look in now I am back at Uni. But I am amusing myself with 'Sense and Sensibility and Sea monsters', my fourth (oh god my fourth!) Jilly Cooper novel and Shakespeare's Sonnets. Jolly cross that they have just released a new all singing all dancing kindle in the states which will be coming here soon and does everything, also that the UK has just released a new kindle which is cheaper than the one I got and does just as much... So typical! S and S and S is not nearly as good as 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies'... it feels much more pulled about and jarring. I only got it because it was cheaper than getting S and S proper and as I already have a book version of it it seemed to make sense at the time... That is the problem with the kindle; it is so very easy to buy books that you get lots you would never bother to purchase in real life. But I also found lots of Shakespeare's plays for free so that was a good save.

Blast from the past.

Decided that I needed to do some research into the whole friends with benefits idea in regards to Lancelot and so spent yesterday watching 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Friends with Benefits' and 'No Strings Attached' thanks to the wonders of megavideo. The former I rather enjoyed but although I did like that they got together at the end I found it all strangely passionless... oh for sure they loved each other and had great fun and chemistry in that sense together, but there never felt like there was a physical attraction between them. There never felt any overwhelming lust and need between them to hook up and so I was left a little off put by that. Where as I thought the friends who get together thanks to a cringy double date were wonderful and I did much more believe in their chemistry. 'Friends with Benefits' had its moments, particularly thanks to a wonderful performance by Patricia Clarkson as the mother of the female lead, but I found it pretty tedious. It wasn't all funny and sexy but instead both characters though very attractive were really very dull. And the plot was nonexistent. It all felt much more like a couple who just have a rocky start to their relationship rather than any interesting and potentially challenging material about f**k buddies. However, it was head and shoulders above 'No Strings Attached' which despite the ever watchable Natalie Portman I found so dreary I couldn't be bothered to finish it. Which there is absolutely no need to do anyway as from the beginning we are all convinced (and quite right I might add) that the two characters will eventually get together and admit that they are in love.

I wonder if my research is slightly off... Books and Hollywood have already convinced me of the might and power of love, and how I will one day find the perfect man for me etc etc etc, could it be possible that Hollywood has also given me the wrong message about being special friends with a boy? Could it possibly be that Lancelot and I having gone down that path won't one day turn to each other and admit out love? But then if that does happen surely we will slip immediately into the plot of the ghastly 'One Day' (both book and film so it must be accurate) and over the years be friends of varying sorts before at long last getting married?

Well a girl can hope! The problem of course being (which is horribly obvious and equally horribly true) that I already adore him and he almost certainly (books have taught me that one is never sure what the man really feels, just look at Mr Darcy for dear old Lizzie Bennett had no idea he wanted to marry her until he proposed) doesn't feel the same way about me. I do wish I could convince myself he doesn't care for me... but sadly it is always possible to delude oneself and hold tightly onto little gestures or comments and give them a value and impetus they were not meant to contain.

But now that another uni term has begun I have lots to keep me occupied, not least that yesterday I made the alarming discovery that the hot lecturer I asked out last term has not moved on to another university as I was previously informed was the plan, but is in fact still here! I am horrified! Oh dear god the thought of having him as a lecturer again is so embarrassing... in fact I don't have him as a lecturer I am pretty sure but that still leaves the infinitely worse problem that I might get him as a tutor... that would be a nightmare as tutorial groups are very small and there would be so many opportunities for eye-contact and him thinking I had turned up earlier in order to try and speak to him alone.

I still feel that life is short and that one should grab any opportunities to go out with someone you like but really this is why one doesn't ask out a lecturer! I feel very cross and betrayed, he was supposed to be teaching somewhere else by now, I had it on good authority he wouldn't be teaching here still! Oh well with any luck I won't get taught by him, but that does still leave the dreaded possibility that I will bump into him, and in fact could bump into him at any time... But though I am now fearing such an encounter, just like in the case of Lancelot it does still occur to me at the back of mind that something might still happen between us... gosh I need to get a grip and stop daydreaming but it would be so lovely...

