Wednesday, 20 October 2010

It is over and my heart is broken.

After almost 4 months (4 months this coming Monday) of missing Germanicus desperately and getting upset about him often yesterday afternoon I thought about it long and hard and came to the decision that I didn't need to wait for him to come to me prepared to make the changes necessary for us to get back together and to tell me he loves me but that I was so miserable without him and so tired of waiting for him to come to me that it no longer mattered and I wanted to be with him so much that I should just go to him.

I was sure he wanted us to be back together as well. For the last month or so he has been very affectionate every time we have met up. Lots of cuddling, trying to hold my hand, sitting through films with his arm round me and making comments about things we would do together in the next few months. I was very aware that I had hurt him badly when I split up with him and believed that to be the reason why he had not said anything about getting back together, because he didn't think that was what I wanted.

I sent him an email in the early evening saying I needed to see him urgently and we met up after his lecture. I wanted to go back to my flat immediately and talk but he was hungry so we went to a nearby pub where he had chilli and I got nervous. It felt so good sitting next to him and chatting and feeling like we were back together already. It was all I could do to stop myself kissing him right there and then but I thought that it would be better to have the getting back together talk first, and after all there seemed to be no reason to hurry.

After leaving the pub (where I intentionally limited myself to one glass of wine, I didn't want him to think I was spurred on to make a decision because I was tipsy) I couldn't wait any longer but as he tried to put his arm round me I stopped us in the middle of the street and asked him what he was doing and then why he was doing it. He said because he liked me. I coyly asked him what he meant by that and he smiled and looked embarrassed but wouldn't answer even after prompting. The obvious assumption was that he still adored me and so I laughed and said we should walk back to my flat but that when we got there I wanted him to answer the question.

We got back and I asked him again, he gave the same answer but added that I was his special friend. He refused to be drawn further than that so I just went for it and asked him what he now felt about me. After ages and lots of manly embarrassment at having to talk about his feelings he said liked me as a friend. I was sorry that he couldn't tell me the truth which based on his behaviour was clearly that he still had feelings for me and that he would like for us to get back together.

I told him how I felt... and he said he didn't want to get back together.

He told me that he loves me but that he feels I betrayed him by splitting up with him and so that is that.

I don't think he ever did really love me, and he certainly doesn't now. I did not betray him, if anything he betrayed me by the whole living together debacle but while I can understand how he might feel betrayed and so on he totally lacks empathy and doesn't seem able to comprehend how I felt and why i split up with him. He seems to think I did it for no reason and so he now can't trust me. Where as I did it due to his pulling out of living together and because of the cruel and cowardly way in which he did it.

Since we split up I have secretly believed we would get back together and have really wanted us to. I now have to accept that we never will. I will not see him again and have deleted him on facebook. He has been such a huge part of my life for over 3 years and I am devastated. I don't really know what to do.

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