All in the past - the last of Germanicus.

On the eve of a new university term one takes stock, looks back at what has been and looks forward to what is just around the corner. This being a fresh beginning and a new start I am determined now to finally and completely put the ghost of Germanicus behind me. I still find my thought drifting to him and am making excellent efforts to cease such silly and weak behaviour. I must let the past be behind me absolutely.

I was helped in these commendable efforts by bumping into him quite by chance a few months ago. We spoke for ten minutes or so as we walked in the same direction and then said our goodbyes. I looked rather good (not my very best but thankfully I wasn't caught out at the corner shop on one of those mornings when I haven't yet washed my hair or taken my glasses off for contacts) and I was cheerful and polite but distinctly distant. He was quite nervous I thought as we started to talk, and for a while I could see the cogs in his heading turning over and over as he tried to make up his mind as to if I would have heard of his new girlfriend and indeed if he should mention her. He didn't, of which I was glad, as really what could I have replied to such a comment? I was careful to be very non-commital to his suggestions to meet up and even commented on finding out where he tended to lunch during the week that I was glad I knew, implying so I could avoid him (I know this sounds a bit rude but he is very difficult to strick a point home to and I would rather seem a bit rude and make him know I don't want to see him). It actually went very well for me: I looked nice and was very cheerful and enthusiastic about all the things going on in my life and was nice and polite about his life. My knees did shake a whole lot afterwards but I was on my way to a lecture so a lovely friend let me talk on and on about it and gave me a hug. By the time the lecture was over I felt miles better and like a weight had been lifted.

I am very glad we have now done the first meeting. It has helped a lot for he was a stranger to me, not the Germanicus of my memories, but a new and a different person. But I have no desire or wish to see to see him again. And really since it took over a year for me to bump into him I don't think there is much danger of that. Other than that one occasion I did once see his car driving past (I didn't see him in it) while on my to a party and it really threw me and made me all weird. My friends actually had to rally round and calm me down when I arrived, but I soon recovered on that occasion and now have no fears on such a score as the first meeting is over and I acquited myself very well indeed. In fact if there was a winner (and lets face it there always is) then it was I. I think all this time I had been worried about running into him, but now I have, it was okay and it is all over and the first meeting can never occur again.

So onwards brave knight to the next conquest. Actually I have a date tomorrow night with Mr Blonde, but more of that another time.

Haunted by the past.

I had dreadful nightmares last night, one after the other on what felt like a permanent cycle of fear and unhappiness. My ex featured prominently. I had been thinking about him before I went to sleep and it must have seeped into my dreamworld. This morning I was drawn to his facebook page yet again (I perhaps foolishly unblocked him recently to have a look at his new girlfriend's page) and then spent an age going through our old email correspondence and our old photographs. Gosh we looked happy and every email spoke of how much he loved me. I hadn't realised quite how much I missed being frequently told how special I was to someone and how very much they cared about me. Having a loving boyfriend is like a wonderful thick warm blanket that is always wrapped round you in this cold world of ours, making everything nicer, happier and so much easier. I was debating with myself whether or not to add him as a friend on facebook... I think I am probably only debating it as I know it is a bad idea and that I shouldn't do it. I am already being distracted and upset by thinking about him again, surely being back in touch with him would just make it all much worse? Or would it help me to see him for who he really is, a nice boy that wasn't right for me and that I should stop looking at with rose-tinted glasses? Tricky. I think best not to do anything. I must just stop thinking about him and let it all go, after all it has been almost exactly a whole year since I last saw him, so why on earth do I still care so much? Besides if we met up and began some sort of uneasy friends relationship all it would take is for me to be suddenly left dating no-one again for me to start thinking of him with nostalgia and get upset and unhappy once more. Can't risk it. I must just have more self control and stop dwelling on the past. I must get over it and stop being so soppy.

To date or not to date.

The one big advantage to online dating is that everyone is there for the same thing: we are all looking for people to go on dates with and hopefully find one among them to form a relationship with. There is no beating about the bush, no need for those awkward moments when you are wondering if you are indeed on a date with them or if they just want to hang out with you as a friend, and best of all no need to discuss if you are on a date or not as you are both well aware that you are. In real life dating things are less clear and although personally I have no problems with assuming I am on a date, remaining calm and waiting to see if they will get in touch with me or not to take me out again. Simple!

Not so simple for other people as it turns out... After the shock of hearing about Germanicus' new relationship I took lots of deep breaths and decided to just get on with things and not dwell on it. The best way to keep my mind off it would of course be to get a boyfriend of my own, or at least have some jolly fun dating instead, so I texted the blast from the past boy and we arranged to do lunch yesterday. Now I assumed this was a date. Totally easy: nice meal, lots of wine, he very sweetly insisted on paying: it was clearly a date. Why he felt the need to question this simple logic is beyond me!

We had a very nice time, he is so easy and fun to chat to. Really very clever, well informed and interesting. I even found that although I still didn't find him hugely attractive, the more I got to know him the more I liked him. It turned into one of those very long lunches that go on until the early evening until you are both pretty sozzled after all the wine. I then left to get my bus and he gave me the briefest of kisses goodbye. All jolly good and we left it that we would do dinner again soon.

Then today I get the cringyest, most spine churningly awful text message from him trying to ascertain if we are now dating... It was dreadful and so horribly off putting! He did try a couple of times yesterday to ask me if we were on a date and from some throwaway remarks certainly implied we were. Well I was happy to go along with the latter and simply changed the subject when the former came up: hate that sort of embarrassing discussion and really I thought it most premature. What is wrong with just going on a couple of dates without having to have a relationship talk? I felt there was absolutely no need for it and wished to avoid it at all costs.

I like men to be confident and assertive, there is nothing more attractive than confidence. If he wanted to date me he should just have asked me out again, a cosy romantic dinner or something along those lines, and kissed me. Easy! Instead I get a message asking if I would like to on another date unless he has scared me away (which I don't understand actually... he hadn't done anything to put me off until his text message), then asked if these were indeed dates... Ghastly. Though I think I am biased anyway as he uses text language with lots of 2 instead of to and so on... I think I just find it all so awkward, fumbly and clumsy which makes me feel so uncomfortable and vaguely embarrassed about it all. Why why why did he feel the need to make things all awkward and uncomfortable by making things all serious and locked in?

