Oh the mystery that is man.

I have been horribly busy these last few weeks and so have been jolly lousy at updating this lovely blog. Actually still stuck in the depths of essays and exams but gosh do I need a break so I thought what better than to do a spot of blogging. Nothing tremendously ground breaking has happened these last few essay crammed weeks except that for some reason my fat tory chum has radically changed his attitude towards me...

We were getting along together so well and I really believed he had given in and just wanted to be friends. He is shockingly bad at attending lectures where as I am rather a swot about that sort of thing and go to them all, even if I do then sleep through them, so I didn't see very much of him for a while and still am not seeing him at all often. But over the last two weeks or so when we did happen to bump into each other his manner was very different indeed. Not exactly cold but researved and uninviting and distinctly different to the fun chummyness of before. Nothing has changed as far as I am am concerned and nothing has happened to make things different. I had said absolutely nothing to his disfavour behind his back, he had not asked me out and been rejected, I havent started going out with anyone else or told him that I rather fancy one of his friends (a yummy almost pretty boy who sadly has a girlfriend). Mystifying. The only thing I can come up with is that he made up his own mind that I don't find him attractive or, sadly more likely, is that one of friends said something cruel, probably along the lines of "Why are you following her around like that, she is never going to go out with you". Too cruel but quite likely, his friends being fab but a little inclined to that sort of hardness.

Also weeks and weeks ago, at the same tory dinner that I discovered the wet fish who I had turned down a date with for the same night, I was asked by one of my fat chum's friends what there was between us. I, of course, said we were friends and what fun he was. The chap asked again in a slightly different way and was assured that we were just good friends. I rather wonder now if he had been asked to find out from me what my feelings were and now my poor friend is feeling rebuffed. I must say though he is being jolly silly about it. We were at a party thrown by mutual friends over the weekend and he completely ignored me... but one of his lovely friends decidedly took a shine to me and very sweetly walked me home (sadly nothing doing as he is even more corpulent than the other though rather a honey).

I have started reading two new books recently; 'The Kreutzer Sonata' by Leo Tolstoy and 'Interview with a Vampire' by Anne Rice. My reading really does suffer hugely during term time but it is blissful to be reading brand new books once again. The former is most intriguing and so enjoyable in a deliciously thought provoking way. I adore the style with which Tolstoy wrote, the words slip over the eye like butter. While the latter book I have heard of and always vaguely meant to read, plus everyone but me seems to be buying into all this vampire stuff so I thought I should give it a shot.

Oh what a web we do weave when first we practice to deceive.

After my last post where I bemoaned the unattractiveness of that boring Tory boy and announced that I had bailed out of going on a date with him over the weekend, I have news! I had told him that I was going to spend the whole weekend in the library writing an essay, however, I really just didn't want to see him and so when I was invited to a Tory dinner by friends I happily accepted. Unfortunately it did not occur to me that my turned down date would be there!!!

I know that it being a Tory event and him being a Tory should have given me the hint, but it was a student dinner and he is not a student, so it really did not occur to me that he might turn up too. He did look rather surprised to see me I must admit but we were in a group and neither of us made any mention of his asking me out or why I declined and thankfully we were sitting at different tables for the dinner. I was friendly and nice to him and because the nature of the evening confined all to their respective seats I didn't need to have a proper chat with him. I found it rather amusing if truth be told.

Yesterday on facebook I was chatting to a mutual friend on the perfectly horrid facebook chat that always distracts me from my essay writing (if it makes any different the story of the essay was perfectly true) when he revealed that the boring boy, encouraged by our friend, had not given up hope! Now really, after a non-date, her ignoring your phonecalls (at least 6) and then her rejecting going out with you with an excuse that turns out to be false, how can you possibly still have hope?! I think he is nice but I am totally not interested and so have been trying to let him down gently, clearly a big mistake.

