One wonders.

Worst of all is the thought of what might have been... Struggling with Mervyn Peake's 'Gormenghast Trilogy'. It showed such marvellous promise in the beginning: all gloomy castle, dark corners, strange aristocrats and that wonderful overarching feeling of darkness and strife about to descend. But it just didn't live up to the early pages and by a mere few chapters in I could feel my attention drifting and my thoughts already turning fondly to thoughts of other great dynasty books like 'I, Claudius' and 'The Forsyte Saga'. I feel Peake fails to capture the Middle Ages properly as well which if done really well is magical. I recently read 'The Left Hand of God' and thought the way it captured the Medieval setting was incredibly powerful. 

Mr Blonde and I are still dating. I worked out recently that it has been coming up to 3 months since our first date. We are pretty much exactly where we were when we started seeing each other, just more familiar with each other now. We talk about the same sort of things each time, we only ever kiss goodnight, there has been no talk about any more significant type of relationship developing, we still only meet up about once every 10 days to 2 weeks and he still pays for everything when we go out. But I have to say that the more time I spend with him and the more used to his company I become the fonder I become of him as well. I would love to know what he thinks about it all though and why one earth he only kisses me goodnight.

Bumped into Phd Boy this afternoon which caused him to become very flustered and awkward. I was about to get on a bus and he was walking past. I saw him, smiled and we said hello then he somehow tripped over a dog and it barked at him as he said something about it being nice to see me. All over very quickly and I thought he was looking jolly attractive. Unfortunately this of course gave him a golden opportunity to get in touch and so I have just received a text message from him implying he would like to meet up. Some people are hard to shake off.

Haunted by the past.

I had dreadful nightmares last night, one after the other on what felt like a permanent cycle of fear and unhappiness. My ex featured prominently. I had been thinking about him before I went to sleep and it must have seeped into my dreamworld. This morning I was drawn to his facebook page yet again (I perhaps foolishly unblocked him recently to have a look at his new girlfriend's page) and then spent an age going through our old email correspondence and our old photographs. Gosh we looked happy and every email spoke of how much he loved me. I hadn't realised quite how much I missed being frequently told how special I was to someone and how very much they cared about me. Having a loving boyfriend is like a wonderful thick warm blanket that is always wrapped round you in this cold world of ours, making everything nicer, happier and so much easier. I was debating with myself whether or not to add him as a friend on facebook... I think I am probably only debating it as I know it is a bad idea and that I shouldn't do it. I am already being distracted and upset by thinking about him again, surely being back in touch with him would just make it all much worse? Or would it help me to see him for who he really is, a nice boy that wasn't right for me and that I should stop looking at with rose-tinted glasses? Tricky. I think best not to do anything. I must just stop thinking about him and let it all go, after all it has been almost exactly a whole year since I last saw him, so why on earth do I still care so much? Besides if we met up and began some sort of uneasy friends relationship all it would take is for me to be suddenly left dating no-one again for me to start thinking of him with nostalgia and get upset and unhappy once more. Can't risk it. I must just have more self control and stop dwelling on the past. I must get over it and stop being so soppy.

To date or not to date.

The one big advantage to online dating is that everyone is there for the same thing: we are all looking for people to go on dates with and hopefully find one among them to form a relationship with. There is no beating about the bush, no need for those awkward moments when you are wondering if you are indeed on a date with them or if they just want to hang out with you as a friend, and best of all no need to discuss if you are on a date or not as you are both well aware that you are. In real life dating things are less clear and although personally I have no problems with assuming I am on a date, remaining calm and waiting to see if they will get in touch with me or not to take me out again. Simple!

Not so simple for other people as it turns out... After the shock of hearing about Germanicus' new relationship I took lots of deep breaths and decided to just get on with things and not dwell on it. The best way to keep my mind off it would of course be to get a boyfriend of my own, or at least have some jolly fun dating instead, so I texted the blast from the past boy and we arranged to do lunch yesterday. Now I assumed this was a date. Totally easy: nice meal, lots of wine, he very sweetly insisted on paying: it was clearly a date. Why he felt the need to question this simple logic is beyond me!

We had a very nice time, he is so easy and fun to chat to. Really very clever, well informed and interesting. I even found that although I still didn't find him hugely attractive, the more I got to know him the more I liked him. It turned into one of those very long lunches that go on until the early evening until you are both pretty sozzled after all the wine. I then left to get my bus and he gave me the briefest of kisses goodbye. All jolly good and we left it that we would do dinner again soon.

Then today I get the cringyest, most spine churningly awful text message from him trying to ascertain if we are now dating... It was dreadful and so horribly off putting! He did try a couple of times yesterday to ask me if we were on a date and from some throwaway remarks certainly implied we were. Well I was happy to go along with the latter and simply changed the subject when the former came up: hate that sort of embarrassing discussion and really I thought it most premature. What is wrong with just going on a couple of dates without having to have a relationship talk? I felt there was absolutely no need for it and wished to avoid it at all costs.