But I am keeping busy with men who are actually available and do actually fancy me and tomorrow is date number 3 with Mr Blonde while a chap who asked me out years ago (I was with Germanicus at the time and had to say no) has been back in touch and we are going to meet for drinks soon. Oh it is nice to feel one has options!

Friends with benefits.

Mr Blonde has been back in touch and we are meeting later in the week, the Blue Peter Chap is rather boring me now after three dates and still no kiss goodnight... but I think I will give him another shot as well. While Lancelot and I have been involved in witty and amusing texting amid further pleas for me to go and visit him again in the near future. I adore him and even though I consider him quite unsuitable as a boyfriend my imagination has rather been running away with me and I keep having visions of us in five years time suddenly realising we are made for each other and getting married... Probably should stop myself from that kind of thinking before it gets out of hand. But as I consider him not to be boyfriend material (not only because I think he would cheat but also because he lives too far away) I have been wondering about the friends with benefits idea. Lots of dirty weekends could be very good fun and surely if I knew that was all it was from the outset I wouldn't get hurt? Thinking along those lines I stumbled across the following, however, http://theurbandater.com/dating/friends-with-benefits.php/ and am now convinced that this has been his plan from the beginning.

The article sets out all the ways a man can lead a girl into such a relationship and I have to admit Lancelot as pretty much done them all to perfection!

Don't go on dates: He was very clear we were not on a date and indeed told me so at least twice in case I mistakenly thought we were.

Treat her like a friend: Lancelot certainly did this. There was lots of teasing and general banter back and forth, he didn't compliment me (well he did give in once or twice but this was not the general theme) and was generally chummy rather than in any way romantic.

Be sexual from the start: Yup he certainly was and we probably (he claimed he wanted to get to know me properly before we did but would clearly have given in if I had) only didn't have sex that night because I declined.

Make her see you are not 'serious': Well he definitely succeeded on this one as filled with so many hints and stories about one-night stands and ex-girlfriends I am sure he wouldn't be able to commit to a relationship with me.

No emphasis on kissing: And again yes! Lancelot's kisses were sparing, in fact incredibly so compared to other men I have dated and starkly lacking considering how close we came to having sex.

Sleep alone: Must admit he declined to share a bed with me and went off to the spare room...

He is grooming me to be his fuck buddy I am sure of it! Not unhappy at the prospect but really he is following all but one of the list of requirements and the only one he isn't following is the don't see her too often rule which he has going for him anyway as I live so far away!

Amused and rather unsure what my reaction is... Really I think I am quite flattered that he likes and is interested in me in any way whatsoever. I know I am great and have many fine attributes and also look jolly nice, but Lancelot I find so charming and utterly handsome that he makes me (this and the lack of compliments which I must admit I am rather used to receiving from men I am even sort of dating) feel unworthy of him and so to be of any interest to him at all... very pathetic of me but sadly true. And I know I would much rather be his friend with benefits than the girlfriend of either Mr Blonde or the Blue Peter Chap. Or perhaps I have just been reading too much Cooper and have become convinced that Lancelot is in fact my Rupert Campbell-Black?!

Oh wonderful RCB! I have late in life discovered the naughty delights of Jilly Cooper books. It is my great new shame as far as low-brow literature goes but thanks to my darling new Kindle no-one need ever know about it. I was most amused to discover on Amazon that of the top 100 free kindle downloads at least 20% are for erotica. People are obviously thrilled that at long last they can read whatever type of book they like without being judged in ay way for no longer do they have to brave the smirks of the cashier or the dread thought of their neighbour getting their parcel by mistake, oh no all they have to do is download it onto their kindle and they can then perfectly happily read their guilty pleasure on the bus to work without anyone being any the wiser! Gosh I do love Jilly Cooper... the books (yes although it has taken me a long time to stumble upon them I am making up for lost time and am already devouring my second) are in fact surprisingly intelligently and well written, the characters cleverly drawn and the plots are naughty without being actually smutty and all in all the books are best summed up as being jolly good fun and frightfully enjoyable.