Oh I know I am being much too harsh on him: he is a nice boy and is only asking me if I would like to date him... But a certain slickness and confidence would have been so much appreciated. Plus in a text message, really? Is that the right forum for such a question?! But it is my own fault for I suspect I am only so displeased about it all because it means I actually have to commit myself to dating him or plain out say no, rather than being left with a very pleasing get out clause because I hadn't ever actually confirmed we were going on dates... and I don't think I like him enough to commit, even to dating. Also he is nice and I don't want to hurt his feelings by going on a couple more dates before I chuck him... which I almost certainly would. Interesting and intelligent but just not attractive.

I recently realised I still have some old videos I once took of Germanicus on my ipod and seem to be unable to work out how to delete them... they are now taunting me. I should also stop facebook stalking his new girlfriend and being freaked out by how similar we look...

The sadness of love.

Germanicus has a new girlfriend.What is more they have been together for quite some time, so back when I was still a mess about us being apart he had launched into a full on proper relationship again. My friend recently met them together and says that the new girl looks crazily like me in terms of face and hair (though she is bigger and taller). I cried when I found out. I feel weird. I was right to split up with him and don't regret it. But I loved him so much, and for a long time was so happy with him, shared so much with him and truly thought we would always be together. When I split up with him I still loved him, and it feels as though he moved on so easily and it has been so difficult and challenging for me. I am not even ready for a real relationship now, so strongly did I feel for him and so lasting an impact has it had. He obviously didn't feel it all as strongly as I did. I feel so sad about it and dread the thought of bumping into him with her when I am out somewhere. I hate the thought of him being like he was with me with someone else.

I think it is that sense of being part of a team, of sharing your life with one other person. A person who knows you in a way no one else does. For no matter how close you are to your parents, siblings or friends they don't know you in the way that your partner does. The two of you become joined on this special level and share aspects of yourself that are a closed book to anyone else, and can become closer than you are to any other person. He has found himself on another team, and has already found that special connection and relationship with someone else. I am happy to be dating again but until very recently have not felt ready to share that kind of huge commitment with anyone but him. To me a proper relationship is a huge deal and I take that level of commitment very seriously indeed. For him to have been ready to just forget about me and commit so soon to someone else feels horrible. He has not done anything wrong, I just feel hugely sad about it. It hurts so much.

But life goes on and I will hopefully meet someone who is the right match for me one day soon.

Things are going very well with Mr Blonde. We had dinner and drinks again earlier this week and I really do like him more and more. He is not terribly intellectual and doesn't read the sort of books I do (he likes good old thrillers) and isn't awfully into culture in general, but he doesn't mind the least bit that I am (unlike my horrid experience with Phd Boy who clearly found ti intimidating). I find we actually have lots to talk about even though, or perhaps because, we like different things and I do think him jolly cute.

Still find it odd that someone can reach 30 without ever having had an actual relationship (nothing over a few months apparently) or been in love, but I expect he has just been busy doing other things and is probably picky. Though the way he is treating me; all the wining and dining and taking things jolly slowly yet quite obviously liking me a lot, makes me wonder if he is preparing me as his first real girlfriend... After all if not then surely he would have invited me to stay over before now if he liked me, or even just chucked me if he didn't like me? Interesting and most promising!

The friend who got in touch after years and years of not seeing him I met up with last weekend. We had a brilliant lunch and I found him just as clever and interesting as I remembered. We have lots of books and so on in common and I had such a great time with him. He then messages a couple of days later saying he had very much enjoyed seeing me again and sort of asking me out... the implication was actual relationship ask out which I must admit to finding a bit full on. I also found it hard to reply to, but in the end sent a sweet message telling him it had been lovely seeing him too. Hoping to see him again soon, but although I really love chatting to him I don't find him attractive at all... But then as I have found with Mr Blonde feelings can develop the more one gets to know someone, so perhaps I will find him more attractive in time?

Slime and sea-monsters.

Things with Mr Blonde are going rather well, he is a jolly nice chap and am seeing him again sometime next week. Date numero 3 was a great success and he claims that he hadn't been in touch since out second date due to being really busy at work and so on which I do believe. It had of course occurred to me that he had just been busy dating other girls but he actually said he has gone completely off the whole online thing and that I was the only one he has met up with... I do find that a little odd, but then I myself am hugely bored of the whole thing and have stopped logging into my account so it does rather sound as if he is telling the truth. Anyway he was most amused by my tale of the bad date which only lasted 40 minutes and didn't chip in with any experiences of his own so I think he is telling the truth. I was also reminded of just how good looking he is and after date 3 found myself looking forward very much to seeing him again. The only issue with Mr Blonde, however, was that if our first kiss was anything to go by then he is not at all skilled...

But I was more than prepared to put the bad kiss down to chance, error, circumstance etc though when a chap shoves his tongue down your throat straight away on your very first kiss... oh so slimy! Well it just isn't quite what one would want or expect to happen! But kudos to him for enthusiasm and after all perhaps he just miscalculated as it was late and he maybe rushed into the kiss goodnight. Date number 4, however, revealed that sadly this is indeed what he thinks the perfect kiss entails... Oh gosh so much tongue, so slimy and wet and without really doing anything with it... I do wonder now if good kissing equates to being good in bed... but then Phd Boy really was a very nice kisser and he proved incredibly lacking in bed... But perhaps he will get better? One can at least hope and we really did have a lovely time. 

Mr Blonde improves upon acquaintance and it is so nice to be going out with someone with no irritating claustrophobic clingyness such as insisting you text them when you get home safely or wanting to see you 2 or 3 times a week or texting you like clockwork the morning after every date just to say they enjoyed it etc. Phd Boy did all of these things and they ended up really annoying me. I like that Mr Blonde is clearly viewing this whole thing as nice simple dating without imagining that we are quickly becoming a couple. Amusingly he also seems to be one of those boys that if in passing you comment on any other woman being pretty they seem to think you are a closet lesbian! In my case I made some innocent little remark about Marilyn Monroe being beautiful and you should have seen the eye-brows shoot up! I later tested this being commenting on a female friend of mine and something about incriminating drunken pictures from a night out and I could see from his smile he jumped to the conclusion we had hooked up in some way. I wonder if he will ever ask me?!

What I do not mind but find rather odd, however, is that he seems quite content to have our physical contact limited to one quite brief kiss goodnight... We have been out four times now, and two of them recently, and so far that is all that has happened or been attempted and I can't help wondering if he is happy with that or, frankly, what he gets out of it all. He pays for dinner and drinks (I do offer but he very sweetly always refuses) then because he has an early start every morning we say goodnight about 11pmish, he kisses me goodnight and that is it. There has been no move on his part to kiss me earlier on in the dates, no hand holding, no anything. I have in no way tried to evade such intimacy, in fact I would rather like to have some yummy make-out sessions with him (I still do hope his kissing will improve, though he does also have a little stubble which is clearly going to give me a rash if we kiss for long) and last night took us to a very dark and snug little bar where we could easily have made-out out of public view, and yet he hasn't. Totally possible he is just tired by the end of the night due to long days at work, but he doesn't seem to be the sort of chap who thinks gentlemanly conduct behoves him to wait until more dates have passed before attempting more bases. Most odd... but I expect that rather like dear Lancelot he probably does very little before suddenly inviting one back to his apartment and sleeping with you all in one move.

