New beginnings.

2012 has got off to a rather lovely start books wise. Unable to commit to just one blissful new book on my love of my life kindle I have instead plumped for lots. I have made inroads into them all but am nowhere finishing any of them, striving as I am to read so many at once!

'American Gods' by Neil Gaimen is shaping up very nicely and I am enjoying having him take a more serious and less shallow interaction with his topic matter. For once it is also a lot less of a fantasy novel for while it utterly is so, it is still set loosely within our world, rather than entering another world as 'Neverwhere' and 'Stardust' do. I already like it a great deal more than his other books.

'Death at Pemberley' by 'P.D. James is also most interesting. She is a prolific crime novelist and up until now I had never read her work, preferring my crime to be of the middle-class lacking in blood variety that dear old Agatha Christie was so perfect at. In this book she has taken 'Pride and Prejudice' (definitely in my top ten all time favourite books) and sets her novel 6 or so years after the marriage of Darcy and Elizabeth. The premise still being the solving of a crime, however, for one night Lydia comes screaming into Pemberley claiming Wickham has been murdered. The book so far is just readable but frankly after the first few pages which were a delight, conjuring up as they did the magic of Austen, the style in which James is writing becomes very irritating. She is clearly trying to write in the style of Austen but it lacks the humour and the ease and feels very stilted and heavy-handed. This is a shame as the actual plot is rather good.

'The American Senator' by Anthony Trollope is absolutely marvellous. I have read a great deal of his work but up until now (barring perhaps the excellent 'Lady Anna') I haven't felt he came anywhere near his magnum opus 'The Way We Live Now'. But 'The American Senator' is proving to be jolly good and almost in the same sort of way. There is an excellently scheming heroine who reminds one a good deal of Rebecca Sharp in 'Vanity Fair', a real heroine who as always is a bit of a milk sop, engagements, love interests, battles over ethics, an American who challenges the way of life of the English upper classes... it is a joy to read and so delightfully long that it can accompany me for a good long time.

'Westwood' by Stella Gibbons which is okay... I loved 'Cold Comfort Farm' and adore 'Nightingale Wood' but so far this is not living up to expectations. I was half expecting this for when an author is so universally known only for one book it takes a bit of a leap to bother with the others, but 'Nightingale Wood' I loved so much I thought perhaps her other work had been unfairly looked over. I will stick it out but the pleasure in her words, her usual witty turns of phrase do seem to be lacking.

Also 'Service with a Smile' by the ever charming P.G. Wodehouse. It is his usual best and is a delightful Blandings book. I do love Wodehouse, he really takes a lot of beating and I have never read anything remotely like him in style or content.

The utter joy of the kindle is that one can also download samples of books so for my perusal I have 'A Game of Thrones' by George R.R. Martin and 'Rangarok: The End of the Gods' by A.S. Byatt.

The long wait of Lady Sybil Vimes.

Alas he said no... or rather he was probably saying no. Very odd reply which I originally took to mean he was turning me down, but has been interpreted by several friends as meaning that he didn't realise I was asking him out. But although I like this ego comforting theory I suspect said friends are just being nice and the delicious lecturer was trying to let me down nicely. Jolly embarrassing either way and I have found out how truly horrible it is to ask someone out and have them say no... actually this is the first time I ever have. Nasty stuff it turns out but I can at least console myself with the thought that I am jolly unlikely to ever see him again which is wonderfully good at overcoming my total sense of embarrassment and sorrow.

Sadly I did like him rather an awful lot, and although I had no reason to think he wanted to go out with me he definitely did enjoy my company. Gosh I miss him now... I really do feel a sense of loss, almost as though I have lost a good friend, for I am one of those people who likes to have a backup daydream, a storyline of sorts one can tune into when needed, like when waiting for a bus or during a dull lecture. And for the last two months or so he has been part of my daydreams. But now all of that is no more and though I am, or rather will be when I can stop cringing at the memory of asking him out, glad that I had the guts to ask him out (after all it was worth a shot and was the only way I could have ended up dating him), I still miss his presence in my life. It reminds me of the scene in 'Love in a Cold Climate' by Nancy Mitford where Fanny is asked if she is in love and replies in the affirmative. Her questioner answers that of course she is, for otherwise what on earth would she think about when alone?

I have not had much luck with men since splitting up with my ex and it makes me rather sad sometimes. I am attractive, slim and rather pretty, clever and interested in lots of things, but although men do seem to like me they don't ask me out... Apart from a boring tory boy only my cute friend in London has asked me out since last summer. Actually the latter is lovely but rather a flirt and though we could have some fun together, and indeed might well do over the summer, that will be all and no relationship or even real dating will come out of that. Meanwhile my flatmate is practically living at her boyfriend's house and my best friend's married lover has told her he is leaving his wife for her... Plus I did like the lecturer chap so very much...