I like men to be confident and assertive, there is nothing more attractive than confidence. If he wanted to date me he should just have asked me out again, a cosy romantic dinner or something along those lines, and kissed me. Easy! Instead I get a message asking if I would like to on another date unless he has scared me away (which I don't understand actually... he hadn't done anything to put me off until his text message), then asked if these were indeed dates... Ghastly. Though I think I am biased anyway as he uses text language with lots of 2 instead of to and so on... I think I just find it all so awkward, fumbly and clumsy which makes me feel so uncomfortable and vaguely embarrassed about it all. Why why why did he feel the need to make things all awkward and uncomfortable by making things all serious and locked in?

Oh I know I am being much too harsh on him: he is a nice boy and is only asking me if I would like to date him... But a certain slickness and confidence would have been so much appreciated. Plus in a text message, really? Is that the right forum for such a question?! But it is my own fault for I suspect I am only so displeased about it all because it means I actually have to commit myself to dating him or plain out say no, rather than being left with a very pleasing get out clause because I hadn't ever actually confirmed we were going on dates... and I don't think I like him enough to commit, even to dating. Also he is nice and I don't want to hurt his feelings by going on a couple more dates before I chuck him... which I almost certainly would. Interesting and intelligent but just not attractive.

I recently realised I still have some old videos I once took of Germanicus on my ipod and seem to be unable to work out how to delete them... they are now taunting me. I should also stop facebook stalking his new girlfriend and being freaked out by how similar we look...

The sadness of love.

Germanicus has a new girlfriend.What is more they have been together for quite some time, so back when I was still a mess about us being apart he had launched into a full on proper relationship again. My friend recently met them together and says that the new girl looks crazily like me in terms of face and hair (though she is bigger and taller). I cried when I found out. I feel weird. I was right to split up with him and don't regret it. But I loved him so much, and for a long time was so happy with him, shared so much with him and truly thought we would always be together. When I split up with him I still loved him, and it feels as though he moved on so easily and it has been so difficult and challenging for me. I am not even ready for a real relationship now, so strongly did I feel for him and so lasting an impact has it had. He obviously didn't feel it all as strongly as I did. I feel so sad about it and dread the thought of bumping into him with her when I am out somewhere. I hate the thought of him being like he was with me with someone else.

I think it is that sense of being part of a team, of sharing your life with one other person. A person who knows you in a way no one else does. For no matter how close you are to your parents, siblings or friends they don't know you in the way that your partner does. The two of you become joined on this special level and share aspects of yourself that are a closed book to anyone else, and can become closer than you are to any other person. He has found himself on another team, and has already found that special connection and relationship with someone else. I am happy to be dating again but until very recently have not felt ready to share that kind of huge commitment with anyone but him. To me a proper relationship is a huge deal and I take that level of commitment very seriously indeed. For him to have been ready to just forget about me and commit so soon to someone else feels horrible. He has not done anything wrong, I just feel hugely sad about it. It hurts so much.

But life goes on and I will hopefully meet someone who is the right match for me one day soon.

Things are going very well with Mr Blonde. We had dinner and drinks again earlier this week and I really do like him more and more. He is not terribly intellectual and doesn't read the sort of books I do (he likes good old thrillers) and isn't awfully into culture in general, but he doesn't mind the least bit that I am (unlike my horrid experience with Phd Boy who clearly found ti intimidating). I find we actually have lots to talk about even though, or perhaps because, we like different things and I do think him jolly cute.

Still find it odd that someone can reach 30 without ever having had an actual relationship (nothing over a few months apparently) or been in love, but I expect he has just been busy doing other things and is probably picky. Though the way he is treating me; all the wining and dining and taking things jolly slowly yet quite obviously liking me a lot, makes me wonder if he is preparing me as his first real girlfriend... After all if not then surely he would have invited me to stay over before now if he liked me, or even just chucked me if he didn't like me? Interesting and most promising!

The friend who got in touch after years and years of not seeing him I met up with last weekend. We had a brilliant lunch and I found him just as clever and interesting as I remembered. We have lots of books and so on in common and I had such a great time with him. He then messages a couple of days later saying he had very much enjoyed seeing me again and sort of asking me out... the implication was actual relationship ask out which I must admit to finding a bit full on. I also found it hard to reply to, but in the end sent a sweet message telling him it had been lovely seeing him too. Hoping to see him again soon, but although I really love chatting to him I don't find him attractive at all... But then as I have found with Mr Blonde feelings can develop the more one gets to know someone, so perhaps I will find him more attractive in time?