But really it does seem like the ideal set-up: no commitment, no hassle, lovely restaurants and wine bars, good looking chap and the promise of something more in the near future. The Blue Peter Chap on the other hand I have phased out. We had vague plans to meet last weekend and he said to get in touch nearer the time, I didn't and the wet drip never got in touch with me either. I liked him and found him quite good looking (though really very thin. I much prefer rugby player types to football player bodies and he was jolly bean-pole like) but although confident and articulate he seemed jolly shy about kissing me and I strongly suspect him to be a virgin. Not keen on sleeping with a virgin; all that boring fumbling around and having to be ever so patient and kind. If I liked him enough of course I would still be interested, but I am not.

Following date number 4 with Mr Blonde I then had a ghastly nightmare about Germanicus... I was in his flat, which was freaky, and we seemed to be giving our relationship another shot until we started bickering and I told him I was leaving. So at least I left...

Thankfully I have not run into the hot lecturer around campus but I do seem to be making more effort in terms of forcing myself out of bed to wash my hair before my early morning lectures, which I suspect shows that my sub-conscious is trying to prepare me for the surely inevitable run-in with him.

Poor old books (of the fictional sort anyway) are not getting much of a look in now I am back at Uni. But I am amusing myself with 'Sense and Sensibility and Sea monsters', my fourth (oh god my fourth!) Jilly Cooper novel and Shakespeare's Sonnets. Jolly cross that they have just released a new all singing all dancing kindle in the states which will be coming here soon and does everything, also that the UK has just released a new kindle which is cheaper than the one I got and does just as much... So typical! S and S and S is not nearly as good as 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies'... it feels much more pulled about and jarring. I only got it because it was cheaper than getting S and S proper and as I already have a book version of it it seemed to make sense at the time... That is the problem with the kindle; it is so very easy to buy books that you get lots you would never bother to purchase in real life. But I also found lots of Shakespeare's plays for free so that was a good save.

Blast from the past.

Decided that I needed to do some research into the whole friends with benefits idea in regards to Lancelot and so spent yesterday watching 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Friends with Benefits' and 'No Strings Attached' thanks to the wonders of megavideo. The former I rather enjoyed but although I did like that they got together at the end I found it all strangely passionless... oh for sure they loved each other and had great fun and chemistry in that sense together, but there never felt like there was a physical attraction between them. There never felt any overwhelming lust and need between them to hook up and so I was left a little off put by that. Where as I thought the friends who get together thanks to a cringy double date were wonderful and I did much more believe in their chemistry. 'Friends with Benefits' had its moments, particularly thanks to a wonderful performance by Patricia Clarkson as the mother of the female lead, but I found it pretty tedious. It wasn't all funny and sexy but instead both characters though very attractive were really very dull. And the plot was nonexistent. It all felt much more like a couple who just have a rocky start to their relationship rather than any interesting and potentially challenging material about f**k buddies. However, it was head and shoulders above 'No Strings Attached' which despite the ever watchable Natalie Portman I found so dreary I couldn't be bothered to finish it. Which there is absolutely no need to do anyway as from the beginning we are all convinced (and quite right I might add) that the two characters will eventually get together and admit that they are in love.

I wonder if my research is slightly off... Books and Hollywood have already convinced me of the might and power of love, and how I will one day find the perfect man for me etc etc etc, could it be possible that Hollywood has also given me the wrong message about being special friends with a boy? Could it possibly be that Lancelot and I having gone down that path won't one day turn to each other and admit out love? But then if that does happen surely we will slip immediately into the plot of the ghastly 'One Day' (both book and film so it must be accurate) and over the years be friends of varying sorts before at long last getting married?

Well a girl can hope! The problem of course being (which is horribly obvious and equally horribly true) that I already adore him and he almost certainly (books have taught me that one is never sure what the man really feels, just look at Mr Darcy for dear old Lizzie Bennett had no idea he wanted to marry her until he proposed) doesn't feel the same way about me. I do wish I could convince myself he doesn't care for me... but sadly it is always possible to delude oneself and hold tightly onto little gestures or comments and give them a value and impetus they were not meant to contain.

But now that another uni term has begun I have lots to keep me occupied, not least that yesterday I made the alarming discovery that the hot lecturer I asked out last term has not moved on to another university as I was previously informed was the plan, but is in fact still here! I am horrified! Oh dear god the thought of having him as a lecturer again is so embarrassing... in fact I don't have him as a lecturer I am pretty sure but that still leaves the infinitely worse problem that I might get him as a tutor... that would be a nightmare as tutorial groups are very small and there would be so many opportunities for eye-contact and him thinking I had turned up earlier in order to try and speak to him alone.

I still feel that life is short and that one should grab any opportunities to go out with someone you like but really this is why one doesn't ask out a lecturer! I feel very cross and betrayed, he was supposed to be teaching somewhere else by now, I had it on good authority he wouldn't be teaching here still! Oh well with any luck I won't get taught by him, but that does still leave the dreaded possibility that I will bump into him, and in fact could bump into him at any time... But though I am now fearing such an encounter, just like in the case of Lancelot it does still occur to me at the back of mind that something might still happen between us... gosh I need to get a grip and stop daydreaming but it would be so lovely...

But I am keeping busy with men who are actually available and do actually fancy me and tomorrow is date number 3 with Mr Blonde while a chap who asked me out years ago (I was with Germanicus at the time and had to say no) has been back in touch and we are going to meet for drinks soon. Oh it is nice to feel one has options!

Mr Alf to the life.