I have several times expressed my desire to be like Lady Sybil and find my Sam Vimes, but I have just realised that Sybil lived alone and without love until her 40s (or possibly late 30s) before suddenly meeting Vimes. While their relationship is jolly romantic and certainly worth waiting for, all of a sudden I don't like the notion that I might have to sacrifice myself to a similar fate of being dateless and without a love life until I hit 40... Not a happy thought but not at all sure what to do to avert it. After all the only thing one can really suggest to combat that is not to wait for men to ask you out but to do the asking, and as I have just demonstrated that does not help things as the horrid men say no! Perhaps turning to the example of Becky Sharp really is the way to go... at least she didn't mind not being in love but focused instead on herself and having a wonderful time...

My hero, Becky Sharp.

What is it I wondered that we are all searching for? We spent much of our free time and most of our daydreams thinking about meeting the right person, falling in love and spending the rest of our lives with them. In reality all we are so desperately rushing towards is the boring toil of domesticity and the trapped feeling of co-dependency.

I am now properly single, properly as in yes I still hate him but am much less bothered in general and have even started going back to the gym which is a definite sign that I am actively over him and am much more interested in looking good than being sad and cross. Anyway now that I am properly single I am jolly, indeed horribly, keen to get a new boyfriend. But why am I so keen to get embroiled with a new chap so soon?

Is it because I don't like being single? No, certainly not. I am having lots of fun with friends, love being able to do what I want whenever I want, enjoy flirting and looking at lots of men and there are are so many hidden benefits like being able to eat onions in salads and put spring onions on lots of dishes (oh the delights of onions and yet the bad breathe!).

Is it because I think I can only be completed and defined by a man? Nope, not that either. I am very happy and am very independent. I find great joy in my good grades at uni, have very good and fulfilling friendships and relationships with my family and have a good friend as a flatmate. I don't have dreams of being a housewife but want a fulfilling and exciting career and although it might be nice to have children one day I am in no rush and would only ever have them if happily married rather than want them enough to use a sperm bank or something like that (not that I think there is anything wrong with other people doing that).

Is it because I am lonely? Another no. I am very busy with coursework, friends and if I feel a sudden urge to talk to someone then I can always call my parents or sister or knock on my flatmate's door. Plus I have always been good at spending time by myself, my motto being that one is never alone with a good book.

So why do I so actively desire to have another boyfriend?

I think I, like others, have been sold down the river of believing in all the books I read and movies I see where there is romance. I have been sold the dream that being in love is the best and most desirable thing in the world. That being in love is the most perfect state and that meeting the man who truly loves me will be the most defining point in my life. That no matter what I achieve it will pall into nothingness when I meet my true love. I want to meet my Mr Darcy, my Rhett Butler, my Aragorn... Maybe even through all this outside influencing deep down I still know how to protect myself against it for it is surely not for nothing that I am drawn to 'Vanity Fair' as my favourite book for Becky Sharp needs no man and never relies on a man.

Ode to Becky Sharp.

I want to become Becky Sharp. She is completely independent, strong, capable, knows what she wants and goes for it, brave, beautiful, cunning and never falls in love or is a slave to love in any way. 'Vanity Fair' by William Makepeace Thackeray has been my favourite book of all time since I read it at the tender age of 13. I have ever since admired and adored its anti-heroine Miss Sharp who used her wits and her cunning to get what she wanted. Admittedly she is ruthless, cold and even heartless upon occasion but rarely without cause. She rose from nothing and created several lives for herself as she rose upwards in society. I always thought Thackeray might have allowed her to rise again after her tremendous fall from grace at the end but instead he gave the mld mannered and totally characterless milksop Amelia the more rounded ending. Although even there he was not above sticking the thorn in as he described her final family setup.

I met Germanicus for lunch a few hours ago and it was monstrous. I feel more confused than ever. I don't know what I want but I suspect it is him and that suspicion does not please me. I need to be more like Becky and simply pursue a nice chap who will take me out for lots of dinners rather than allow myself to be hung up over my ex. Onwards brave girl and find yourself another beau! I am even considering going on another date with that boring boy... I am attending a flat-warming party tonight so I think I will wait and see if I meet someone else before getting in touch with that chap again!

Meanwhile one of my close friends is clearly falling for her ex-lover the married man and my flatmate spends every single evening and night with her boyfriend. She met him a grand total of three weeks ago today and they have literally been inseperable ever since. I haven't met him yet but he sounds very nice though he is clearly a serial relationshipper and after only three weeks is already trying to make their relationship all official and proper girlfriend/boyfriendy. This wouldn't matter much with most girls but my flatmate has never had a proper relationship before (a good number of dates and a whole bunch of one night stands) and seems to be sending him commitment freak signs while he sends in love signs!