Some people just don't take rejection well! Phd Boy got rather unpleasant when I ended things with him. Admittedly I did end it via a facebook message but due to him yet again reacting badly I think that was just as well. He did text me yesterday after the dreadful date and offer some half-hearted apologies but I ignored it as I really didn't know what to say since I had already decided not to see him again. I thought he might take the hint and was planning to wait a couple of days before properly ending things but I got another message from him last night and so this morning I sent him a short message saying I didn't want to see him anymore not because of what happened but because of his reaction to it which I had found both unpleasant and upsetting. I wasn't really expecting a reply but did think he might just message and say he had been expecting it or to offer and give me back a book I had lent him, but instead what I got was a ghastly long message filled with anger and bile.
He clearly feels dreadfully embarrassed about it all which wasn't helped by my unceremoniously chucking him straight afterwards and seems to be trying to redress the balance somewhat. He goes on a lot about our different opinions, but as I mentioned previously they really were not apparent when we spoke as he would always just agree with whatever I said. Poor sod he did try hard to make it sound as though we parted ways because he is very liberal in his views... He also complained that I had made him feel "decidedly stupid in the face of a mountain of classical authors" which I rather like as a turn of phrase. My talking about books really seems to have bothered him and in general I seem to have made him feel a bit dim and uncultured for he also moaned that he hadn't had the opportunity to talk about subjects he is well versed in. But that is plain silly as of course he could have done at any time, he simply didn't. He tried to claim that as we went to some good restaurants and to excellent old films that we both had good taste but that was just a lie: I chose everything that we did and all the places we ate, his contribution to the whole things was pretty lack-lustre and unconfident.
He was unintentionally very amusing when describing what happened the other night as he criticised me for kicking him out of bed in the end and only allowing him to kiss my cheek when he said goodnight. By the end of the message he seems to have convinced himself that we split up because we are rather different which really is quite funny considering how very keen he was and how well he seemed to think it was all going until the other night. At least he does finish by saying he thought me very sweet and jolly attractive and for again apologising for his behaviour so that was nice but considering the tone of the whole thing I would much rather he hadn't bothered to send it at all, some of it was borderline insulting as he tried to claw back some dignity and he did insult the wonderful classics.
It just goes to show that if you get a red warning flash in a relationship then it is best just to bail out and not wait for another one to happen. The bad date was warning one and just in case I needed another then that message is certainly a second. Goodbye Phd Boy and I have already set up at least one new date from my online questing!
Sunday 31 July 2011
Friday 29 July 2011
Oh Cassandra why didn't I listen?
I really should have paid more attention when a friend of mine recently commented on the male lack of performance after alcohol... in a way she was quite the Cassandra about it all.
Last night we had what seemed to be a very promising time: full of yummy thai take-away, making out on the couch watching films and lots of good wine. I was a little nervous as I have been single for over a year but had decided wine was the best way to go as far as lowering my inhibitions and helping things to flow along. As the evening progressed I felt terrific and very positive about sleeping with Phd Boy and so when we ended up in bed I was happy and expecting a lot of fun. However, when the crucial moment arrived he had to shame-facedly tell me that it was a no go as a result of his wine consumption.
I was very disappointed but tried not to let it show and just told him it didn't matter etc etc. I didn't see why we shouldn't stay in bed and hope that in short he might feel more like it. Unfortunately this was not to be the case, try as I might, and he ended up rather cross with himself and in general. I was not impressed and ended up asking him as nicely as I could not to spend the night, I really saw no point in him staying as things did not look as though they change and I am not keen on morning sex with new boyfriends.
I can't give this away! I am attractive, slim, pretty, work out and take care over my appearance generally but I don't get asked out, then when I do eventually start to date someone after over a year being single he can't perform! I also have been left with not so much love bites as a neck so purple and red it looks as though I have been attacked... and will need to leave for work shortly having coated it in as much concealer as I can stand.
I do not want to see him again. Had he reacted better last night I would still have been disappointed but would have been more than happy to see him again as these things do sometimes happen. But not only did he get jolly cross at the situation and at one point actually jump out of bed in a temper and storm off saying he was leaving but he did nothing to make it not a totally wasted trip to bed for me... which frankly is just bad manners, particularly in these more enlightened times!
On the positive side I suppose I can now return to the murky waters of internet dating once again... and still have 5 months of my match.com subscription left and won't ever have to persuade Phd Boy to have his back waxes. Oh god... what new hell will I discover next?
