Sunday, 31 October 2010

The fictionalised champagne reformation.

One of my specialist subjects in history is the reformation and so I was thrilled when I found a second hand copy of a novel called 'Q' in the Oxfam bookshop yesterday. It is set during the reformation and is full of the church schism that was the ultimate result of the 95 Thesis of Martin Luther. It looks jolly exciting and I  can't wait to delve in. I have read very little historical fiction though 'The Name of the Rose' is waiting in my bookshelf. Indeed the only historical fiction I can remember reading is one of Philippa Gregory's books about the Tudors, but they are so light and frilly and jazzed up by sex that I don't think they really count, though I was very surprised recently to hear her on the radio and find her very intelligent and incredibly highly educated. Wonderful Oxfam bookshop, I also found the novel 'Seeing' by Jose Saramago which won the Nobel prize for literature. It is about a world in which only an increasingly small percentage of the population turn out to vote at the polling stations... bit close to home after the last election here.

Went out to the boring Tory boy's birthday drinks last night (lovely art deco bar he chose as well). He was very interested to chat and after several drinks I got carried away by the attention and rashly agreed to see him at least twice more. Oh the horror of remembering it now! He was a honey and did buy me lots of glasses of champagne so the night was rather amusing, though nothing going with his friends who were a nice bunch but not wildly exciting. One of the things he has suggested we do together is attend a ceilidh this weekend... I do love a good ceilidh so I expect I will accompany him... especially if I think he will supply more champagne!

Thursday, 28 October 2010

In Pursuit of Love.

Like Lydia of "In Pursuit of Love' I feel I have entered the cold years at home during which all I can do is play endless games of cards and greedily watch the minutes tick by on the clock. But I need to realise that that is far from being the case. I am perfectly able to find a wonderful man, I just need to look.

Still having a very yummy and fat making time following my Bridget Jones diet and as I have essay deadlines it shows no signs of stopping yet, though I really should try going back to the gym...

The boring Tory chap I went on that one date but not a date with is having his birthday party on Saturday night and I have decided that I absolutely must attend. I predict lots of men to meet! Plus they are jolly likely to be nice conservatives which is even better. While it would not bother me in the least to date a non-tory, it does at least show you from first meeting that you might have things in common and I find it a useful starting point. The now much hated ex was one when we first met (he later defected which just shows how spineless he is).

Had a very long chat with my friend about her situation with her married man last night. Although I don't think she can possible know she wants to be in a relationship with him based on only a few hours one day a week and a few snatched nights together she is sure she is in love with him. It makes it impossible for me to judge her (on that issue, I might add I do not think it right to continue with her boyfriend while she is in love with someone else) and just makes me feel sad that she is so sure and yet can't have him. The married chap is very good looking, much older and seems intelligent and nice enough, but he is cheating on his wife and has no intention of leaving her. He tells my friend often that he loves her but can't leave his wife, but refuses to break all connection with my friend. I think he is treating her very badly and that she is allowing him to do so based on her belief that she loves him.

I feel shameful about the following confession but it is the truth: I am jealous of her situation even though it involves pain because it also involves love and because she has the love of not one man but two. She has both devoted boyfriend and her affair. She is cheating on her loving boyfriend (technically he has not told her he loves her but it is very obvious) but admits to feeling no guilt over it. Oh it is petty of me and I am aware that I am also jealous of her having two men and me none, but I still think she is behaving badly to the boyfriend and just on a moral base level I don't like it and don't belief (although who can ever say for certain) that I would ever do that to someone. It is bad enough to have an affair with a married man but to do so while also cheating on your boyfriend is just being greedy!

Monday, 25 October 2010

The Bridget Jones guide to life.

After the big emotional event last week I cried until my body was physically incapable of expressing another drop of liquid. I then picked myself up, shook myself down and told myself that I hated him and he wasn't worth it. My friends and family have been just wonderful: very supportive and kind but in a no nonsense non-indulgent way. I had a long talk with my mother the morning after, then went to my one lecture of the day where my lovely lecture buddy could see I was upset and so gave me a great big hug, followed by lunch with my affair-with-married-man friend then I got take-out with my flatmate who canceled plans with her boyfriend in order to spend time with me. I cried in front of all of them all and by the next day felt ready to stop crying in public.