Clean living.

Had a totally lovely time with my new online chap. Both in looks and actions he reminds me very strongly of a children's television presenter on Blue Peter from a few years ago, Matt Baker. He is very tall and thin, has very dark short hair and is good looking in a clean cut sort of a way. He is a terribly nice chap, hard working and sensible and probably rather straight-laced. I do rather wonder if he wouldn't become just a tad boring with all his clean living and what I suspect to be a very strict moral code... but it would make a jolly enjoyable change I must admit. I like him very much indeed and am really hoping to see him again soon. We strolled in the sun to a cocktail bar after meeting then had a super chat over drinks before I headed off to work. Unfortunately because we were late in meeting up we didn't have over long to chat, but it was awfully pleasant and we left it that we might do dinner later this week. Oh I do hope so, my Blue Peter Chap is so frightfully decent and would I think treat me very well indeed!

Mr Blonde surprisingly got back in touch. I really didn't think I would ever hear from him again but he messaged to ask about my weekend and I replied... I don't see the point in random messaging like that, there was no hint whatsoever about asking me out again, he just did vague 'How is your weekending'. If he had any guts he would either stop messaging me or ask me out again properly like a real man.

However, it is all rather pointless as I have found my one true love: my Kindle! It is totally smashing and I am having such a fantastic time filling it up with books. Off to bed for an early night to read more of 'The American Senator'.

The Lady of Shalott?

I really must start getting used to dealing with my re-date nerves as with my luck I have years and years of first dates ahead of me over the years as I search valiantly for 'the one'. Today I have my first date with a chap found online. He is slightly younger than me which I am not keen on, but at least has finished uni and does something financial. Strangely almost all the men searching for love online seem to work with computers or in finance... perhaps there is a dearth of women in those fields? Anyway he seems jolly nice, looks cute in his pictures and reads books so we shall see how it goes. Meeting in a rather cool little cafe which also serves wine so depending on how nervous I turn out to be I might go for the yummy grape option rather than the coffee.

Lancelot has accepted my invitation to stay with him and I am going to visit a week tomorrow and spend the night at his flat. I do rather wonder what he intends to happen and perhaps should have found out if he actually does have a spare room? He is so handsome I feel jolly intimidated and so have started a punishing gym and healthy eating regime... or rather I was doing awfully well with it all this week until I woke up this morning sleepy and with a hangover so am relaxing it again until Monday! I feel so in awe of his beauty that I even considered doing that strange Beyonce diet whereby you eat nothing for a week except this strange concoction of lemon, cayenne pepper and something else all mixed together... Well let us see how I feel on Monday about my figure. I hate the idea of fasting and the health aspects of it but I do want to feel thin and pretty for Lancelot (I am quite aware of how pathetic that sounds!).

Mr Blonde claimed to be under the misapprehension that I was busy this week when I asked him out, he also claimed to be very busy himself and so unable to fit me in. I think he is not terribly interested and just didn't want to say he didn't want to see me again. I would have liked to see him again but feel no great loss.

Had a ghastly nightmare last night that Germanicus and I got back together and then got married... it was so vivid that I have been unable to shake off the horrible feelings it roused and feel most disturbed about it all. I have recently been feeling very sad about things with him, and I did unblock him on facebook (though have not added him as a friend). I know I should be very careful and not let myself get into contact with him again because I would only end up getting hurt and back where I was a year ago... But gosh I did love him and I do miss him still. Whenever I am walking about the city I do regularly wonder if I will bump into him or see him with another girl, but I never have.

