New beginnings.

2012 has got off to a rather lovely start books wise. Unable to commit to just one blissful new book on my love of my life kindle I have instead plumped for lots. I have made inroads into them all but am nowhere finishing any of them, striving as I am to read so many at once!

'American Gods' by Neil Gaimen is shaping up very nicely and I am enjoying having him take a more serious and less shallow interaction with his topic matter. For once it is also a lot less of a fantasy novel for while it utterly is so, it is still set loosely within our world, rather than entering another world as 'Neverwhere' and 'Stardust' do. I already like it a great deal more than his other books.

'Death at Pemberley' by 'P.D. James is also most interesting. She is a prolific crime novelist and up until now I had never read her work, preferring my crime to be of the middle-class lacking in blood variety that dear old Agatha Christie was so perfect at. In this book she has taken 'Pride and Prejudice' (definitely in my top ten all time favourite books) and sets her novel 6 or so years after the marriage of Darcy and Elizabeth. The premise still being the solving of a crime, however, for one night Lydia comes screaming into Pemberley claiming Wickham has been murdered. The book so far is just readable but frankly after the first few pages which were a delight, conjuring up as they did the magic of Austen, the style in which James is writing becomes very irritating. She is clearly trying to write in the style of Austen but it lacks the humour and the ease and feels very stilted and heavy-handed. This is a shame as the actual plot is rather good.

'The American Senator' by Anthony Trollope is absolutely marvellous. I have read a great deal of his work but up until now (barring perhaps the excellent 'Lady Anna') I haven't felt he came anywhere near his magnum opus 'The Way We Live Now'. But 'The American Senator' is proving to be jolly good and almost in the same sort of way. There is an excellently scheming heroine who reminds one a good deal of Rebecca Sharp in 'Vanity Fair', a real heroine who as always is a bit of a milk sop, engagements, love interests, battles over ethics, an American who challenges the way of life of the English upper classes... it is a joy to read and so delightfully long that it can accompany me for a good long time.

'Westwood' by Stella Gibbons which is okay... I loved 'Cold Comfort Farm' and adore 'Nightingale Wood' but so far this is not living up to expectations. I was half expecting this for when an author is so universally known only for one book it takes a bit of a leap to bother with the others, but 'Nightingale Wood' I loved so much I thought perhaps her other work had been unfairly looked over. I will stick it out but the pleasure in her words, her usual witty turns of phrase do seem to be lacking.

Also 'Service with a Smile' by the ever charming P.G. Wodehouse. It is his usual best and is a delightful Blandings book. I do love Wodehouse, he really takes a lot of beating and I have never read anything remotely like him in style or content.

The utter joy of the kindle is that one can also download samples of books so for my perusal I have 'A Game of Thrones' by George R.R. Martin and 'Rangarok: The End of the Gods' by A.S. Byatt.

Mr Alf to the life.

I am now safely installed in my friend's house in the South of England having spent a couple of days in the company of Lancelot... And sadly yet inevitably I utterly adore him and can think of nothing else. He is even more arrogant and even more of a tosser than I remembered but I find it dreadfully appealing. He  is just the sort of man I have always found irrisistable, the hard ruthless and utterly appalling man who makes a great success of his life and becomes incredibly powerful through their own skill, intensive self-promotion and through bloody fighting and under-hand manoveres. The sort of bastard that Rupert Murdoch or Augustus Melmott in Anthony Trollope's 'The Way We Live Now' are; smooth, successful, harsh and devastating but so tremendously successful that I respect their ambition and drive as they conquer  all before them. Of course poor old Melmott didn't succeed in the end so in that book Mr Alf might be a better comparison, he was determined, very clever and fought hard and beat all before him. I love that sort of man... I used to fantasise about marrying someone like that who would be so hard and ruthless to the world yet would be able to show their soft side to me alone... Lancelot, from what I could remember about him (we had only met once before several years ago after all) and from facebook, I knew to be physically appealing to me as well: well built and fair haired (though he isn't as tall as I tend to like). But in person I found him devastatingly attractive. I have rarely felt so physically attracted to someone... gosh he was hard to resist!

But in the end I did resist and I declined to sleep with him.

He has slept with a lot of girls and I soon realised that if we had sex I would soon be less interesting to him and I am determined that should not be case. If nothing else it is simply wonderful to have someone to go and stay with when I want to visit London for an exhibition or the theatre (I used to go down rather a lot with Germanicus but that option has obviously gone).

I was horribly nervous for the last hour or so on the train before meeting but was much comforted by frequently looking into my hand mirror to see that all my work with the make-up brushes had paid off (really it takes a hell of a long time to look as natural as I do) and I was very pleased with my pretty summer dress and beautifully painted nails, not to mention the carefully chosen pieces of jewellery which complimented and finished the whole look splendidly. Within one minute of meeting again I knew I liked him very much indeed and within ten I knew I was going to have to be very careful indeed if my heart was not going to become involved.