Since the event I have stopped going to the gym (I was doing wonderfully and was a committed gym buddy, going almost every day up until that point) and am comfort eating to a delicious degree. Good old Bridget Jones would have heartily approved! I am keeping very busy indeed and eating exactly what, and as much of it, as I feel like. Oh gosh it is so much fun to eat kettle crisps every day and have too much yummy cheese with every meal! Not totally going down the alcohol root as I am in the middle of essay season and can't write when drunk or badly hungover, but I am indulging in yummy glasses of wine with meals and the odd bottle of organic cider. Bridget Jones knew what she was on about, it makes one feel so much happier for one just focuses on the food side to life which never disappoints if one eats whatever one wants!

I know it will have to end soon and I will no doubt be back at the gym pounding away before long but in the meantime I am completely letting rip and all sense of proportion or portion size has gone out of the window and I am loving it.

I do hate him now. He never deserved me and had a lot of faults. I am better off without him and will soon be able to say that and really truly mean it.

Life is good, happy and very busy, and I am vaguely on the look out for a lovely new man.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

It is over and my heart is broken.

After almost 4 months (4 months this coming Monday) of missing Germanicus desperately and getting upset about him often yesterday afternoon I thought about it long and hard and came to the decision that I didn't need to wait for him to come to me prepared to make the changes necessary for us to get back together and to tell me he loves me but that I was so miserable without him and so tired of waiting for him to come to me that it no longer mattered and I wanted to be with him so much that I should just go to him.

I was sure he wanted us to be back together as well. For the last month or so he has been very affectionate every time we have met up. Lots of cuddling, trying to hold my hand, sitting through films with his arm round me and making comments about things we would do together in the next few months. I was very aware that I had hurt him badly when I split up with him and believed that to be the reason why he had not said anything about getting back together, because he didn't think that was what I wanted.

I sent him an email in the early evening saying I needed to see him urgently and we met up after his lecture. I wanted to go back to my flat immediately and talk but he was hungry so we went to a nearby pub where he had chilli and I got nervous. It felt so good sitting next to him and chatting and feeling like we were back together already. It was all I could do to stop myself kissing him right there and then but I thought that it would be better to have the getting back together talk first, and after all there seemed to be no reason to hurry.

After leaving the pub (where I intentionally limited myself to one glass of wine, I didn't want him to think I was spurred on to make a decision because I was tipsy) I couldn't wait any longer but as he tried to put his arm round me I stopped us in the middle of the street and asked him what he was doing and then why he was doing it. He said because he liked me. I coyly asked him what he meant by that and he smiled and looked embarrassed but wouldn't answer even after prompting. The obvious assumption was that he still adored me and so I laughed and said we should walk back to my flat but that when we got there I wanted him to answer the question.

We got back and I asked him again, he gave the same answer but added that I was his special friend. He refused to be drawn further than that so I just went for it and asked him what he now felt about me. After ages and lots of manly embarrassment at having to talk about his feelings he said liked me as a friend. I was sorry that he couldn't tell me the truth which based on his behaviour was clearly that he still had feelings for me and that he would like for us to get back together.

I told him how I felt... and he said he didn't want to get back together.

He told me that he loves me but that he feels I betrayed him by splitting up with him and so that is that.

I don't think he ever did really love me, and he certainly doesn't now. I did not betray him, if anything he betrayed me by the whole living together debacle but while I can understand how he might feel betrayed and so on he totally lacks empathy and doesn't seem able to comprehend how I felt and why i split up with him. He seems to think I did it for no reason and so he now can't trust me. Where as I did it due to his pulling out of living together and because of the cruel and cowardly way in which he did it.

Since we split up I have secretly believed we would get back together and have really wanted us to. I now have to accept that we never will. I will not see him again and have deleted him on facebook. He has been such a huge part of my life for over 3 years and I am devastated. I don't really know what to do.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Ode to Becky Sharp.

I want to become Becky Sharp. She is completely independent, strong, capable, knows what she wants and goes for it, brave, beautiful, cunning and never falls in love or is a slave to love in any way. 'Vanity Fair' by William Makepeace Thackeray has been my favourite book of all time since I read it at the tender age of 13. I have ever since admired and adored its anti-heroine Miss Sharp who used her wits and her cunning to get what she wanted. Admittedly she is ruthless, cold and even heartless upon occasion but rarely without cause. She rose from nothing and created several lives for herself as she rose upwards in society. I always thought Thackeray might have allowed her to rise again after her tremendous fall from grace at the end but instead he gave the mld mannered and totally characterless milksop Amelia the more rounded ending. Although even there he was not above sticking the thorn in as he described her final family setup.