I am now safely installed in my friend's house in the South of England having spent a couple of days in the company of Lancelot... And sadly yet inevitably I utterly adore him and can think of nothing else. He is even more arrogant and even more of a tosser than I remembered but I find it dreadfully appealing. He  is just the sort of man I have always found irrisistable, the hard ruthless and utterly appalling man who makes a great success of his life and becomes incredibly powerful through their own skill, intensive self-promotion and through bloody fighting and under-hand manoveres. The sort of bastard that Rupert Murdoch or Augustus Melmott in Anthony Trollope's 'The Way We Live Now' are; smooth, successful, harsh and devastating but so tremendously successful that I respect their ambition and drive as they conquer  all before them. Of course poor old Melmott didn't succeed in the end so in that book Mr Alf might be a better comparison, he was determined, very clever and fought hard and beat all before him. I love that sort of man... I used to fantasise about marrying someone like that who would be so hard and ruthless to the world yet would be able to show their soft side to me alone... Lancelot, from what I could remember about him (we had only met once before several years ago after all) and from facebook, I knew to be physically appealing to me as well: well built and fair haired (though he isn't as tall as I tend to like). But in person I found him devastatingly attractive. I have rarely felt so physically attracted to someone... gosh he was hard to resist!

But in the end I did resist and I declined to sleep with him.

He has slept with a lot of girls and I soon realised that if we had sex I would soon be less interesting to him and I am determined that should not be case. If nothing else it is simply wonderful to have someone to go and stay with when I want to visit London for an exhibition or the theatre (I used to go down rather a lot with Germanicus but that option has obviously gone).

I was horribly nervous for the last hour or so on the train before meeting but was much comforted by frequently looking into my hand mirror to see that all my work with the make-up brushes had paid off (really it takes a hell of a long time to look as natural as I do) and I was very pleased with my pretty summer dress and beautifully painted nails, not to mention the carefully chosen pieces of jewellery which complimented and finished the whole look splendidly. Within one minute of meeting again I knew I liked him very much indeed and within ten I knew I was going to have to be very careful indeed if my heart was not going to become involved.

He is charming and so sharp, teases one greatly and always plays to win. He goes to great effort to seem detached himself and rather than just being nice and complimentary and easy to muddle along with like most men he makes things harder and is casually insulting and hard work to keep up with. However, I can give as good as I get and I really did on this occasion. He batted hard balls to me: all sorts of different and challenging subjects, the whole how good is your background thing, exes and what sort of attributes they have and how that makes you look better for having gone out with them, education, current affairs, insults and sticking up for yourself and your views... but I fought hard and am very proud to say in the end there was a distinct (well of course he would argue he won, he just being that sort of chap) draw. I love to be challenged and he certainly does, but I find that there are so few people out there who do present a proper challenge, and on so many levels as well that I had a terrific time battling it out with him.

We did drinks and dinner and went back to his abode to watch Game of Thrones (only the first episode which was intriguing and I expect will warm up as the series goes on so will likely stick with it). We then almost had sex but by this point I had heard about various girls (I am sure this was intentional to keep me on my toes, and I managed to slip in lots of bits about past dates of mine) and knew that to retain his interest long enough before he had the chance to get to know me properly I needed to not sleep with him so soon. Sweetly he actually admitted this himself and we left it that he liked me a lot and wanted to see me again, and that we would hold off. But gosh it was hard not to, he really is jolly devastating!

He had a four year relationship which ended in some ghastly way too young engagement and they split two months after that. That was about a year ago and he has just been doing lots of sleeping around since but apparently recently decided to try and wait three dates before doing so as it was about time he started to date properly. The only bad thing is that Lancelot is clearly still hung up over his ex... I do dislike that as of course one then feels there might be no room in his heart for a new proper relationship and sadly I have been totally thrown by the wonderful combination of looks, attitude, brains and ambition that he presents so that I would love nothing more than to be his girlfriend. Of course being the type of man he is I tried very hard not to hint at this at all but I am a little afraid I let him see I liked him.

Alas he lives so far away and unless he takes me up on my suggestion that I break my journey back home by staying over this Thursday night then I won't see him again for months. All for the best I expect as uni is starting again very soon and I do want to dedicate myself to my academic pursuits during term time. But he does want to see me again in general (really he seemed to like me rather a lot in the end... perhaps he doesn't meet many girls who present as much of a challenge as he himself presents?) so if nothing else I have found a charming friend in London who can put me up when I want to visit the glorious capital.

The Blue Peter Chap has been in touch since our second date and wants to see me again. We had a very nice meal together before I hit London, but although I like him he is not a patch on Lancelot and is clearly much shyer with girls. I love Lancelot's take chargeness, he just goes for it and doesn't do all the dreadful waiting around for ages before even kissing a girl or waiting for ages after that before sleeping with her. Blue Peter didn't even kiss me goodnight... but did sweetly compliment me afterwards about how lovely I looked and he is interesting to converse with so another date when I get back sounds like a plan.

In fact interestingly on the subject of kissing Lancelot went straight from kissing into trying to sleep with me, there was no long making out period by any stretch of the imagination, and in fact kissing to him just seemed like the starting move and pleasant accompaniment rather than any sort of stage in its own right which is how most men seem to treat it. Along with other telling little gestures this showed that although he has been used to sleeping with lots of girls he is not used to other types of intimacy which tend to belong in relationships.

Oh darling arrogant tosser I do so like you, I even get that butterflies in the tummy feeling when I think of you!

The Lady of Shalott?

I really must start getting used to dealing with my re-date nerves as with my luck I have years and years of first dates ahead of me over the years as I search valiantly for 'the one'. Today I have my first date with a chap found online. He is slightly younger than me which I am not keen on, but at least has finished uni and does something financial. Strangely almost all the men searching for love online seem to work with computers or in finance... perhaps there is a dearth of women in those fields? Anyway he seems jolly nice, looks cute in his pictures and reads books so we shall see how it goes. Meeting in a rather cool little cafe which also serves wine so depending on how nervous I turn out to be I might go for the yummy grape option rather than the coffee.

Lancelot has accepted my invitation to stay with him and I am going to visit a week tomorrow and spend the night at his flat. I do rather wonder what he intends to happen and perhaps should have found out if he actually does have a spare room? He is so handsome I feel jolly intimidated and so have started a punishing gym and healthy eating regime... or rather I was doing awfully well with it all this week until I woke up this morning sleepy and with a hangover so am relaxing it again until Monday! I feel so in awe of his beauty that I even considered doing that strange Beyonce diet whereby you eat nothing for a week except this strange concoction of lemon, cayenne pepper and something else all mixed together... Well let us see how I feel on Monday about my figure. I hate the idea of fasting and the health aspects of it but I do want to feel thin and pretty for Lancelot (I am quite aware of how pathetic that sounds!).

Mr Blonde claimed to be under the misapprehension that I was busy this week when I asked him out, he also claimed to be very busy himself and so unable to fit me in. I think he is not terribly interested and just didn't want to say he didn't want to see me again. I would have liked to see him again but feel no great loss.