Last night we had what seemed to be a very promising time: full of yummy thai take-away, making out on the couch watching films and lots of good wine. I was a little nervous as I have been single for over a year but had decided wine was the best way to go as far as lowering my inhibitions and helping things to flow along. As the evening progressed I felt terrific and very positive about sleeping with Phd Boy and so when we ended up in bed I was happy and expecting a lot of fun. However, when the crucial moment arrived he had to shame-facedly tell me that it was a no go as a result of his wine consumption.
I was very disappointed but tried not to let it show and just told him it didn't matter etc etc. I didn't see why we shouldn't stay in bed and hope that in short he might feel more like it. Unfortunately this was not to be the case, try as I might, and he ended up rather cross with himself and in general. I was not impressed and ended up asking him as nicely as I could not to spend the night, I really saw no point in him staying as things did not look as though they change and I am not keen on morning sex with new boyfriends.
I can't give this away! I am attractive, slim, pretty, work out and take care over my appearance generally but I don't get asked out, then when I do eventually start to date someone after over a year being single he can't perform! I also have been left with not so much love bites as a neck so purple and red it looks as though I have been attacked... and will need to leave for work shortly having coated it in as much concealer as I can stand.
I do not want to see him again. Had he reacted better last night I would still have been disappointed but would have been more than happy to see him again as these things do sometimes happen. But not only did he get jolly cross at the situation and at one point actually jump out of bed in a temper and storm off saying he was leaving but he did nothing to make it not a totally wasted trip to bed for me... which frankly is just bad manners, particularly in these more enlightened times!
On the positive side I suppose I can now return to the murky waters of internet dating once again... and still have 5 months of my match.com subscription left and won't ever have to persuade Phd Boy to have his back waxes. Oh god... what new hell will I discover next?
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Set fair.
Well I have been dating Phd Boy for 3 weeks now and have been on 6 or so dates in that time and so far all is going rather well. He is a very nice boy and we really do have a good time together. He is intelligent and interested in things, has a good social life and is definitely attractive. Clearly likes me a lot and is eager to see me and is interested in going to museums as well as going out to bars. Then comes the big but...
Why on earth is there a but one might ask, when he sounds utterly lovely?
But there sadly is one. I am not entirely sure what it is but it certainly has something to do with the following: my over-thinking everything, our not yet having slept together, his being so keen on me that I can get him to agree with me on pretty much every subject, his exceptionally hairy back, my constantly comparing him in my head to my ex Germanicus and the fact he doesn't read fiction.
To be fair most of these are fixable by me: I must just relax and stop over-thinking the whole thing, we will soon sleep together I am sure so I should stop obsessing as to when that will happen and comparing him to my ex is not entirely a bad thing but I should try and stop doing it so often.
Of the other three: I would dearly love him to get his back waxed... but I do realise I really can't ask him to do that yet, I will just hope that I can tempt him with the idea in the not too distant future. It really is terribly hairy though and I must admit I do find it very off putting... But he offered (and was immediately accepted I might add) to shave his beard off after only two dates when I mentioned something about preferring the clean shaven look so he might well be prepared to do this at some point. His ready agreement and willingness to fit in with whatever I want is actually in many ways a good thing, though long-term I see it could be jolly annoying. But right now it means that we see the films I want to watch, go to the places I like and generally do lots of me type things. In telling my mother about some of our dates she noticed this immediately and accused me of forcing my tastes on him, but truly I suggest and he always just agrees. It also amuses me to bring up particular opinions to test whether he will very quickly change his own and agree with me though which I must be careful about. I recently championed fox-hunting just to gauge his reaction and although he started off not agreeing with me he very soon changed sides! I would actually love it if he could come up with opinions, likes and places to go that are different from mine, however, as I believe that one of the lovely things about new relationships or even friendships is being exposed to new experiences. Currently it is only he who is having his horizons expanded.
As for the last big but: his failure to read fiction. Well he started to read fiction what sounded like as soon as our first date had finished! I had of course mentioned authors and books and he seemed to go straight to Waterstones. I must admit to being rather pleased about this, and at the very least I have encouraged someone to read more.
Since our first date I have actually given up the world of internet dating... I really do like him and don't like to date more than one person at the same time. I must admit I have also lied to absolutely everyone about how I met Phd Boy, I tell everyone we met in a coffee shop... Also got him to agree to stick to the party line over this! Very silly to mind but I while I am prepared to internet date I greatly prefer for people not to know.