I met Germanicus for lunch a few hours ago and it was monstrous. I feel more confused than ever. I don't know what I want but I suspect it is him and that suspicion does not please me. I need to be more like Becky and simply pursue a nice chap who will take me out for lots of dinners rather than allow myself to be hung up over my ex. Onwards brave girl and find yourself another beau! I am even considering going on another date with that boring boy... I am attending a flat-warming party tonight so I think I will wait and see if I meet someone else before getting in touch with that chap again!

Meanwhile one of my close friends is clearly falling for her ex-lover the married man and my flatmate spends every single evening and night with her boyfriend. She met him a grand total of three weeks ago today and they have literally been inseperable ever since. I haven't met him yet but he sounds very nice though he is clearly a serial relationshipper and after only three weeks is already trying to make their relationship all official and proper girlfriend/boyfriendy. This wouldn't matter much with most girls but my flatmate has never had a proper relationship before (a good number of dates and a whole bunch of one night stands) and seems to be sending him commitment freak signs while he sends in love signs!

Thursday, 14 October 2010

The significance of socks.

Tremendous party last night and got the grand total of 3 hours sleep before having to roll out of bed and into the shower thanks to the joy of morning lectures! Had a wonderful chat about graphic novel film adaptations with a friend of mine. He agreed with me that 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' films sucked but I was surprised that he liked the film version of 'Watchmen'. He claimed to prefer the ending to the film over that of the book and thought the film was a fine portrayal. I have not yet seen the film but loved the book so much that so far I have avoided it.

Sadly I did not avoid Wall Street 2 which I saw last weekend with Germanicus. It was totally my fault as I suggested it (we watched the first one together and I loved Gordon Gekko). It turned out to be very long indeed, had no plot, no likeable or believable characters and was dull beyond all sense or belief! But strangely I loved every minute of it because G's arm was across me with his hand resting on my knee (not holding it but resting on it). He sort of just put his arm across me when we sat down (holding hands in the cinema was always what we did) and I wanted him to keep it there too much to tell him not to. Feeling the lovely weight of his arm and loving being so close to him I almost burst into tears several times but this time I didn't but just let myself enjoy it and being there with him.

We went for thai food after the film (pad thai being one of my favourite dishes) and I stupidly got upset and had to excuse myself and run to the loo. It was all to do with his socks... For his last birthday I bought him very expensive beautiful designer socks which he loved. Every time since I have seen him since we split up I have at some point gently asked what socks he was wearing (lovely colourful ones is the answer) and never has it been one of the three pairs I got him. It has become some sort of symbol now and I got upset when yet again he wasn't wearing the socks I got him. I think I had it built up in my mind that he would realise I wanted him to wear them and do it to please me and that when he did it would show he wanted to please me and was willing to change even such a little thing to make me happy and that that would indicate he would change other little things and that if we gave things another shot then it would be different to our relationship before.

I am meeting G for lunch tomorrow (yummy sushi). His parents are visiting him this weekend and I didn't want to have to wait until next week to see him again. I would really like to have some sort of arrangement whereby we met up every week, I would like very much to know for sure every time we say goodbye that I will be seeing him again soon. A friend of mine was having an affair with a married man and only got to see him once a week. It was always on the same day and she has since told me how reassuring it was to know for sure that while other aspects of their relationship were in doubt (he wouldn't leave his wife, even though he claimed to be in love with my friend) that she knew she would be seeing him on that day every week. Sadly she is still in love with him even though she has a boyfriend and although she is not sleeping with the married man she is currently back to that one day a week meet up.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Sam Vimes and Lady Sybil?

I adore Terry Pratchett's discworld series. In it he has created a whole world and populated it with peoples (one has to say peoples as not only are there humans but also trolls, dwarfs etc) who are both an ironic take on other nationalities and also a loving homage. His characters are both funny and yet are so well formed and characterised that they can also be heart-breakingly real and poignant. I am always iritated by reviews of his books and articles about them where it is assumed that their sole audience is spotty teenage boys, I am an avid fan of the great man and know many other adults who also revere him, just because some hacks fail to appreciate his more subtle and very clever charms they dismiss him out of court.

Such perfect homages and ironic takes are found in Pratchett. He has based some of his characters on historical characters, one of my favourites being Lord Vetinari who is based on Niccolo Machiavelli. Vetinari is tremendous and so wonderfully cold blooded and so similar in my mind to his counterpart that recently when I re-read 'The Prince' I found myself picturing him as the august ruler of Ankh-Morpork. And there is another great homage, for the capital city of the disc is based on the classical Rome and all roads do indeed lead to Ankh-Morpork.