Had a ghastly nightmare last night that Germanicus and I got back together and then got married... it was so vivid that I have been unable to shake off the horrible feelings it roused and feel most disturbed about it all. I have recently been feeling very sad about things with him, and I did unblock him on facebook (though have not added him as a friend). I know I should be very careful and not let myself get into contact with him again because I would only end up getting hurt and back where I was a year ago... But gosh I did love him and I do miss him still. Whenever I am walking about the city I do regularly wonder if I will bump into him or see him with another girl, but I never have.

I do hope my date goes well this afternoon but I am not overly fussed I must say. Plus I have another first date lined up for next week and three other men still on the go with the whole messaging thing so things are pretty rosy. Plus in huge news I have just bought a Kindle! I am ridiculously excited about it and have spent all morning stuffing it full of wonderful books. Older books are free to download so I m amassing quite a wonderful collection. The first book I intend to read on my darling new companion is Anthony Trollope's 'The American Senator'. I heard some of the first episode when it was serialised recently on Radio 4 and adored it. Very much looking forward to starting it later, the heroine reminded me very much of Becky Sharp from my favourite 'Vanity Fair.

Perhaps I will spend my whole life searching for love only to discover that it was right under my nose the whole time: my books. Or it could be that my life is the search for love and that once found the curse will come upon me like the lady of Shalott?

Love is a losing game.

Watching Gavin Henson haplessly trying to flirt with a bunch of women on The Bachelor this evening was like watching a cattle market in full swing. It was rather sickening as the girls all vied for the affections of such a non-catch simply because he is good looking and famous and they are all single and seeking an eligible man... Reminded me of myself man hunting via the internet and so it has also occurred to me that I really should put more effort into the messages I am replying to. So far I must admit to have found them incredibly annoying to reply to as although it can be interesting to read what they have to say, for the most part they are pretty generic and I really do think it is so much easier and more effective to simply meet up after a couple of messages for it soon descends into a back and forth of short messages that don't really help one much in finding out about them.

I currently have about four on the go messaging back and forth and the favourite is a teacher in his early thirties. He is quite good looking, claims to be Oxbridge educated and reads books. He has also travelled and does seem interesting. One of my other front runners is a chap who does a lot of hill walking but he doesn't read as much. And a new find is one who loves Howl's Moving Castle. I found the latter myself by searching, where as usually I have been lazy on that front and rather waited for them to find me... Which is really stupid and of course this sort of course of action is exactly why I have not found men in real life either as I have always waited for them to find/approach/ask me out.

So new resolutions: spend more time and put more effort into my messages and do more searching of my own. But I do think that being very clear about loving books in my profile and messages is excellent as a way of whittling out the ones I am not going to find interesting in real life and also a good way to put off the ones who might not be interested in me. I value brains and education very highly and so there is really no point in pretending otherwise as I don't believe we would have enough in common, no matter how nice or good looking they turned out to be as if possible I would like to find a boyfriend rather than someone to go on three dates with.

The more time I spend looking for love and going on dates with disappointing me the more I realise how lovely Germanicus was and what a special chap he is. I am clearly hard to please and very picky, the pool of men out there is limited and there are so few who I find myself interested enough in to date, while finding those special men is horribly hard as well. Germanicus is very intelligent, interesting, kind, beautifully mannered, very traditional and properly courts a girl, we had a lot in common and he truly loved and cared about me. No he didn't prove to be the love of my love, but he was a splendid first boyfriend and the more time passes and the more my heart heals I am able to look back and see him as the wonderful person he is. I hope he feels the same way about me.

Now what of Mr Blonde? I have discussed what happened on our second date with several friends and they all agreed that the poor soul simply had to get up for work in the morning really early and so it was entirely acceptable that he said he had to leave, and that it didn't indicate any lack of attraction. He did actually text me the next day as well to say what a lovely time he had had with me the night before (and praised my choice of restaurant and bar – yet another boy who leaves me to chose where we go each time). I forced myself (I must admit to a mild cross feeling left from the totally lacklustre end to the night before) to send him a sweet little response in which I said how nice it would be to see him next week as I was going away until then. Not heard from him yet... so hoping that I do but I couldn't tell if he really liked me or not, and I spill some of my cocktail on him when I was trying to rearrange my dress while sitting on a high couch... he didn't seem to mind and was awfully nice about it... But really I think I am just clutching at straws now and trying to second guess what he thought. Besides do I even like him all that much? I think I would just like the ego boost of being asked for a third date, and since I have yet to find anyone else who is better I would be happy to stick with him while looking... But then being absolutely honest I say that sort of thing as a defence in case he turns out not to like me, so that I can turn around afterwards and claim I wasn't much fussed about him either. But really it would be so lovely to feel I had someone interested in me properly once again, it gives one such a jolly safe feeling to have a fond love interest and he does seem nice (oh lukewarm boring word - perhaps I am not so very keen on Mr Blonde and do just want the ego boost after all!).

Bloody men.

What is it that I want exactly? I go on about wanting to find a nice chap who I quite enjoy spending time with and who will treat me to dinner and then when that is what I find I am still disatisfied... Mr Blonde and I had a yummy meal and wine, he paid then I suggested an excellent cocktail bar, we had delicious cocktails, eventually cuddling up in a little private nook at my suggestion then come 11.20pm he said he had to go due to work and having to get up at 6.30am...

Okay I knew he got up early but sometimes isn't it worth staying up late?! We hadn't even kissed and I thought it was imminent. We didn't meet up until 8pm and after all the finding him online, waiting all week for a second date and then all the date prep I was not a little put off by his wanting to end the date so very early. I hadn't thought much about when we would say goodnight but I guess probably 1pm or 2pm was the hour I had in mind. 11.20pm seemed bloody early to me.

I was obviously surprised but tried to keep upbeat although only allowed him to kiss goodnight to my cheek. Remaining cheerful does have its limits.

But surely this is ideal? I do want to be taken out and have dinner and drinks paid for by a jolly nice chap and not feel any obligation to sleep with him... and yet perhaps because of Germanicus and his general lack of interest in sex and because of Phd Boy and his lack of capability I now rather want some sort of physical interest in me... Oh Mr Blonde what a sap you are and this sort of treatment of girls is clearly why you have ended up dating online for although you are quite prepared to pay for dinner et al you then show no real interest in the girl although you probably feel it...

Set fair.

Well I have been dating Phd Boy for 3 weeks now and have been on 6 or so dates in that time and so far all is going rather well. He is a very nice boy and we really do have a good time together. He is intelligent and interested in things, has a good social life and is definitely attractive. Clearly likes me a lot and is eager to see me and is interested in going to museums as well as going out to bars. Then comes the big but...

Why on earth is there a but one might ask, when he sounds utterly lovely?