And low and behold last night I got a phonecall (carefully ignored of course - well actually I didn't hear it as I was having dinner with my friend who is involved with the married man) and when I got home there was a facebook message asking me on a proper date. When I say proper I mean proper because he actually told me that while he would never use the phrase 'Would you like to go on a date with me?' that that was his meaning. He phrased it all so incredibly badly, saying thinks like he had decided to ask me in 'a less beating about the bush sort of way' and that he was not going to 'be wet about it any more' and in his P.s. he told me that if I wanted to wash my hair instead that evening that that would be alright... I laughed long and hard which was perhaps a tad cruel as it is always nice to be asked out, but really?! If he had simply asked me to dinner and the theatre which is what the message boiled down to (you had to really boil it down, he uses the English language in a horribly convoluted sort of way, I think he thinks he sounds like Wodehouse but he is far off the mark) then that would have been fine and not at all pathetic.

Poor chap... Gosh but now I have not idea how to reply and his message came to me last night so I have to reply soon... A friend earlier suggested I simply message back that I would indeed be busy washing my hair that evening but I did think that cruel if succinct!

The power of physical attraction.

Stuck deep in essay season which I enjoy complaining about very much indeed. In fact although it is jolly hard work and my essay topics seem to be incredibly difficult and insurmountable I am really loving being busy and constantly on the move. Even when I allow myself breaks they are glorious and sleepy and highly enjoyable in contrast to the indignities of essay writing. The only downside is that as I have so much reading of textbooks to do for them that I am shamelessly neglecting the reading of fiction, bar the odd forage into a Nancy Mitford and my wonderful discworld audiobooks (just bought Monstrous Regiment from itunes).

That boring Tory boy did indeed ask me out again, for this Saturday night, but I have turned him down and pleaded my latest essay as an excuse. I truly find him physically repulsive... I feel rather bad about that as he is not particularly unattractive: normal height, dresses quite well, unremarkable looks but nothing hideous and so on. But for some reason the very idea of kissing him (well kissing I could probably manage but certainly the notion of anything else) makes me feel rather disgusted... I would so much rather kiss my chubby lecture buddy who I can perfectly well see is a lot less attractive... most odd. Like most of us I am vain and so I am very pleased he wants to go out with me, but all the same I think I would probably rather he didn't ask me again. Being physically attracted to someone is so important, I am not prepared to sacrifice something like that just to get a date.

Meeting up with a couple of good friends tonight, the one with the married chap and our mutual male friend. Things became weird between myself and my male friend after I split up with my horrid ex-boyfriend. He started to behave slightly differently and I was a little freaked out by it although thankfully he didn't do anything and clearly because of how he felt he avoided me for a few months after that. I like my male friends to be nice and safe, to know for sure that no matter how drunk we get nothing will happen between us. My flatmate, until her boyfriend, always seemed to end up sleeping with or kissing her male friends when very drunk. These incidents were almost always one offs and left her in uncomfortable, I like him but what does he feel and we are friends and this is very messy territory which I personally wish to avoid. Anyway he and I seem to be pretty much back to where we were before.

This is the day on which my other friend sees her married chap. She is meeting us for drinks and dinner and then going to see him. I wish she would change her mind and not meet up with him. She is being messed about by him and no matter how hard it is for her now it will be so much worse when they eventually have to stop seeing each other, and she will clearly be the one to have to end it some day which will be dreadful for her, he won't even have the guts to do that. She does still have her actual boyfriend but from what she told me earlier in the week when we met for lunch she seems to be tiring of him, and were they to finish I am sure she would start up a proper affair again with the married man. I don't want her to get hurt and I can see her gliding along towards a horrid breakup. I really need to come up with literary names for her and my flatmate and others, especially now I have named Moist... I will consider naming them after discworld characters but am concerned that that could spoil the books for me!

The fictionalised champagne reformation.