I do hope my date goes well this afternoon but I am not overly fussed I must say. Plus I have another first date lined up for next week and three other men still on the go with the whole messaging thing so things are pretty rosy. Plus in huge news I have just bought a Kindle! I am ridiculously excited about it and have spent all morning stuffing it full of wonderful books. Older books are free to download so I m amassing quite a wonderful collection. The first book I intend to read on my darling new companion is Anthony Trollope's 'The American Senator'. I heard some of the first episode when it was serialised recently on Radio 4 and adored it. Very much looking forward to starting it later, the heroine reminded me very much of Becky Sharp from my favourite 'Vanity Fair.

Perhaps I will spend my whole life searching for love only to discover that it was right under my nose the whole time: my books. Or it could be that my life is the search for love and that once found the curse will come upon me like the lady of Shalott?

Gentlemen of differing sorts.

Well I am on a roll this evening - not only have I asked out Mr Blonde but I have also at long last accepted my handsome London friend Lancelot (he has always so some unknown reason reminded me of that brave knight) invitation to go and stay with him... Though calling Lancelot a friend is something of a stretch as we have only actually met once and that was years ago at a ball. He is very arrogant, jolly good looking and we have flirted in texts and on facebook a few times a year since then which would always end in his asking me to go and visit him in the great capital. And at long last I have accepted and practically invited myself...

Very scared of the whole thing for no apparent reason and that is why I have made myself say yes. I seem to be irrationally scared about disappointing him as he hasn't seen me for so very long and that he will meet me at the train station, take one look at me and groan inwardly as he realises he has no wish to sleep with me after all... Which now we are friends on facebook does seem unlikely even I must admit. Oh gosh he is so dishy (and nowadays not many men fit that delicious description, it being mostly reserved for old black and white movie stars).

Mr Blonde has not replied and so it does not look promising on that front, however, I have sent all my online admirers replies (well not all, only the ones I like the look of) and have accepted both offers of meetings involving beverages. Phd Boy has yet again been in touch and this time wants to meet up and have 'a hot beverage'... Jolly silly of him as I only agreed to be friends in order to be nice, and really what else could one say? Also had a spiffy and long chat on the phone to my darling friend who reminds me so strongly of Adrian Mole so on the whole it has been rather an active night on the gentleman front!

 Oh Mr Blonde, you don't realise how easily you are going to be supplanted!

Brave New World.

I am continuing to be proactive and have asked out Mr Blonde rather than waiting for him to ask me. Why on earth not, and I expect he will enjoy and hopefully be encouraged by the fact that I am indicating I like him. I suspect not appearing to be encouraging enough has been one of my problems. But like with my easy ability to apologise and say sorry to people I think if I cultivate an ease of asking men out on dates then it will benefit me. For I have always found that because most others refuse or find it hard to apologise because I am willing to do it (often without meaning it) that it impresses and has a very good reactions, and surely being prepared to look like I am taking the bullet by asking men out will be much the same?

Still waiting for him to reply... He texted me this morning just asking if I had had a good weekend etc, I replied and then nothing... hence the eventual ask out by me... Wish he would hurry up, but then if he is not interested then I will probably never hear from him again so it may well be a long wait.

One of the problems of dating someone you met on a dating website is that they are actively looking to date women and so while seeing you are probably still messaging and seeing other women they have also met online. But then I am still doing that myself so all is fair.

Out of the other five men I have been messaging I have now been asked on dates by two and the other three are imminent. Jolly nice, though must admit am not much excited by most of them... But one must try and after all I have nothing to lose so am just going to say yes to both. They have at least made it through my rigorous initial screening process!

Love is a losing game.

Watching Gavin Henson haplessly trying to flirt with a bunch of women on The Bachelor this evening was like watching a cattle market in full swing. It was rather sickening as the girls all vied for the affections of such a non-catch simply because he is good looking and famous and they are all single and seeking an eligible man... Reminded me of myself man hunting via the internet and so it has also occurred to me that I really should put more effort into the messages I am replying to. So far I must admit to have found them incredibly annoying to reply to as although it can be interesting to read what they have to say, for the most part they are pretty generic and I really do think it is so much easier and more effective to simply meet up after a couple of messages for it soon descends into a back and forth of short messages that don't really help one much in finding out about them.