But there sadly is one. I am not entirely sure what it is but it certainly has something to do with the following: my over-thinking everything, our not yet having slept together, his being so keen on me that I can get him to agree with me on pretty much every subject, his exceptionally hairy back, my constantly comparing him in my head to my ex Germanicus and the fact he doesn't read fiction.

To be fair most of these are fixable by me: I must just relax and stop over-thinking the whole thing, we will soon sleep together I am sure so I should stop obsessing as to when that will happen and comparing him to my ex is not entirely a bad thing but I should try and stop doing it so often.

Of the other three: I would dearly love him to get his back waxed... but I do realise I really can't ask him to do that yet, I will just hope that I can tempt him with the idea in the not too distant future. It really is terribly hairy though and I must admit I do find it very off putting... But he offered (and was immediately accepted I might add) to shave his beard off after only two dates when I mentioned something about preferring the clean shaven look so he might well be prepared to do this at some point. His ready agreement and willingness to fit in with whatever I want is actually in many ways a good thing, though long-term I see it could be jolly annoying. But right now it means that we see the films I want to watch, go to the places I like and generally do lots of me type things. In telling my mother about some of our dates she noticed this immediately and accused me of forcing my tastes on him, but truly I suggest and he always just agrees. It also amuses me to bring up particular opinions to test whether he will very quickly change his own and agree with me though which I must be careful about. I recently championed fox-hunting just to gauge his reaction and although he started off not agreeing with me he very soon changed sides! I would actually love it if he could come up with opinions, likes and places to go that are different from mine, however, as I believe that one of the lovely things about new relationships or even friendships is being exposed to new experiences. Currently it is only he who is having his horizons expanded.

As for the last big but: his failure to read fiction. Well he started to read fiction what sounded like as soon as our first date had finished! I had of course mentioned authors and books and he seemed to go straight to Waterstones. I must admit to being rather pleased about this, and at the very least I have encouraged someone to read more.

Since our first date I have actually given up the world of internet dating... I really do like him and don't like to date more than one person at the same time. I must admit I have also lied to absolutely everyone about how I met Phd Boy, I tell everyone we met in a coffee shop... Also got him to agree to stick to the party line over this! Very silly to mind but I while I am prepared to internet date I greatly prefer for people not to know.

So he is a lovely boy who I like to spend time with and who really doesn't have any actual flaws... perhaps it is simply that I don't feel a spark? Whatever the flaws of the ex, and he had many indeed, I was nuts about him right from the beginning. But maybe sparks can develop as people spend time together? I really do like him and if I can just stop myself from thinking the whole thing to death I think we could have a very nice time together indeed.

Sam Vimes and his Lady Sybil...

Oh gosh I do hate Valentines Day when I am single. I have spent all day seeing couples everywhere, even when I went shopping I kept seeing couples holding hands and then the men paying for lots of lovely underwear and perfume and chocolates for the women in their lives... Arrgh!!!

At times like these I think of all the wonderful men in literature who I find deliciously romantic, Sam Vimes being at the top of the list. This is deeply ironic as he wasn't at all romantic, but what happened between him and Sybil felt so deep and just incredibly special. A real proper connection exists between them, they love each other truly and deeply and yes I do believe passionately, he just doesn't go in for gestures. Just as well he has Sybil as I am a girl who adores romantic gestures!

Last night I watched Braveheart and cried. I always cry at the end, I love it and his fight, but above all the deep and abiding love he carries for his dead wife. Rhett Butler speaks to me as well, he would have gone all out for a Valentines Day with Scarlet and would have done so because it meant a lot to her rather than because he liked roses and chocolates. Oh gosh what I wouldn't give for a man like that who made my heart beat hard and fast.

I am very intentionally not thinking about Germanicus... I have been an awful lot recently and I do hope it is because of St Valentine and his bloody day. I go round and round lots of different issues in general but then last night I got very upset. My flatmate and her boyfriend were giggling and having a lovely time in the other room and I suddenly felt hugely lonely. I felt this urge to get back in touch with him but then I remembered that I had tried to get us back together and he had said no... It is about time I took that as closure and moved on.

However, I refuse to mope or be in the depths of despair (a charming Anne of Green Gables reference there) and so I am going to my friend's flat (she of the married man affair fame... still to hear from him on whether he is going to give her up or leave his wife.... she has now been waiting almost 6 weeks!) and we are going to eat lots of yummy things and polish off a couple of bottles of champagne, pink to match the special day!

A fool for love.

Recently I have  taken to thinking of my ex-boyfriend a good deal and about our relationship. I can't yet write that I forgive him or that I wouldn't care if I suddenly saw him again but I am a lot happier and calmer than when we were together latterly. I read a very interesting article in The Times about a study conducted over a few years whereby people kept diaries detailing their sex lives and how they felt about the amount, frequency, etc of it all. My sex life with Germanicus almost always left me wanting more...

I am now, some months further on, able to admit that he is a good person but he was never terrific in bed. Yes there were some good nights under the sheets but then we were together for years and so you would hope that there were some good nights. But mostly he was very boring in bed. I tried lots of different things to spice up our sex life: candles, incense, massage bars, different places, positions, sex books and so on and on and on and on. Those things did all help but mostly they would just help the first time or two and then he would revert back to his normal, and dreadfully boring, routine.

In The Times article there was one case in particular that hit me hard and that was of a lady in her fifties who was looking back on how her marriage first started out. She commented that when she and her husband were in the early years of their relationship they couldn't get enough of each other and had sex every opportunity they had... I would love to say that I have experience that with someone but the truth is I haven't and would like to. With Germanicus I certainly felt that way but sadly he wasn't keen on terribly frequent even in the very early days and certainly not later on either.

At the time I was forgiving and later as I thought we would be together for ever I was a little sad, but now I am anticipatory and excited as I hope to go out with someone who feels that way about me and who I feel that way about also. There are currently four chaps I rather like and so we shall see if anything is soon afoot, I do hope so! Valentines is only a week away but I have already planned a night of champagne with the friend who is still (almost 5 weeks!) waiting to hear from her married lover and lots of jolly anti-valentines chatting.

It is over and my heart is broken.

After almost 4 months (4 months this coming Monday) of missing Germanicus desperately and getting upset about him often yesterday afternoon I thought about it long and hard and came to the decision that I didn't need to wait for him to come to me prepared to make the changes necessary for us to get back together and to tell me he loves me but that I was so miserable without him and so tired of waiting for him to come to me that it no longer mattered and I wanted to be with him so much that I should just go to him.