One of my specialist subjects in history is the reformation and so I was thrilled when I found a second hand copy of a novel called 'Q' in the Oxfam bookshop yesterday. It is set during the reformation and is full of the church schism that was the ultimate result of the 95 Thesis of Martin Luther. It looks jolly exciting and I  can't wait to delve in. I have read very little historical fiction though 'The Name of the Rose' is waiting in my bookshelf. Indeed the only historical fiction I can remember reading is one of Philippa Gregory's books about the Tudors, but they are so light and frilly and jazzed up by sex that I don't think they really count, though I was very surprised recently to hear her on the radio and find her very intelligent and incredibly highly educated. Wonderful Oxfam bookshop, I also found the novel 'Seeing' by Jose Saramago which won the Nobel prize for literature. It is about a world in which only an increasingly small percentage of the population turn out to vote at the polling stations... bit close to home after the last election here.

Went out to the boring Tory boy's birthday drinks last night (lovely art deco bar he chose as well). He was very interested to chat and after several drinks I got carried away by the attention and rashly agreed to see him at least twice more. Oh the horror of remembering it now! He was a honey and did buy me lots of glasses of champagne so the night was rather amusing, though nothing going with his friends who were a nice bunch but not wildly exciting. One of the things he has suggested we do together is attend a ceilidh this weekend... I do love a good ceilidh so I expect I will accompany him... especially if I think he will supply more champagne!

In Pursuit of Love.

Like Lydia of "In Pursuit of Love' I feel I have entered the cold years at home during which all I can do is play endless games of cards and greedily watch the minutes tick by on the clock. But I need to realise that that is far from being the case. I am perfectly able to find a wonderful man, I just need to look.

Still having a very yummy and fat making time following my Bridget Jones diet and as I have essay deadlines it shows no signs of stopping yet, though I really should try going back to the gym...

The boring Tory chap I went on that one date but not a date with is having his birthday party on Saturday night and I have decided that I absolutely must attend. I predict lots of men to meet! Plus they are jolly likely to be nice conservatives which is even better. While it would not bother me in the least to date a non-tory, it does at least show you from first meeting that you might have things in common and I find it a useful starting point. The now much hated ex was one when we first met (he later defected which just shows how spineless he is).

Had a very long chat with my friend about her situation with her married man last night. Although I don't think she can possible know she wants to be in a relationship with him based on only a few hours one day a week and a few snatched nights together she is sure she is in love with him. It makes it impossible for me to judge her (on that issue, I might add I do not think it right to continue with her boyfriend while she is in love with someone else) and just makes me feel sad that she is so sure and yet can't have him. The married chap is very good looking, much older and seems intelligent and nice enough, but he is cheating on his wife and has no intention of leaving her. He tells my friend often that he loves her but can't leave his wife, but refuses to break all connection with my friend. I think he is treating her very badly and that she is allowing him to do so based on her belief that she loves him.

I feel shameful about the following confession but it is the truth: I am jealous of her situation even though it involves pain because it also involves love and because she has the love of not one man but two. She has both devoted boyfriend and her affair. She is cheating on her loving boyfriend (technically he has not told her he loves her but it is very obvious) but admits to feeling no guilt over it. Oh it is petty of me and I am aware that I am also jealous of her having two men and me none, but I still think she is behaving badly to the boyfriend and just on a moral base level I don't like it and don't belief (although who can ever say for certain) that I would ever do that to someone. It is bad enough to have an affair with a married man but to do so while also cheating on your boyfriend is just being greedy!

The Bridget Jones guide to life.

After the big emotional event last week I cried until my body was physically incapable of expressing another drop of liquid. I then picked myself up, shook myself down and told myself that I hated him and he wasn't worth it. My friends and family have been just wonderful: very supportive and kind but in a no nonsense non-indulgent way. I had a long talk with my mother the morning after, then went to my one lecture of the day where my lovely lecture buddy could see I was upset and so gave me a great big hug, followed by lunch with my affair-with-married-man friend then I got take-out with my flatmate who canceled plans with her boyfriend in order to spend time with me. I cried in front of all of them all and by the next day felt ready to stop crying in public.