He is charming and so sharp, teases one greatly and always plays to win. He goes to great effort to seem detached himself and rather than just being nice and complimentary and easy to muddle along with like most men he makes things harder and is casually insulting and hard work to keep up with. However, I can give as good as I get and I really did on this occasion. He batted hard balls to me: all sorts of different and challenging subjects, the whole how good is your background thing, exes and what sort of attributes they have and how that makes you look better for having gone out with them, education, current affairs, insults and sticking up for yourself and your views... but I fought hard and am very proud to say in the end there was a distinct (well of course he would argue he won, he just being that sort of chap) draw. I love to be challenged and he certainly does, but I find that there are so few people out there who do present a proper challenge, and on so many levels as well that I had a terrific time battling it out with him.

We did drinks and dinner and went back to his abode to watch Game of Thrones (only the first episode which was intriguing and I expect will warm up as the series goes on so will likely stick with it). We then almost had sex but by this point I had heard about various girls (I am sure this was intentional to keep me on my toes, and I managed to slip in lots of bits about past dates of mine) and knew that to retain his interest long enough before he had the chance to get to know me properly I needed to not sleep with him so soon. Sweetly he actually admitted this himself and we left it that he liked me a lot and wanted to see me again, and that we would hold off. But gosh it was hard not to, he really is jolly devastating!

He had a four year relationship which ended in some ghastly way too young engagement and they split two months after that. That was about a year ago and he has just been doing lots of sleeping around since but apparently recently decided to try and wait three dates before doing so as it was about time he started to date properly. The only bad thing is that Lancelot is clearly still hung up over his ex... I do dislike that as of course one then feels there might be no room in his heart for a new proper relationship and sadly I have been totally thrown by the wonderful combination of looks, attitude, brains and ambition that he presents so that I would love nothing more than to be his girlfriend. Of course being the type of man he is I tried very hard not to hint at this at all but I am a little afraid I let him see I liked him.

Alas he lives so far away and unless he takes me up on my suggestion that I break my journey back home by staying over this Thursday night then I won't see him again for months. All for the best I expect as uni is starting again very soon and I do want to dedicate myself to my academic pursuits during term time. But he does want to see me again in general (really he seemed to like me rather a lot in the end... perhaps he doesn't meet many girls who present as much of a challenge as he himself presents?) so if nothing else I have found a charming friend in London who can put me up when I want to visit the glorious capital.

The Blue Peter Chap has been in touch since our second date and wants to see me again. We had a very nice meal together before I hit London, but although I like him he is not a patch on Lancelot and is clearly much shyer with girls. I love Lancelot's take chargeness, he just goes for it and doesn't do all the dreadful waiting around for ages before even kissing a girl or waiting for ages after that before sleeping with her. Blue Peter didn't even kiss me goodnight... but did sweetly compliment me afterwards about how lovely I looked and he is interesting to converse with so another date when I get back sounds like a plan.

In fact interestingly on the subject of kissing Lancelot went straight from kissing into trying to sleep with me, there was no long making out period by any stretch of the imagination, and in fact kissing to him just seemed like the starting move and pleasant accompaniment rather than any sort of stage in its own right which is how most men seem to treat it. Along with other telling little gestures this showed that although he has been used to sleeping with lots of girls he is not used to other types of intimacy which tend to belong in relationships.

Oh darling arrogant tosser I do so like you, I even get that butterflies in the tummy feeling when I think of you!

Clean living.

Had a totally lovely time with my new online chap. Both in looks and actions he reminds me very strongly of a children's television presenter on Blue Peter from a few years ago, Matt Baker. He is very tall and thin, has very dark short hair and is good looking in a clean cut sort of a way. He is a terribly nice chap, hard working and sensible and probably rather straight-laced. I do rather wonder if he wouldn't become just a tad boring with all his clean living and what I suspect to be a very strict moral code... but it would make a jolly enjoyable change I must admit. I like him very much indeed and am really hoping to see him again soon. We strolled in the sun to a cocktail bar after meeting then had a super chat over drinks before I headed off to work. Unfortunately because we were late in meeting up we didn't have over long to chat, but it was awfully pleasant and we left it that we might do dinner later this week. Oh I do hope so, my Blue Peter Chap is so frightfully decent and would I think treat me very well indeed!

Mr Blonde surprisingly got back in touch. I really didn't think I would ever hear from him again but he messaged to ask about my weekend and I replied... I don't see the point in random messaging like that, there was no hint whatsoever about asking me out again, he just did vague 'How is your weekending'. If he had any guts he would either stop messaging me or ask me out again properly like a real man.

However, it is all rather pointless as I have found my one true love: my Kindle! It is totally smashing and I am having such a fantastic time filling it up with books. Off to bed for an early night to read more of 'The American Senator'.

The Lady of Shalott?

I really must start getting used to dealing with my re-date nerves as with my luck I have years and years of first dates ahead of me over the years as I search valiantly for 'the one'. Today I have my first date with a chap found online. He is slightly younger than me which I am not keen on, but at least has finished uni and does something financial. Strangely almost all the men searching for love online seem to work with computers or in finance... perhaps there is a dearth of women in those fields? Anyway he seems jolly nice, looks cute in his pictures and reads books so we shall see how it goes. Meeting in a rather cool little cafe which also serves wine so depending on how nervous I turn out to be I might go for the yummy grape option rather than the coffee.