I was sure he wanted us to be back together as well. For the last month or so he has been very affectionate every time we have met up. Lots of cuddling, trying to hold my hand, sitting through films with his arm round me and making comments about things we would do together in the next few months. I was very aware that I had hurt him badly when I split up with him and believed that to be the reason why he had not said anything about getting back together, because he didn't think that was what I wanted.

I sent him an email in the early evening saying I needed to see him urgently and we met up after his lecture. I wanted to go back to my flat immediately and talk but he was hungry so we went to a nearby pub where he had chilli and I got nervous. It felt so good sitting next to him and chatting and feeling like we were back together already. It was all I could do to stop myself kissing him right there and then but I thought that it would be better to have the getting back together talk first, and after all there seemed to be no reason to hurry.

After leaving the pub (where I intentionally limited myself to one glass of wine, I didn't want him to think I was spurred on to make a decision because I was tipsy) I couldn't wait any longer but as he tried to put his arm round me I stopped us in the middle of the street and asked him what he was doing and then why he was doing it. He said because he liked me. I coyly asked him what he meant by that and he smiled and looked embarrassed but wouldn't answer even after prompting. The obvious assumption was that he still adored me and so I laughed and said we should walk back to my flat but that when we got there I wanted him to answer the question.

We got back and I asked him again, he gave the same answer but added that I was his special friend. He refused to be drawn further than that so I just went for it and asked him what he now felt about me. After ages and lots of manly embarrassment at having to talk about his feelings he said liked me as a friend. I was sorry that he couldn't tell me the truth which based on his behaviour was clearly that he still had feelings for me and that he would like for us to get back together.

I told him how I felt... and he said he didn't want to get back together.

He told me that he loves me but that he feels I betrayed him by splitting up with him and so that is that.

I don't think he ever did really love me, and he certainly doesn't now. I did not betray him, if anything he betrayed me by the whole living together debacle but while I can understand how he might feel betrayed and so on he totally lacks empathy and doesn't seem able to comprehend how I felt and why i split up with him. He seems to think I did it for no reason and so he now can't trust me. Where as I did it due to his pulling out of living together and because of the cruel and cowardly way in which he did it.

Since we split up I have secretly believed we would get back together and have really wanted us to. I now have to accept that we never will. I will not see him again and have deleted him on facebook. He has been such a huge part of my life for over 3 years and I am devastated. I don't really know what to do.

Ode to Becky Sharp.

I want to become Becky Sharp. She is completely independent, strong, capable, knows what she wants and goes for it, brave, beautiful, cunning and never falls in love or is a slave to love in any way. 'Vanity Fair' by William Makepeace Thackeray has been my favourite book of all time since I read it at the tender age of 13. I have ever since admired and adored its anti-heroine Miss Sharp who used her wits and her cunning to get what she wanted. Admittedly she is ruthless, cold and even heartless upon occasion but rarely without cause. She rose from nothing and created several lives for herself as she rose upwards in society. I always thought Thackeray might have allowed her to rise again after her tremendous fall from grace at the end but instead he gave the mld mannered and totally characterless milksop Amelia the more rounded ending. Although even there he was not above sticking the thorn in as he described her final family setup.

I met Germanicus for lunch a few hours ago and it was monstrous. I feel more confused than ever. I don't know what I want but I suspect it is him and that suspicion does not please me. I need to be more like Becky and simply pursue a nice chap who will take me out for lots of dinners rather than allow myself to be hung up over my ex. Onwards brave girl and find yourself another beau! I am even considering going on another date with that boring boy... I am attending a flat-warming party tonight so I think I will wait and see if I meet someone else before getting in touch with that chap again!

Meanwhile one of my close friends is clearly falling for her ex-lover the married man and my flatmate spends every single evening and night with her boyfriend. She met him a grand total of three weeks ago today and they have literally been inseperable ever since. I haven't met him yet but he sounds very nice though he is clearly a serial relationshipper and after only three weeks is already trying to make their relationship all official and proper girlfriend/boyfriendy. This wouldn't matter much with most girls but my flatmate has never had a proper relationship before (a good number of dates and a whole bunch of one night stands) and seems to be sending him commitment freak signs while he sends in love signs!

The significance of socks.

Tremendous party last night and got the grand total of 3 hours sleep before having to roll out of bed and into the shower thanks to the joy of morning lectures! Had a wonderful chat about graphic novel film adaptations with a friend of mine. He agreed with me that 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' films sucked but I was surprised that he liked the film version of 'Watchmen'. He claimed to prefer the ending to the film over that of the book and thought the film was a fine portrayal. I have not yet seen the film but loved the book so much that so far I have avoided it.

Sadly I did not avoid Wall Street 2 which I saw last weekend with Germanicus. It was totally my fault as I suggested it (we watched the first one together and I loved Gordon Gekko). It turned out to be very long indeed, had no plot, no likeable or believable characters and was dull beyond all sense or belief! But strangely I loved every minute of it because G's arm was across me with his hand resting on my knee (not holding it but resting on it). He sort of just put his arm across me when we sat down (holding hands in the cinema was always what we did) and I wanted him to keep it there too much to tell him not to. Feeling the lovely weight of his arm and loving being so close to him I almost burst into tears several times but this time I didn't but just let myself enjoy it and being there with him.

We went for thai food after the film (pad thai being one of my favourite dishes) and I stupidly got upset and had to excuse myself and run to the loo. It was all to do with his socks... For his last birthday I bought him very expensive beautiful designer socks which he loved. Every time since I have seen him since we split up I have at some point gently asked what socks he was wearing (lovely colourful ones is the answer) and never has it been one of the three pairs I got him. It has become some sort of symbol now and I got upset when yet again he wasn't wearing the socks I got him. I think I had it built up in my mind that he would realise I wanted him to wear them and do it to please me and that when he did it would show he wanted to please me and was willing to change even such a little thing to make me happy and that that would indicate he would change other little things and that if we gave things another shot then it would be different to our relationship before.

I am meeting G for lunch tomorrow (yummy sushi). His parents are visiting him this weekend and I didn't want to have to wait until next week to see him again. I would really like to have some sort of arrangement whereby we met up every week, I would like very much to know for sure every time we say goodbye that I will be seeing him again soon. A friend of mine was having an affair with a married man and only got to see him once a week. It was always on the same day and she has since told me how reassuring it was to know for sure that while other aspects of their relationship were in doubt (he wouldn't leave his wife, even though he claimed to be in love with my friend) that she knew she would be seeing him on that day every week. Sadly she is still in love with him even though she has a boyfriend and although she is not sleeping with the married man she is currently back to that one day a week meet up.

