Friday, 3 September 2010

Grey areas.

Last night was really weird. We started off in a vaguely argumentative mood, or to be honest I did and he was cheery, then as dinner progressed things were lovely which led to me getting all sad thinking about what might have been. After that I didn't feel like sitting through a movie and so we went to my flat and sat chatting for hours. We got onto the subject of our breaking up repeatedly and we both got sad. By later on that evening I was desperate for him to kiss me as that sort of felt like it would magically solve everything that had happened but luckily he didn't, although at the time I wished he would. We sat really close on the couch but nothing happened bar a brief hug and then in a wild moment that I am trying to forget I sort of invited him to stay over... he was really sleepy and I did add just as friends, but I still regret it, thankfully he rejected my offer and left. Afterwards I cried for a long time and then spend a sleepless night thinking about him and about us, but not coming to any conclusions.

I know it was for the best that nothing happened but I feel ghastly today and miss him so much. But I must try and focus on what is best in the long run and getting back with Germanicus is not what is best. And earlier in the evening lots of his old habits resurfaced and annoyed me just like they used to, and he talked about all the same sort of things he always did, he was not very interested in what I had been doing and wanted to talk about himself all the time etc.

Over our current situation he is being very passive which is agrivating. In answer to several questions from me he freely admitted he still didn't think our splitting up was for the best, he referred to me as wonderful and said he didn't want to date anyone but me. And yet even though I intentionally sat v close to him he didn't try and kiss me, he didn't open up a 'i love you lets give it another shot' chat and yet he made it clear in so many ways that he wants us to be together again. I hate that passivity. If he wants me back he should do something about it and if he doesn't then he shouldn't throw out such hints. In the earlier portion of the evening I said that now we are learning to be friends we must not have grey areas of him saying things like that and trying to hold my hand etc, and although I too allowed lots of greyness later on I think my original plan of just black and white was better and intend to work hard at it now.

I really want us to be friends as I can't bare for him not to be in my life. But it will be unfair on him as well as me if I allow myself to try and encourage him to make a play fopr me again, for in all honesty that is what I was doing. I have been very hurt at the way in which he has so easily got on with his life after we split up but as I have decided that the split is for the best I must stick with it and not allow myself to give in to the loneliness and sadness of it by letting anything happen with him. It would spoil any chance of our becoming and remaining friends.

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