So he is a lovely boy who I like to spend time with and who really doesn't have any actual flaws... perhaps it is simply that I don't feel a spark? Whatever the flaws of the ex, and he had many indeed, I was nuts about him right from the beginning. But maybe sparks can develop as people spend time together? I really do like him and if I can just stop myself from thinking the whole thing to death I think we could have a very nice time together indeed.
Why on earth is there a but one might ask, when he sounds utterly lovely?
But there sadly is one. I am not entirely sure what it is but it certainly has something to do with the following: my over-thinking everything, our not yet having slept together, his being so keen on me that I can get him to agree with me on pretty much every subject, his exceptionally hairy back, my constantly comparing him in my head to my ex Germanicus and the fact he doesn't read fiction.
To be fair most of these are fixable by me: I must just relax and stop over-thinking the whole thing, we will soon sleep together I am sure so I should stop obsessing as to when that will happen and comparing him to my ex is not entirely a bad thing but I should try and stop doing it so often.
Of the other three: I would dearly love him to get his back waxed... but I do realise I really can't ask him to do that yet, I will just hope that I can tempt him with the idea in the not too distant future. It really is terribly hairy though and I must admit I do find it very off putting... But he offered (and was immediately accepted I might add) to shave his beard off after only two dates when I mentioned something about preferring the clean shaven look so he might well be prepared to do this at some point. His ready agreement and willingness to fit in with whatever I want is actually in many ways a good thing, though long-term I see it could be jolly annoying. But right now it means that we see the films I want to watch, go to the places I like and generally do lots of me type things. In telling my mother about some of our dates she noticed this immediately and accused me of forcing my tastes on him, but truly I suggest and he always just agrees. It also amuses me to bring up particular opinions to test whether he will very quickly change his own and agree with me though which I must be careful about. I recently championed fox-hunting just to gauge his reaction and although he started off not agreeing with me he very soon changed sides! I would actually love it if he could come up with opinions, likes and places to go that are different from mine, however, as I believe that one of the lovely things about new relationships or even friendships is being exposed to new experiences. Currently it is only he who is having his horizons expanded.
As for the last big but: his failure to read fiction. Well he started to read fiction what sounded like as soon as our first date had finished! I had of course mentioned authors and books and he seemed to go straight to Waterstones. I must admit to being rather pleased about this, and at the very least I have encouraged someone to read more.
Since our first date I have actually given up the world of internet dating... I really do like him and don't like to date more than one person at the same time. I must admit I have also lied to absolutely everyone about how I met Phd Boy, I tell everyone we met in a coffee shop... Also got him to agree to stick to the party line over this! Very silly to mind but I while I am prepared to internet date I greatly prefer for people not to know.
So he is a lovely boy who I like to spend time with and who really doesn't have any actual flaws... perhaps it is simply that I don't feel a spark? Whatever the flaws of the ex, and he had many indeed, I was nuts about him right from the beginning. But maybe sparks can develop as people spend time together? I really do like him and if I can just stop myself from thinking the whole thing to death I think we could have a very nice time together indeed.
Thursday 7 July 2011
Date No.1.
The date with Phd boy last night went incredibly well! He was jolly handsome, much better looking than his pictures online, and rather nicely dressed. It amy sound silly to be so pleased that he dressed well but my ex was a dreadful dresser who was incapable of dressing for different situations but would wear the same brightly coloured chinos for a casual lunch and also for a formal opera or party... where as lovely phd boy looked smashing and just right for the occasion in his preppy but casual jeans and pale blue shirt. He really is good looking, yummy tanned skin with dark short hair and a lean but strong looking body.
We met for drinks and although I had arranged to meet my flatmate for dinner afterwards I ended up calling her from the loo and buying an extra hour to spend with him. We had lots to talk about, there were no horrid awkward pauses and he is jolly interesting. He can be a little long winded in some of his explanations but it is entirely possible that he was nervous and that caused this.
I was a little nervous before seeing him but he was waiting outside the wine bar for me which I thought very nice indeed, and was instantly recognisable from his photos. I had such a good time that I have been talking about him to various friends since! My flatmate of course heard all about him last night then my friends at work this afternoon. While I was having lunch with a friend we were discussing whither or not I should text him or if I should wait for him to do so, I was starting to wonder and wait for him to be in touch. Mostly because I am going away for a a few days on Saturday and rather wanted to see him tomorrow night before leaving.