I currently have about four on the go messaging back and forth and the favourite is a teacher in his early thirties. He is quite good looking, claims to be Oxbridge educated and reads books. He has also travelled and does seem interesting. One of my other front runners is a chap who does a lot of hill walking but he doesn't read as much. And a new find is one who loves Howl's Moving Castle. I found the latter myself by searching, where as usually I have been lazy on that front and rather waited for them to find me... Which is really stupid and of course this sort of course of action is exactly why I have not found men in real life either as I have always waited for them to find/approach/ask me out.

So new resolutions: spend more time and put more effort into my messages and do more searching of my own. But I do think that being very clear about loving books in my profile and messages is excellent as a way of whittling out the ones I am not going to find interesting in real life and also a good way to put off the ones who might not be interested in me. I value brains and education very highly and so there is really no point in pretending otherwise as I don't believe we would have enough in common, no matter how nice or good looking they turned out to be as if possible I would like to find a boyfriend rather than someone to go on three dates with.

The more time I spend looking for love and going on dates with disappointing me the more I realise how lovely Germanicus was and what a special chap he is. I am clearly hard to please and very picky, the pool of men out there is limited and there are so few who I find myself interested enough in to date, while finding those special men is horribly hard as well. Germanicus is very intelligent, interesting, kind, beautifully mannered, very traditional and properly courts a girl, we had a lot in common and he truly loved and cared about me. No he didn't prove to be the love of my love, but he was a splendid first boyfriend and the more time passes and the more my heart heals I am able to look back and see him as the wonderful person he is. I hope he feels the same way about me.

Now what of Mr Blonde? I have discussed what happened on our second date with several friends and they all agreed that the poor soul simply had to get up for work in the morning really early and so it was entirely acceptable that he said he had to leave, and that it didn't indicate any lack of attraction. He did actually text me the next day as well to say what a lovely time he had had with me the night before (and praised my choice of restaurant and bar – yet another boy who leaves me to chose where we go each time). I forced myself (I must admit to a mild cross feeling left from the totally lacklustre end to the night before) to send him a sweet little response in which I said how nice it would be to see him next week as I was going away until then. Not heard from him yet... so hoping that I do but I couldn't tell if he really liked me or not, and I spill some of my cocktail on him when I was trying to rearrange my dress while sitting on a high couch... he didn't seem to mind and was awfully nice about it... But really I think I am just clutching at straws now and trying to second guess what he thought. Besides do I even like him all that much? I think I would just like the ego boost of being asked for a third date, and since I have yet to find anyone else who is better I would be happy to stick with him while looking... But then being absolutely honest I say that sort of thing as a defence in case he turns out not to like me, so that I can turn around afterwards and claim I wasn't much fussed about him either. But really it would be so lovely to feel I had someone interested in me properly once again, it gives one such a jolly safe feeling to have a fond love interest and he does seem nice (oh lukewarm boring word - perhaps I am not so very keen on Mr Blonde and do just want the ego boost after all!).

Bloody men.

What is it that I want exactly? I go on about wanting to find a nice chap who I quite enjoy spending time with and who will treat me to dinner and then when that is what I find I am still disatisfied... Mr Blonde and I had a yummy meal and wine, he paid then I suggested an excellent cocktail bar, we had delicious cocktails, eventually cuddling up in a little private nook at my suggestion then come 11.20pm he said he had to go due to work and having to get up at 6.30am...

Okay I knew he got up early but sometimes isn't it worth staying up late?! We hadn't even kissed and I thought it was imminent. We didn't meet up until 8pm and after all the finding him online, waiting all week for a second date and then all the date prep I was not a little put off by his wanting to end the date so very early. I hadn't thought much about when we would say goodnight but I guess probably 1pm or 2pm was the hour I had in mind. 11.20pm seemed bloody early to me.