To my mind the best of the discworld series' (there are several different series within the many discworld books, each different series focusing on a particular set of characters) is without a doubt the city watch books. There is nothing to beat the glorious Sam Vimes and if he were not so perfectly matched to Lady Sybil I would feel quite jealous!

I was thinking of Sam Vimes earlier for some odd reason and it got me thinking about love. He had a very brusque sort of courtship and yet one never doubted the great love behind it and then behind his marriage. I have always sought the hearts and roses type of courtship but while I adore the fuss with Germanicus I still felt the solidity of his feelings and of our relationship. I miss him very badly indeed and it is starting to overwhelm me. I think of him every day and often throughout each day. Were he to want to get back together and to promise that certain of the things that split us up would change then I would throw myself into his arms and stay there. But as it is we continue to meet up (sadly I am still the one to always suggest we meet up, he seems wonderfully happy to see me each time but I think my splitting up with him has made him less eager to suggest meetings to me) and I have started to cry when we do.

The last time I said goodbye prematurely as I knew I was going to cry and so goodnighted and then walked off, but he followed me. I cried and didn't say why and after once telling him I was fine he didn't ask again. The time before I went over to his flat to watch a dvd and I cried almost the whole way through but in a silent sort of way and as I have long hair and he was next to me he didn't notice. I cry when I am with him because it is just so nice and reassuring and contented being with him, like it used to be. My life is very happy and full of other things but I still miss the contentment and perhaps the safety of being with G.

Do I want to get back together with him? And at what cost? Would I be prepared to initiate it? To the latter at least I am still saying no. If I were to, in effect, go back to him then our relationship would just slip back into what it used to be and that is certainly not what I want.  I so want him to love me enough to try and get me back, but it didn't happen when I split up with him and it just isn't happening now. I do believe he may still love me but G is very wary about letting people get properly close to him and in his mind I can see I rejected him. I miss him so badly it hurts and I never seem to forget about it.

I used to really believe that G and I would go the distance and remain the loving and happy couple we were until the end of our days. It did seem incredible but while with him I felt so happy and was never the least bit interested in anyone else. We knew each other well and enjoyed so many of the same things. Even now when I have been single over 3 months and met lot of men since I haven't yet kissed anyone else, I have liked a few boys but somehow getting close to them feels weird and makes me panic.

But I don't know if I still love him. I was unhappy due to his lack of commitment and other things and the relationship soured as a result but when I split with him I still felt love. Sometimes I wonder if I have persuaded myself that being apart is for the best and that my heart is trying to tell me otherwise. 

I really thought we could be a united front like Sam and Sybil... Well Sam Vimes would not sit around moping and I am not either! Went to a terrific party last week and have another splendid sounding one tomorrow night. Always possible I might meet a new chap. The boring date guy keeps calling me... I wonder what he wants?! Must make myself available to men and just be happy and confident and not over think things!

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Capturing the moment.

I miss Germanicus very much indeed and it is with great effort that I have not been in touch with him over the last few days. I often look at his facebook page and today while doing so noticed that there are now only 10 photos in which we are both tagged. There used to be many more. Why he has only untagged some of them seems rather odd to me. Of the 10 that remain 6 are of us on our own while in the rest we are in a group of people. I feel really mixed up about it. Part of me wants to untag him in the 10 that remain but I don't think that would achieve anything. He has significantly untagged all the pictures of us together on our last holiday together from over a year ago. Maybe it indicates he is is also hurt and thinking of me? But if so why not untag himself in all our pictures together? It is also possible that he did some of this ages ago and that I have only just realised. He was always keen on untagging himself from some photographs I put up of us together anyway (I might add that he always looked fab in them and never understood why he didn't like some of them).

I finished my re-reading of the last Adrian Mole this morning in bed. I adore his diaries, they always sum up their time period exactly by a clever combination of pop culture references, politics and general public feeling. I do hope there will be another book but Sue Townsend is very ill and so it does seem unlikely, but then I never thought the last one would be published so fingers crossed that in another four years (they are published every four years typically) I will get a new installment.

I plan to move onto another Zola next, the first in his 'Les Rougon-Macquart' series which spans 20 books. I am very excited as if I enjoy it I will have another 19 wonderful books to plough through for my biggest sadness is coming to the end of a literary tale.