Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Sam Vimes and Lady Sybil?

I adore Terry Pratchett's discworld series. In it he has created a whole world and populated it with peoples (one has to say peoples as not only are there humans but also trolls, dwarfs etc) who are both an ironic take on other nationalities and also a loving homage. His characters are both funny and yet are so well formed and characterised that they can also be heart-breakingly real and poignant. I am always iritated by reviews of his books and articles about them where it is assumed that their sole audience is spotty teenage boys, I am an avid fan of the great man and know many other adults who also revere him, just because some hacks fail to appreciate his more subtle and very clever charms they dismiss him out of court.

Such perfect homages and ironic takes are found in Pratchett. He has based some of his characters on historical characters, one of my favourites being Lord Vetinari who is based on Niccolo Machiavelli. Vetinari is tremendous and so wonderfully cold blooded and so similar in my mind to his counterpart that recently when I re-read 'The Prince' I found myself picturing him as the august ruler of Ankh-Morpork. And there is another great homage, for the capital city of the disc is based on the classical Rome and all roads do indeed lead to Ankh-Morpork.

To my mind the best of the discworld series' (there are several different series within the many discworld books, each different series focusing on a particular set of characters) is without a doubt the city watch books. There is nothing to beat the glorious Sam Vimes and if he were not so perfectly matched to Lady Sybil I would feel quite jealous!

I was thinking of Sam Vimes earlier for some odd reason and it got me thinking about love. He had a very brusque sort of courtship and yet one never doubted the great love behind it and then behind his marriage. I have always sought the hearts and roses type of courtship but while I adore the fuss with Germanicus I still felt the solidity of his feelings and of our relationship. I miss him very badly indeed and it is starting to overwhelm me. I think of him every day and often throughout each day. Were he to want to get back together and to promise that certain of the things that split us up would change then I would throw myself into his arms and stay there. But as it is we continue to meet up (sadly I am still the one to always suggest we meet up, he seems wonderfully happy to see me each time but I think my splitting up with him has made him less eager to suggest meetings to me) and I have started to cry when we do.

The last time I said goodbye prematurely as I knew I was going to cry and so goodnighted and then walked off, but he followed me. I cried and didn't say why and after once telling him I was fine he didn't ask again. The time before I went over to his flat to watch a dvd and I cried almost the whole way through but in a silent sort of way and as I have long hair and he was next to me he didn't notice. I cry when I am with him because it is just so nice and reassuring and contented being with him, like it used to be. My life is very happy and full of other things but I still miss the contentment and perhaps the safety of being with G.

Do I want to get back together with him? And at what cost? Would I be prepared to initiate it? To the latter at least I am still saying no. If I were to, in effect, go back to him then our relationship would just slip back into what it used to be and that is certainly not what I want.  I so want him to love me enough to try and get me back, but it didn't happen when I split up with him and it just isn't happening now. I do believe he may still love me but G is very wary about letting people get properly close to him and in his mind I can see I rejected him. I miss him so badly it hurts and I never seem to forget about it.

I used to really believe that G and I would go the distance and remain the loving and happy couple we were until the end of our days. It did seem incredible but while with him I felt so happy and was never the least bit interested in anyone else. We knew each other well and enjoyed so many of the same things. Even now when I have been single over 3 months and met lot of men since I haven't yet kissed anyone else, I have liked a few boys but somehow getting close to them feels weird and makes me panic.

But I don't know if I still love him. I was unhappy due to his lack of commitment and other things and the relationship soured as a result but when I split with him I still felt love. Sometimes I wonder if I have persuaded myself that being apart is for the best and that my heart is trying to tell me otherwise. 

I really thought we could be a united front like Sam and Sybil... Well Sam Vimes would not sit around moping and I am not either! Went to a terrific party last week and have another splendid sounding one tomorrow night. Always possible I might meet a new chap. The boring date guy keeps calling me... I wonder what he wants?! Must make myself available to men and just be happy and confident and not over think things!

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