I was obviously surprised but tried to keep upbeat although only allowed him to kiss goodnight to my cheek. Remaining cheerful does have its limits.

But surely this is ideal? I do want to be taken out and have dinner and drinks paid for by a jolly nice chap and not feel any obligation to sleep with him... and yet perhaps because of Germanicus and his general lack of interest in sex and because of Phd Boy and his lack of capability I now rather want some sort of physical interest in me... Oh Mr Blonde what a sap you are and this sort of treatment of girls is clearly why you have ended up dating online for although you are quite prepared to pay for dinner et al you then show no real interest in the girl although you probably feel it...

Rather too lilac.

Bridget Jones used to spend all day, or even several days, doing the all important pre-date prep. I must admit admit to following a similar pattern. Today will be filled with a gym visit, nail painting, exfoliating, hair treatments, leg shaving, hair styling, powdering my face and applying my lucky lipstick. All that effort to achieve a look that seems natural yet styled and belies all the hours of effort.

While the rain pours down outside I sit here at my computer waiting for my nails to dry (brand new nail varnish not a great success... it looks a very exciting shade of pale lilac in the bottle but is rather too pale and thick in real life, in future will reserve it for painting stripes or dots onto other colour bases I think, or perhaps for using with 60s themes outfits for parties) watching endless episodes of things on iplayer (very much enjoying Celebrity Apprentice and have rather a crush on the ghastly and cheating Piers Morgan). I am actually rather nervous about tonight... waiting a whole week for a second date is not a winning plan as one forgets all the things they told you on the first date and so I always confuse the things they have said to me with those of other people, particularly since I am messaging about seven different men on Match.com, and then the men seem hurt I have forgotten what they told me previously. Gosh what do I remember about Mr Blonde? He likes skiing... and that is about the sum total...

Not meeting him until 8pm tonight which I do find ever so slightly trying. I am not a late eater, I like to eat at the proper hour of 7pm or half past at a push but having to be nervous all day and then not eat until 8pm at night... Oh well can't be helped, but on the plus side it is because of his working hours so if we do end up in a relationship then at least I won't have to spend long evenings with him but can do my own thing until 8pm every night! Still convinced that boyfriends take up rather an excessive amount of one's time and am planning to be jolly strict and limit access when I get on, or perhaps just enjoy them and them split up as soon as my uni exams start to loom to give myself amply procrastination/revision time.

Immersed in the wonderful world of P.G. Wodehouse once more. One of the things I am most thankful for is that he wrote so very many books as I am still discovering more I need to read after many years as a fan. 'Hot Water' is my current and I am having a tremendous time with it. Such jolly happy books, they always leave a smile on my face and often make my snigger while reading them. I would rather like to be a heroine in  Wodehouse book, the men are always so honest about their love for and admiration of the women they fall for that I think it would be blissful. Added to which most of the heros are lovely Lords so that would be awfully nice as well.

Out last night with a good friend and discussing dating as one does she revealed that when dating her ex she was never the least but nervous before dates, even the first one, and didn't go to great lengths about date prep or thinking of outfits etc. But we ended up agreeing that this was because she had not been terribly fussed about him in general, and it seems only really went out with him from a sense of why not since he has asked me. Sad but there we have it and not unlike the way I felt about Phd Boy. We now both have a similar problem which stems from this in that both her ex and Phd Boy are still getting in touch with us and wanting to meet up... We neither of us were much interested in them but it was nice to date someone and so we went along for the ride, were sweet and nice and pretended to share their interests etc, and then when we both ended things the boys seem to have been left thinking that all was going so well until suddenly it wasn't. In Phd Boy's case he obviously thinks his big screw up ended what was a very promising relationship and so keeps getting in touch and trying to patch things over. But really if I had liked him more what occured would not have mattered and wouldn't have led to a split. Alas the perils of putting on a dating face and only presenting one's best side for they are actually left not truly knowing one and so think one is so much nicer and better than one really is. But then does one truly get to know them as surely we all put on our best outward appearance? But this at least means my nerves are good as if like my friend I wasn't then it would show I wasn't terribly interested in Mr Blonde where as my nerves are shouting out that I am!