I had no sooner finished lunch when he got in touch. Such a sweet message and we are now meeting up tomorrow night for date 2! Thrilled! Is it possible to meet the right boy on attempt number one?
We met for drinks and although I had arranged to meet my flatmate for dinner afterwards I ended up calling her from the loo and buying an extra hour to spend with him. We had lots to talk about, there were no horrid awkward pauses and he is jolly interesting. He can be a little long winded in some of his explanations but it is entirely possible that he was nervous and that caused this.
I was a little nervous before seeing him but he was waiting outside the wine bar for me which I thought very nice indeed, and was instantly recognisable from his photos. I had such a good time that I have been talking about him to various friends since! My flatmate of course heard all about him last night then my friends at work this afternoon. While I was having lunch with a friend we were discussing whither or not I should text him or if I should wait for him to do so, I was starting to wonder and wait for him to be in touch. Mostly because I am going away for a a few days on Saturday and rather wanted to see him tomorrow night before leaving.
I had no sooner finished lunch when he got in touch. Such a sweet message and we are now meeting up tomorrow night for date 2! Thrilled! Is it possible to meet the right boy on attempt number one?
Wednesday 6 July 2011
The rocky road to love.
I have now been officially single for one whole year. After celebrating with lots of yummy faux champagne (I am but a poor student and unable to afford the good stuff) I thought back over the last year. I realised that I have successfully become a singleton like Bridget Jones and am now very content to spend time by myself reading books and eating chocolate with a trusty glass of red wine by by side, I am even perfectly happy to go to the theatre and on trips by myself when no friends are available. This is all excellent stuff but I would now definitely like to start dating again.
In the last year I have only been on a handful of dates, something had to change and I realised that I could make resolution after resolution about being ready to date again and about seeking dates, but really that nothing whatsoever was happening. In the end I decided to dip my toe into the murky waters of internet dating.
Although feeling much too young and normal to consider such an alarming idea and being horrified about the thought of having to put a picture of myself on my profile last weekend I just went for it. So far in a mere matter of days I have had more interest than in the whole of the past year and tonight I have my first date through the medium of internet dating. Strangely enough I am not the least bit nervous... perhaps because I am so aware that if it doesn't go well then there seem to be lots of other men on the website all eager to take me out for drinks and so really I can just relax and be myself. It also probably helps that he doesn't know my real name, it just makes me feel more in control of the situation.
I am meeting him for drinks this evening and have organised to meet my flatmate a couple of hours later for dinner so that if it is dreadful I can leave easily and have someone to talk it over with (though needless to say I have not admitted to her or anyone else how I met the man in the first place) and if it goes well I can always see him again.
He sounds rather nice: he is doing a phd and seems to appreciate literature. Sounds perfectly nice in his messages and looks pretty good in his photographs.
The online dating thing is actually rather good fun and it takes up a surprising amount of one's time. You need to send a great many messages back and forth to lots of men until you work out which ones you favour, some start off well on their profile but then descend into dullness or you find out they didn't go to university (my major turn off).
So date number one... I do wonder what it will be like...
In the last year I have only been on a handful of dates, something had to change and I realised that I could make resolution after resolution about being ready to date again and about seeking dates, but really that nothing whatsoever was happening. In the end I decided to dip my toe into the murky waters of internet dating.
Although feeling much too young and normal to consider such an alarming idea and being horrified about the thought of having to put a picture of myself on my profile last weekend I just went for it. So far in a mere matter of days I have had more interest than in the whole of the past year and tonight I have my first date through the medium of internet dating. Strangely enough I am not the least bit nervous... perhaps because I am so aware that if it doesn't go well then there seem to be lots of other men on the website all eager to take me out for drinks and so really I can just relax and be myself. It also probably helps that he doesn't know my real name, it just makes me feel more in control of the situation.
I am meeting him for drinks this evening and have organised to meet my flatmate a couple of hours later for dinner so that if it is dreadful I can leave easily and have someone to talk it over with (though needless to say I have not admitted to her or anyone else how I met the man in the first place) and if it goes well I can always see him again.
He sounds rather nice: he is doing a phd and seems to appreciate literature. Sounds perfectly nice in his messages and looks pretty good in his photographs.
The online dating thing is actually rather good fun and it takes up a surprising amount of one's time. You need to send a great many messages back and forth to lots of men until you work out which ones you favour, some start off well on their profile but then descend into dullness or you find out they didn't go to university (my major turn off).
So date number one... I do wonder what it will be like...
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