Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Haunted by the past.
I had dreadful nightmares last night, one after the other on what felt like a permanent cycle of fear and unhappiness. My ex featured prominently. I had been thinking about him before I went to sleep and it must have seeped into my dreamworld. This morning I was drawn to his facebook page yet again (I perhaps foolishly unblocked him recently to have a look at his new girlfriend's page) and then spent an age going through our old email correspondence and our old photographs. Gosh we looked happy and every email spoke of how much he loved me. I hadn't realised quite how much I missed being frequently told how special I was to someone and how very much they cared about me. Having a loving boyfriend is like a wonderful thick warm blanket that is always wrapped round you in this cold world of ours, making everything nicer, happier and so much easier. I was debating with myself whether or not to add him as a friend on facebook... I think I am probably only debating it as I know it is a bad idea and that I shouldn't do it. I am already being distracted and upset by thinking about him again, surely being back in touch with him would just make it all much worse? Or would it help me to see him for who he really is, a nice boy that wasn't right for me and that I should stop looking at with rose-tinted glasses? Tricky. I think best not to do anything. I must just stop thinking about him and let it all go, after all it has been almost exactly a whole year since I last saw him, so why on earth do I still care so much? Besides if we met up and began some sort of uneasy friends relationship all it would take is for me to be suddenly left dating no-one again for me to start thinking of him with nostalgia and get upset and unhappy once more. Can't risk it. I must just have more self control and stop dwelling on the past. I must get over it and stop being so soppy.