The long wait of Lady Sybil Vimes.

Alas he said no... or rather he was probably saying no. Very odd reply which I originally took to mean he was turning me down, but has been interpreted by several friends as meaning that he didn't realise I was asking him out. But although I like this ego comforting theory I suspect said friends are just being nice and the delicious lecturer was trying to let me down nicely. Jolly embarrassing either way and I have found out how truly horrible it is to ask someone out and have them say no... actually this is the first time I ever have. Nasty stuff it turns out but I can at least console myself with the thought that I am jolly unlikely to ever see him again which is wonderfully good at overcoming my total sense of embarrassment and sorrow.

Sadly I did like him rather an awful lot, and although I had no reason to think he wanted to go out with me he definitely did enjoy my company. Gosh I miss him now... I really do feel a sense of loss, almost as though I have lost a good friend, for I am one of those people who likes to have a backup daydream, a storyline of sorts one can tune into when needed, like when waiting for a bus or during a dull lecture. And for the last two months or so he has been part of my daydreams. But now all of that is no more and though I am, or rather will be when I can stop cringing at the memory of asking him out, glad that I had the guts to ask him out (after all it was worth a shot and was the only way I could have ended up dating him), I still miss his presence in my life. It reminds me of the scene in 'Love in a Cold Climate' by Nancy Mitford where Fanny is asked if she is in love and replies in the affirmative. Her questioner answers that of course she is, for otherwise what on earth would she think about when alone?

I have not had much luck with men since splitting up with my ex and it makes me rather sad sometimes. I am attractive, slim and rather pretty, clever and interested in lots of things, but although men do seem to like me they don't ask me out... Apart from a boring tory boy only my cute friend in London has asked me out since last summer. Actually the latter is lovely but rather a flirt and though we could have some fun together, and indeed might well do over the summer, that will be all and no relationship or even real dating will come out of that. Meanwhile my flatmate is practically living at her boyfriend's house and my best friend's married lover has told her he is leaving his wife for her... Plus I did like the lecturer chap so very much...

I have several times expressed my desire to be like Lady Sybil and find my Sam Vimes, but I have just realised that Sybil lived alone and without love until her 40s (or possibly late 30s) before suddenly meeting Vimes. While their relationship is jolly romantic and certainly worth waiting for, all of a sudden I don't like the notion that I might have to sacrifice myself to a similar fate of being dateless and without a love life until I hit 40... Not a happy thought but not at all sure what to do to avert it. After all the only thing one can really suggest to combat that is not to wait for men to ask you out but to do the asking, and as I have just demonstrated that does not help things as the horrid men say no! Perhaps turning to the example of Becky Sharp really is the way to go... at least she didn't mind not being in love but focused instead on herself and having a wonderful time...

The power of creation.

A great favourite of mine, and one of the best modern classics, is 'Cold Comfort Farm' by Stella Gibbons. It is a delightfully whimsical book which manages to subtly combine wit, humour and beautiful insights into what darling Miss Marple always referred to as human nature. Stella Gibbons is rightly remembered for this masterpiece and highly praised for it but her other masterpiece, 'Nightingale Wood' tends to be totally dismissed and forgotten yet for me although not absolutely reaching the great heights of genius that 'Cold Comfort Farm' gives us, the former is probably my favourite.

'Nightingale Wood' is a delicious modern fairytale in a way that reminds me very much of another great favourite of mine, 'Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day'. It has wonderfully true and poigniant insights into the human character, has an achingly romantic soul without being in any way cheap or maudlin about it, and by relating the character's lives in such a way as to incorporate their boredom and their longing for more it strikes a deep cord within me. It is the delightful story of a young widow called Viola (named after Shakespeare's for her father was a great devotee of the great man) who goes to live with her desperately dull in-laws and harbours vague and unlikely dreams about the local handsome young squire. It is perfectly splendid and so much more than a silly romance, though it always sounds suspiciously like one when one relates the general plot, but it is filled with such sharp insights into the characters and their desires and ultimately whether when they do all get what it is they thought they wanted, whether their previous desires give them fullfillment. I adore it and it fits delightfully inbetween my love for 'Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day' and the books of Nancy Mitford whose 'Don't Tell Alfred' I am also re-reading, along with 'The Provincial Lady in London' by E. M Delafield. Though sadly the latter is pretty awful and the poor woman only wrote one good book, 'Diary of a Provincial Lady' which she then attempted to ruin by cashing in on her creation and writing another four books about, all of them  perfect rotters.