Since the event I have stopped going to the gym (I was doing wonderfully and was a committed gym buddy, going almost every day up until that point) and am comfort eating to a delicious degree. Good old Bridget Jones would have heartily approved! I am keeping very busy indeed and eating exactly what, and as much of it, as I feel like. Oh gosh it is so much fun to eat kettle crisps every day and have too much yummy cheese with every meal! Not totally going down the alcohol root as I am in the middle of essay season and can't write when drunk or badly hungover, but I am indulging in yummy glasses of wine with meals and the odd bottle of organic cider. Bridget Jones knew what she was on about, it makes one feel so much happier for one just focuses on the food side to life which never disappoints if one eats whatever one wants!

I know it will have to end soon and I will no doubt be back at the gym pounding away before long but in the meantime I am completely letting rip and all sense of proportion or portion size has gone out of the window and I am loving it.

I do hate him now. He never deserved me and had a lot of faults. I am better off without him and will soon be able to say that and really truly mean it.

Life is good, happy and very busy, and I am vaguely on the look out for a lovely new man.

It is over and my heart is broken.

After almost 4 months (4 months this coming Monday) of missing Germanicus desperately and getting upset about him often yesterday afternoon I thought about it long and hard and came to the decision that I didn't need to wait for him to come to me prepared to make the changes necessary for us to get back together and to tell me he loves me but that I was so miserable without him and so tired of waiting for him to come to me that it no longer mattered and I wanted to be with him so much that I should just go to him.

I was sure he wanted us to be back together as well. For the last month or so he has been very affectionate every time we have met up. Lots of cuddling, trying to hold my hand, sitting through films with his arm round me and making comments about things we would do together in the next few months. I was very aware that I had hurt him badly when I split up with him and believed that to be the reason why he had not said anything about getting back together, because he didn't think that was what I wanted.

I sent him an email in the early evening saying I needed to see him urgently and we met up after his lecture. I wanted to go back to my flat immediately and talk but he was hungry so we went to a nearby pub where he had chilli and I got nervous. It felt so good sitting next to him and chatting and feeling like we were back together already. It was all I could do to stop myself kissing him right there and then but I thought that it would be better to have the getting back together talk first, and after all there seemed to be no reason to hurry.

After leaving the pub (where I intentionally limited myself to one glass of wine, I didn't want him to think I was spurred on to make a decision because I was tipsy) I couldn't wait any longer but as he tried to put his arm round me I stopped us in the middle of the street and asked him what he was doing and then why he was doing it. He said because he liked me. I coyly asked him what he meant by that and he smiled and looked embarrassed but wouldn't answer even after prompting. The obvious assumption was that he still adored me and so I laughed and said we should walk back to my flat but that when we got there I wanted him to answer the question.

We got back and I asked him again, he gave the same answer but added that I was his special friend. He refused to be drawn further than that so I just went for it and asked him what he now felt about me. After ages and lots of manly embarrassment at having to talk about his feelings he said liked me as a friend. I was sorry that he couldn't tell me the truth which based on his behaviour was clearly that he still had feelings for me and that he would like for us to get back together.

I told him how I felt... and he said he didn't want to get back together.

He told me that he loves me but that he feels I betrayed him by splitting up with him and so that is that.

I don't think he ever did really love me, and he certainly doesn't now. I did not betray him, if anything he betrayed me by the whole living together debacle but while I can understand how he might feel betrayed and so on he totally lacks empathy and doesn't seem able to comprehend how I felt and why i split up with him. He seems to think I did it for no reason and so he now can't trust me. Where as I did it due to his pulling out of living together and because of the cruel and cowardly way in which he did it.

Since we split up I have secretly believed we would get back together and have really wanted us to. I now have to accept that we never will. I will not see him again and have deleted him on facebook. He has been such a huge part of my life for over 3 years and I am devastated. I don't really know what to do.