Friday, 14 October 2011

The sadness of love.

Germanicus has a new girlfriend.What is more they have been together for quite some time, so back when I was still a mess about us being apart he had launched into a full on proper relationship again. My friend recently met them together and says that the new girl looks crazily like me in terms of face and hair (though she is bigger and taller). I cried when I found out. I feel weird. I was right to split up with him and don't regret it. But I loved him so much, and for a long time was so happy with him, shared so much with him and truly thought we would always be together. When I split up with him I still loved him, and it feels as though he moved on so easily and it has been so difficult and challenging for me. I am not even ready for a real relationship now, so strongly did I feel for him and so lasting an impact has it had. He obviously didn't feel it all as strongly as I did. I feel so sad about it and dread the thought of bumping into him with her when I am out somewhere. I hate the thought of him being like he was with me with someone else.

I think it is that sense of being part of a team, of sharing your life with one other person. A person who knows you in a way no one else does. For no matter how close you are to your parents, siblings or friends they don't know you in the way that your partner does. The two of you become joined on this special level and share aspects of yourself that are a closed book to anyone else, and can become closer than you are to any other person. He has found himself on another team, and has already found that special connection and relationship with someone else. I am happy to be dating again but until very recently have not felt ready to share that kind of huge commitment with anyone but him. To me a proper relationship is a huge deal and I take that level of commitment very seriously indeed. For him to have been ready to just forget about me and commit so soon to someone else feels horrible. He has not done anything wrong, I just feel hugely sad about it. It hurts so much.

But life goes on and I will hopefully meet someone who is the right match for me one day soon.

Things are going very well with Mr Blonde. We had dinner and drinks again earlier this week and I really do like him more and more. He is not terribly intellectual and doesn't read the sort of books I do (he likes good old thrillers) and isn't awfully into culture in general, but he doesn't mind the least bit that I am (unlike my horrid experience with Phd Boy who clearly found ti intimidating). I find we actually have lots to talk about even though, or perhaps because, we like different things and I do think him jolly cute.

Still find it odd that someone can reach 30 without ever having had an actual relationship (nothing over a few months apparently) or been in love, but I expect he has just been busy doing other things and is probably picky. Though the way he is treating me; all the wining and dining and taking things jolly slowly yet quite obviously liking me a lot, makes me wonder if he is preparing me as his first real girlfriend... After all if not then surely he would have invited me to stay over before now if he liked me, or even just chucked me if he didn't like me? Interesting and most promising!

The friend who got in touch after years and years of not seeing him I met up with last weekend. We had a brilliant lunch and I found him just as clever and interesting as I remembered. We have lots of books and so on in common and I had such a great time with him. He then messages a couple of days later saying he had very much enjoyed seeing me again and sort of asking me out... the implication was actual relationship ask out which I must admit to finding a bit full on. I also found it hard to reply to, but in the end sent a sweet message telling him it had been lovely seeing him too. Hoping to see him again soon, but although I really love chatting to him I don't find him attractive at all... But then as I have found with Mr Blonde feelings can develop the more one gets to know someone, so perhaps I will find him more attractive in time?

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