I love the feel of Stella Gibbon's books, or rather of the two already mentioned s I have not read any of her others since they are so hard to get hold of and not meant to be much cop. And the specific feel she creates is why 'Cold Comfort Farm' works so well for in one's ordinary live you can imagine what the protagonist would advice and instruct you to do and even hear her voice imperiously suggesting to you. In 'Nightingale Wood' the feel is also there and one becomes totally submerged in the characters and their lives, to such an extent that the feeling and the people live on with you for some time after the book has been read. It is not often that an author makes me feel like that, but the most powerful and memorable time was after reading 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' which lived with me for an age afterwards and is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. Interestingly there seems to be no particular type of book or author for this to happen as the only other example that was striking enough for me to remember off the top of my head is 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring'.

The power of physical attraction.

Stuck deep in essay season which I enjoy complaining about very much indeed. In fact although it is jolly hard work and my essay topics seem to be incredibly difficult and insurmountable I am really loving being busy and constantly on the move. Even when I allow myself breaks they are glorious and sleepy and highly enjoyable in contrast to the indignities of essay writing. The only downside is that as I have so much reading of textbooks to do for them that I am shamelessly neglecting the reading of fiction, bar the odd forage into a Nancy Mitford and my wonderful discworld audiobooks (just bought Monstrous Regiment from itunes).

That boring Tory boy did indeed ask me out again, for this Saturday night, but I have turned him down and pleaded my latest essay as an excuse. I truly find him physically repulsive... I feel rather bad about that as he is not particularly unattractive: normal height, dresses quite well, unremarkable looks but nothing hideous and so on. But for some reason the very idea of kissing him (well kissing I could probably manage but certainly the notion of anything else) makes me feel rather disgusted... I would so much rather kiss my chubby lecture buddy who I can perfectly well see is a lot less attractive... most odd. Like most of us I am vain and so I am very pleased he wants to go out with me, but all the same I think I would probably rather he didn't ask me again. Being physically attracted to someone is so important, I am not prepared to sacrifice something like that just to get a date.

Meeting up with a couple of good friends tonight, the one with the married chap and our mutual male friend. Things became weird between myself and my male friend after I split up with my horrid ex-boyfriend. He started to behave slightly differently and I was a little freaked out by it although thankfully he didn't do anything and clearly because of how he felt he avoided me for a few months after that. I like my male friends to be nice and safe, to know for sure that no matter how drunk we get nothing will happen between us. My flatmate, until her boyfriend, always seemed to end up sleeping with or kissing her male friends when very drunk. These incidents were almost always one offs and left her in uncomfortable, I like him but what does he feel and we are friends and this is very messy territory which I personally wish to avoid. Anyway he and I seem to be pretty much back to where we were before.

This is the day on which my other friend sees her married chap. She is meeting us for drinks and dinner and then going to see him. I wish she would change her mind and not meet up with him. She is being messed about by him and no matter how hard it is for her now it will be so much worse when they eventually have to stop seeing each other, and she will clearly be the one to have to end it some day which will be dreadful for her, he won't even have the guts to do that. She does still have her actual boyfriend but from what she told me earlier in the week when we met for lunch she seems to be tiring of him, and were they to finish I am sure she would start up a proper affair again with the married man. I don't want her to get hurt and I can see her gliding along towards a horrid breakup. I really need to come up with literary names for her and my flatmate and others, especially now I have named Moist... I will consider naming them after discworld characters but am concerned that that could spoil the books for me!

In Pursuit of Love.

Like Lydia of "In Pursuit of Love' I feel I have entered the cold years at home during which all I can do is play endless games of cards and greedily watch the minutes tick by on the clock. But I need to realise that that is far from being the case. I am perfectly able to find a wonderful man, I just need to look.