But the nerves are also there because meeting in this way means that both of you are actively looking to date and for a relationship, and are so desperate for one that you have gone through the normal ways of doing it and ended up online and paid for the priviledge. So it follows that if your date then doesn't want to see you again there can be no excuse along the lines of they are not ready for a relationship or are too busy etc, but that they just didn't like you... This certainly adds to the pressure, sadly deep down though a self-assured and confident girl I do want to be liked.

Meanwhile the boring chap never did get back in touch and I have several chaps messaging, winking etc online at me. It really is a very long process... I was jolly surprised at just how long it takes before one of them asks to meet you in person but the average seems to be at least eight messages. A wink or at least some profile viewing goes before this and all the while you are weeding out the ones you don't like the sound/look of... It does get tedious, especially as one can usually tell within the first message and profile view whether one is interested... Which does seem to imply it is mostly based on looks which is slightly sad...

Cute but Stupid.

Even though it is the summer holidays I haven't been reading nearly as much as I usually do. This morning I discovered why I have been so apathetic in my pursuit of literature... I had mixed up my contact lenses and for the past two months or so have been wearing the wrong prescription in each eye... My god for an intelligent girl I can be very stupid at times! In fact this trait of mine has been rather unhelpful where boys are concerned. When they first meet me they find a blonde and ditzy girl and they think brilliant, she is cute but stupid and get all eager. But the longer they spend talking to me the more they find out about my interests, opinions and passions and that first burst of excitement soon dies as they get all disappointed as they make the discovery that I have brains. A whole lot of men do not want or seek brains in a girlfriend, especially if they suspect she has more of them than they themselves do. As in the case of Phd Boy they find it intimidating and off-putting. Oh well we all have our burdens and being clever is rather a jolly one to possess!

Mr Blonde waited the usual two days then got in touch and we have our second date tomorrow night. We are going our for dinner and he asked me to pick the restaurant. A very tricky thing to decide as one never knows if the date is intending to pay or if the meal has to be at somewhere that is within the good old student budget. After some deliberation I plumped for a very nice but informal kind of place with an organic and cool vibe. The food and in particular the wine are frightfully good and so if we end up splitting it I won't be impressed but won't mind too much. Our second date is a whole week after our first which id really not ideal as one forgets all the things they have told you and feels nervous all over again. Also a nightmare trying to decide what to wear, and of course the only thing I really feel like wearing is the dress I wore on our first date which is the only outfit I can't wear... Why am I so nervous?! Actually nerves are probably a good thing as they show I like him.

On the other hand if it doesn't work out I have the consoling thought that I am proving rather a hit at the online dating lark and have had messages and winks galore in the last couple of days (I have found one gets most interest over the weekends as all the poor lonely hearts suddenly feel lonely as all their friends are cuddled up with their girlfriends).

So roll on tomorrow night and before then all I have to do is fit in a big gym session and paint my nails... Oh I do hope it goes well, I remember Mr Blonde as being awfully nice.

Introducing Mr Blonde?

So two dates in two days, not a bad start to the week! Monday night was date number one:

Was jolly nervous and surprisingly anxious about it, mostly I think simply due to the bad experience of the aborted date the day before. I had arranged to meet him in a rather nice (but not off-puttingly so or too expensive) cocktail bar. It was a beautiful summer evening as I strolled over, compulsively checking that my skirt was not in some way tucked into my tights or that I had managed to get lipstick on my teeth. I turned up on time to find him inside waiting for me. I was struck by how good looking he was at once. Sandy blonde hair and really very attractive, also clean shaven which I much prefer but which was new since his profile pictures were taken. We shook hands and he went to get me a glass of wine.