Lancelot has accepted my invitation to stay with him and I am going to visit a week tomorrow and spend the night at his flat. I do rather wonder what he intends to happen and perhaps should have found out if he actually does have a spare room? He is so handsome I feel jolly intimidated and so have started a punishing gym and healthy eating regime... or rather I was doing awfully well with it all this week until I woke up this morning sleepy and with a hangover so am relaxing it again until Monday! I feel so in awe of his beauty that I even considered doing that strange Beyonce diet whereby you eat nothing for a week except this strange concoction of lemon, cayenne pepper and something else all mixed together... Well let us see how I feel on Monday about my figure. I hate the idea of fasting and the health aspects of it but I do want to feel thin and pretty for Lancelot (I am quite aware of how pathetic that sounds!).

Mr Blonde claimed to be under the misapprehension that I was busy this week when I asked him out, he also claimed to be very busy himself and so unable to fit me in. I think he is not terribly interested and just didn't want to say he didn't want to see me again. I would have liked to see him again but feel no great loss.

Had a ghastly nightmare last night that Germanicus and I got back together and then got married... it was so vivid that I have been unable to shake off the horrible feelings it roused and feel most disturbed about it all. I have recently been feeling very sad about things with him, and I did unblock him on facebook (though have not added him as a friend). I know I should be very careful and not let myself get into contact with him again because I would only end up getting hurt and back where I was a year ago... But gosh I did love him and I do miss him still. Whenever I am walking about the city I do regularly wonder if I will bump into him or see him with another girl, but I never have.

I do hope my date goes well this afternoon but I am not overly fussed I must say. Plus I have another first date lined up for next week and three other men still on the go with the whole messaging thing so things are pretty rosy. Plus in huge news I have just bought a Kindle! I am ridiculously excited about it and have spent all morning stuffing it full of wonderful books. Older books are free to download so I m amassing quite a wonderful collection. The first book I intend to read on my darling new companion is Anthony Trollope's 'The American Senator'. I heard some of the first episode when it was serialised recently on Radio 4 and adored it. Very much looking forward to starting it later, the heroine reminded me very much of Becky Sharp from my favourite 'Vanity Fair.

Perhaps I will spend my whole life searching for love only to discover that it was right under my nose the whole time: my books. Or it could be that my life is the search for love and that once found the curse will come upon me like the lady of Shalott?

Can you forgive her?

I adore the books of Anthony Trollope, though telling people I do so can be rather awkward as they horribly often get confused and think I am referring to Joanna Trollope... He really is not terribly well known nowadays but he is without a doubt one of my favourite authors.

Over the years I have steadily worked my way through the bulk of his work, though since he wrote dozens of books I still have some great treats left. Nowadays, aware as I am that the numbers of Trollopes unread by me is dwindling I tend to save them for when I go on holiday. Typically long, deliciously familiar and always wittily entertaining (in a more masculinely amusing Jane Austen style) they make perfect holiday reading.

To his critics the books take a very long time to get to an ending you can rather predict from the beginning and they often claim that nothing happens in them. However, I would heartily disagree as the whole point about Trollope's books is the character development that occurs and the minutely perfect character portraits he creates of his often extensive cast for the reader's delight. His books also happen to be set in the wonderful world of the 19th century which I find endlessly delightful to read about.

'Lady Anna' is my current Trollope (half of it is left over from a city break I took last weekend before uni started up again) and is deliciously class conscious. 'Barchester Chronicles' of which there is a series are utterly terrific, but his very best work is 'The Way We Live Now' which was also made into an excellent BBC adaptation a few years ago starring the magnificent David Suchet.

Partying again tonight which should be jolly good fun though not on the dating front as all will be friends and none of the men are attractive to me. Actually one of them I did find rather enticing last year, however, I later worked out that that was almost solely because he was the president of the society I attended and it was the power that I found so attractive... I am now on the committee of the society myself and his stock has rather dropped with me, though I do still think him a very nice boy.

About 7 months since I became single which is lovely and I feel most comfortable and happy as a busy single girl. At the weekend I attended a tea party held by a friend (we all wore charming tea dresses) and after the tea and cakes we moved on to prosseco and started to confide. We got to talking about exes and the host told me about her ex-boyfriend whom she split up with around the same time that I split up with mine. They went on a break and she kissed someone, nothing more, yet he could not forgive and so they did not reunite and her broken heart has plagued her ever since. My ex would not forgive me for splitting up with him when I tried to reunite... I still don't know why not. Forgiveness is a hard thing to master, but I do believe that if you want to forgive then you can always find a way, where as if you have other reasons or even just feelings like stubbornness etc then you deny yourself the ability to forgive and so have to carry on indefinitely with the weight not forgiving leaves with you.

But forgiving too much is also a mistake. I have a very pretty friend who forgave her ex-boyfriend several times for cheating on her for he just kept doing it. While my friend with the married man I believe to also have been far too forgiving. She is currently waiting to hear if he is going to split up with her or leave his wife... I do not know which would be best for her in the long run, but for her sake right now I do hope he gives her a decision so that she can get on with her life.