Still having a very yummy and fat making time following my Bridget Jones diet and as I have essay deadlines it shows no signs of stopping yet, though I really should try going back to the gym...

The boring Tory chap I went on that one date but not a date with is having his birthday party on Saturday night and I have decided that I absolutely must attend. I predict lots of men to meet! Plus they are jolly likely to be nice conservatives which is even better. While it would not bother me in the least to date a non-tory, it does at least show you from first meeting that you might have things in common and I find it a useful starting point. The now much hated ex was one when we first met (he later defected which just shows how spineless he is).

Had a very long chat with my friend about her situation with her married man last night. Although I don't think she can possible know she wants to be in a relationship with him based on only a few hours one day a week and a few snatched nights together she is sure she is in love with him. It makes it impossible for me to judge her (on that issue, I might add I do not think it right to continue with her boyfriend while she is in love with someone else) and just makes me feel sad that she is so sure and yet can't have him. The married chap is very good looking, much older and seems intelligent and nice enough, but he is cheating on his wife and has no intention of leaving her. He tells my friend often that he loves her but can't leave his wife, but refuses to break all connection with my friend. I think he is treating her very badly and that she is allowing him to do so based on her belief that she loves him.

I feel shameful about the following confession but it is the truth: I am jealous of her situation even though it involves pain because it also involves love and because she has the love of not one man but two. She has both devoted boyfriend and her affair. She is cheating on her loving boyfriend (technically he has not told her he loves her but it is very obvious) but admits to feeling no guilt over it. Oh it is petty of me and I am aware that I am also jealous of her having two men and me none, but I still think she is behaving badly to the boyfriend and just on a moral base level I don't like it and don't belief (although who can ever say for certain) that I would ever do that to someone. It is bad enough to have an affair with a married man but to do so while also cheating on your boyfriend is just being greedy!

Comfort reads and Richard Yates.

I have a stinking cold and so have been hunting out my most comforting reads. For some reason amusing diaries are tremendous favourites of mine in times like this and so good old Adrian Mole has been looked out, as has 'Diary of a Nobody' and Bridget Jones might even make an appearence. Nancy Mitford is another great standby and her 'Love in a Cold Climate' is my most re-read book of all. I just adore the way she writes and think her one of the most under-rated authors of all time. That title used to belong to Richard Yates. I discovered him about 7 years ago when my mother bought me 'Revolutionary Road'. I adored it and went on to read his full back catalogue.

Richard Yates specialised in writing of the bursting of the American bubble post World War II and the enemy in all of his novels was the dreaded surburbs. His use of words is incredible and there is never a superfluous word, his style is so sharp and precise. He was much lauded by fellow authors and by some critics during his life but his books did not sell and he was very hard up. He used a lot of his own or friends experiences in his books and the one criticism I have ever agreed with about his work is that there are many aspects from different books that are hugely similar.

'Revolutionary Road' was his first book and I believe his best, although 'Easter Parade' is rypically recognised as being his best work. The former was made into a film a couple of years ago by Sam Mendes and staring Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio and all of a sudden Yates' legacy altered beyond all recognition and his books were stocked everywhere and most of them were republished. I thought the film a fine adaptation his the book although I disliked the way the ending was handled and subtly altered. I do feel sad that Yates did not gain the profile he so sorely desearved and also craved during his lifetime for he was very much overlooked and had rather a horrid time of it. To anyone interested in reading about the man himself there exists a terrific biography of him by Blake Bailey called 'A Tragic Honesty'.

I think there is great skill in being able to match your mood with an appropriate book to suit it and as demonstrated above I find humour and light reading best for times of ill health and feeling sorry for oneself. Reading Richard Yates if hihgly inappropriate for such times! His books I rate very highly indeed but their tone is depressing and I keep them for periods of contemplation. I would certainly never read them at a specially fun time where I wanted my mood to be light and happy such as a holiday or Christmas. But for times when one is at a crossroads or feels like doing a lot of thinking about life, the world and other people they are very insightful for they do make one think. For me 'Revolutionary Road' always makes me consider the Paris of our imagination, and how most people are simply too scared to break free to ever try for their particular Paris. Also it makes me consider what it is to be female and how few men are really male. 'Easter Parade' is quite different and I find it darker for Yates wrote women terribly well and it follows one woman through her unsatisfying and ultimately empty life. It is a dark portrait of being alone, single and above all female.