Things went well and I felt relaxed and at ease from the start. We chatted about books to begin with but soon moved on to discuss him... Sadly he turned out to be one of those boys who love to talk about themselves, and even worse who talked quite slowly. The worst possible combination! I would try and seem interested and so ask him a question and he would then consider it for a few moments before launching into a long winded answer that would take many minutes to be over. A pause would then fall as I would wait to see if he was going to ask me anything, but no of course he wouldn't so to fill in the conversation I would ask him something else and so on and on and on and on. Additionally he managed to make just one pint last two long hours and when he originally bought me a glass of wine I was rather amused to see that his cheapskint instinct had kicked in and he had only got me a small! Telling little detail!

After almost two hours I thought him perfectly nice but oh so very dull. He went to the loo and I decided that when he came back if instead of sitting down he asked me if I would like another drink then I would agree and stay, but that if he just came and sat back down I would make my excuses and leave. He returned and sat down. I left. Unimpressed. Interestingly he had been nothing like I imagined from both his profile and from his messages. He had come across as cocky and charming in his messaging and a bit ruffled and not so hot in his pictures. Where as in person he was well groomed and much more attractive but ponderously boring.

Date number two was last night and really I couldn't be bothered. I was so unexcited that I almost called it off several times. This was not helped by the fact that his profile was almost empty and he had only uploaded one picture so I knew very little about him apart from the fact that he has blonde hair. But in the end I thought it would be good for me and so I put on a pretty little dress and headed out. He was waiting for me by the door and I was immediately struck by how attractive and blonde he was, as well as how smartly he was dressed (which I always appreciate). His profile picture really hadn't done him justice.

He got us drinks (buying me a large glass of wine as all proper boys do!) and we sat down and chatted. He was lively, clever and articulate and I enjoyed talking to him very much indeed. He impressed me with his interests, had a lovely smile and was jolly to be with. He bought us a second round of drinks (I did offer but he insisted which I thought splendid) and I got the third. We had a splendid evening and he eventually dropped me off at my front door in a taxi on his way back. The only awkward moment was when he went to kiss me goodnight in the back of the taxi - I was not expecting this, it was very dark and it turned into a kind of peck on the cheek vaguely near the mouth, then when I leant over to kiss him back on the cheek that didn't quite work either... but at least it showed interest on both sides.

I am definitely the type of girl who likes to be wined and dined and rather expects men to do the whole mannerly thing of holding doors open, but also I must admit I expect them to pay for the majority of dates, certainly at the beginning of a relationship. I did not take to date number one anyway but I really didn't like his cheapskate attitude where as lovely date number two seemed to get the balance just right. He is older than me and has a good strong career while I am but a poor student, so he is of course well placed to be able to do this but I still appreciate the fact that he did. It was also jolly good as a sign that it was a proper date and that he was interested in me and perhaps trying to impress me.

There was vague but promising mention of meeting in the future and I have rather been watching my phone all day but so far nothing... Must play it cool though and will of course wait to see if Mr Blonde gets in touch. Oh gosh I do like him a lot and am very pleased indeed by how last night went. Still working away at the online dating, and it really is work. It takes so much effort and time it is unreal! You need to find men you like the look of and sound, then 'wink' at them or message them and then wait for replies. Then all the messaging back and forth takes a long time and that first message to them is a nightmare to write... got several chaps on the go and there are two in particular that I like the look of and I am hoping will ask to meet me soon. Then of course one finds that no-one is exactly how they seem online. Take me two recent dates: the first was slightly better looking but character wise totally different to the impression I had developed, while date two Mr Blonde had given away very little online and definitely hadn't done himself justice where as in real life he is splendid both to look at and to talk to (and such lovely arm muscles though he is a tad on the short side...).