Dinner and a movie.

I am meeting Germanicus later for dinner and a movie. Gosh it does rather sound like a date when one puts it like that but I fully intend to meet purely as friends. I feel a bit nervous about it but mostly just calm and I have put a lot of effort into putting together an outfit and using makeup that looks casual but terrific at the same time. It will be lovely to hang out and talk to him again, I still love talking to him.

Started  'Pigeon Pie' by Nancy Mitford but it is rubbish! I was so shocked as I adore all her other books but this one stinks! It is full of characters that appear in her later books in a better written form and this totally spoils it for me. Currently deciding which book to read next and so am continuing with some lovely Blandings books as I do so.

Went to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World yesterday and thought it jolly good. Loved all the in referrences to American tv shows, comics and video games, particularly the Seineld jokes.

Going to have a big glass of wine with my book in preparation for tonight, perhaps I am a bit more nervous than I care to admit!

Pullman and Mitford.

I am currently nursing a broken heart and waiting not so very patiently for the next university term to begin so I have turned to blogging with some vague idea it will make the time pass faster. Reading books is my now my one great love. My other used to be my boyfriend but sadly that is no longer the case so love can now be devoted solely to the wonderful world of fiction.

Feeling that there is nothing quite so good for cheering one up as new books I spent a wonderful hour in Blackwells last week. My purchases were the new Philip Pullman ‘The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ’ and Emile Zola’s ‘Therese Raquin’. I have always adored Pullman right back to my childhood days when I read the entire ‘Ruby in the Smoke’ series and ‘His Dark Materials’ I consider to be a modern masterpiece. Though I must admit to being a lot less keen on the third book in the trilogy for reasons I have never quite decided upon but suspect it has something to do with Lyra not being the total focus as the first book where she is the main character I find most compelling. I also disliked the way in which she allowed Will to take over so easily and felt it was a subtle implication that while a strong woman is good up to a point as soon as a strong man appears she gives up her power unto him, rather like the old fashioned view of marriage. Zola I only very recently discovered and this is my first book by him. By all accounts it should be very good and it is jolly exciting to go to the classics section in a bookshop and actually find there books I have not either read or dismissed! I reckon I have read or dismissed about 70-80% of all books in any good bookshop’s classic section (the emphasis being on read I might add, perhaps I have now read about 60% of them). While commendable this is not entirely down to my devouring good literature but also to the bookshops in question filling at least one shelf with different versions of Jane Austen’s books and another with the complete works of Charles Dickens who though terrific is not a terribly enjoying author to read.

Just finished ‘Highland Fling’ by Nancy Mitford who is a huge favourite of mine. I have had it on pre-order for Amazon for months as though it was originally published in 1931 it fell out of print and copies were impossible to get hold of until this new re-run. Earlier in the year they also republished ‘Wigs on the Green’ which was smashing and roaringly funny. ‘Highland Fling’ was rather fun but although very much Nancy it lacked the spirit of even her next book ‘Christmas Pudding’ which was only published a year later. The fling was her very first book and it is worth reading but mostly for Mitford fans like myself and I fear it might put others off reading more of her work were they to start with this one. I did adore its highland setting as I myself an Scottish, and the marriage of Walter and Sally (which also pops up in ‘Christmas Pudding’) was beautifully painted, but I did feel the love story of Jane and Albert didn’t ring true. I have now read all of Nancy’s fiction bar ‘Pigeon Pie’ which seems to be the only one failing to get republished but I have ordered over Amazon Marketplace and am very much looking forward to it. Her best books without a doubt are ‘Love in a Cold Climate’ and ‘In Pursuit of Love’ which I have reread more times than I would care to admit and like my Adrian Mole books and ‘Diary of a Provincial Lady’ are my constant standby choices.