Sam Vimes and Lady Sybil?

I adore Terry Pratchett's discworld series. In it he has created a whole world and populated it with peoples (one has to say peoples as not only are there humans but also trolls, dwarfs etc) who are both an ironic take on other nationalities and also a loving homage. His characters are both funny and yet are so well formed and characterised that they can also be heart-breakingly real and poignant. I am always iritated by reviews of his books and articles about them where it is assumed that their sole audience is spotty teenage boys, I am an avid fan of the great man and know many other adults who also revere him, just because some hacks fail to appreciate his more subtle and very clever charms they dismiss him out of court.

Such perfect homages and ironic takes are found in Pratchett. He has based some of his characters on historical characters, one of my favourites being Lord Vetinari who is based on Niccolo Machiavelli. Vetinari is tremendous and so wonderfully cold blooded and so similar in my mind to his counterpart that recently when I re-read 'The Prince' I found myself picturing him as the august ruler of Ankh-Morpork. And there is another great homage, for the capital city of the disc is based on the classical Rome and all roads do indeed lead to Ankh-Morpork.

To my mind the best of the discworld series' (there are several different series within the many discworld books, each different series focusing on a particular set of characters) is without a doubt the city watch books. There is nothing to beat the glorious Sam Vimes and if he were not so perfectly matched to Lady Sybil I would feel quite jealous!

I was thinking of Sam Vimes earlier for some odd reason and it got me thinking about love. He had a very brusque sort of courtship and yet one never doubted the great love behind it and then behind his marriage. I have always sought the hearts and roses type of courtship but while I adore the fuss with Germanicus I still felt the solidity of his feelings and of our relationship. I miss him very badly indeed and it is starting to overwhelm me. I think of him every day and often throughout each day. Were he to want to get back together and to promise that certain of the things that split us up would change then I would throw myself into his arms and stay there. But as it is we continue to meet up (sadly I am still the one to always suggest we meet up, he seems wonderfully happy to see me each time but I think my splitting up with him has made him less eager to suggest meetings to me) and I have started to cry when we do.

The last time I said goodbye prematurely as I knew I was going to cry and so goodnighted and then walked off, but he followed me. I cried and didn't say why and after once telling him I was fine he didn't ask again. The time before I went over to his flat to watch a dvd and I cried almost the whole way through but in a silent sort of way and as I have long hair and he was next to me he didn't notice. I cry when I am with him because it is just so nice and reassuring and contented being with him, like it used to be. My life is very happy and full of other things but I still miss the contentment and perhaps the safety of being with G.

Do I want to get back together with him? And at what cost? Would I be prepared to initiate it? To the latter at least I am still saying no. If I were to, in effect, go back to him then our relationship would just slip back into what it used to be and that is certainly not what I want.  I so want him to love me enough to try and get me back, but it didn't happen when I split up with him and it just isn't happening now. I do believe he may still love me but G is very wary about letting people get properly close to him and in his mind I can see I rejected him. I miss him so badly it hurts and I never seem to forget about it.

I used to really believe that G and I would go the distance and remain the loving and happy couple we were until the end of our days. It did seem incredible but while with him I felt so happy and was never the least bit interested in anyone else. We knew each other well and enjoyed so many of the same things. Even now when I have been single over 3 months and met lot of men since I haven't yet kissed anyone else, I have liked a few boys but somehow getting close to them feels weird and makes me panic.

But I don't know if I still love him. I was unhappy due to his lack of commitment and other things and the relationship soured as a result but when I split with him I still felt love. Sometimes I wonder if I have persuaded myself that being apart is for the best and that my heart is trying to tell me otherwise. 

I really thought we could be a united front like Sam and Sybil... Well Sam Vimes would not sit around moping and I am not either! Went to a terrific party last week and have another splendid sounding one tomorrow night. Always possible I might meet a new chap. The boring date guy keeps calling me... I wonder what he wants?! Must make myself available to men and just be happy and confident and not over think things!

Capturing the moment.

I miss Germanicus very much indeed and it is with great effort that I have not been in touch with him over the last few days. I often look at his facebook page and today while doing so noticed that there are now only 10 photos in which we are both tagged. There used to be many more. Why he has only untagged some of them seems rather odd to me. Of the 10 that remain 6 are of us on our own while in the rest we are in a group of people. I feel really mixed up about it. Part of me wants to untag him in the 10 that remain but I don't think that would achieve anything. He has significantly untagged all the pictures of us together on our last holiday together from over a year ago. Maybe it indicates he is is also hurt and thinking of me? But if so why not untag himself in all our pictures together? It is also possible that he did some of this ages ago and that I have only just realised. He was always keen on untagging himself from some photographs I put up of us together anyway (I might add that he always looked fab in them and never understood why he didn't like some of them).

I finished my re-reading of the last Adrian Mole this morning in bed. I adore his diaries, they always sum up their time period exactly by a clever combination of pop culture references, politics and general public feeling. I do hope there will be another book but Sue Townsend is very ill and so it does seem unlikely, but then I never thought the last one would be published so fingers crossed that in another four years (they are published every four years typically) I will get a new installment.

I plan to move onto another Zola next, the first in his 'Les Rougon-Macquart' series which spans 20 books. I am very excited as if I enjoy it I will have another 19 wonderful books to plough through for my biggest sadness is coming to the end of a literary tale.

Contact.

The Tory chap I went on the rubbish date with over a week ago called me last night, I ignored the call. I saw no point in answering it as I don't want to start dating him and answering the phone would probably have led to him asking me to sort of event or to meet up with him and when confronted like that over the phone I am not always able to think up a good excuse not to, emails and texts are much easier as one can think about the reply first. Having him call did make me realise that I had given no thought to him since our date of over a week before, which threw into sharp contrast my frequent thoughts about Germanicus and his lack of contact.

We last met two weeks ago today and since then we have facebooked a couple of times and texted several times, although no contact at all since the weekend. I would really like him to get in touch and suggest we meet up as I have promised myself that I will not be one to suggest meeting up again. I suggested all of our previous meetings bar the first one (probably about 6 or 7 in all) and so it seems important for it to be him the next time. Sadly I will probably have a long time to wait! I have been jolly busy myself recently what with being back at uni and out with friends, but I do still find I have a lot more free time than I used to. I am filling this gap by working more and going to the gym. I only discovered going to the gym last year and now adore it!

In fact not only have I been the one arranging us meeting up but I even engineered my sleeping over at his flat a few weeks ago which I have previously failed to admit to anyone, even to this blog. It was a Saturday night and my flatmate was out of town, after going to see 'Tamara Drewe' at the cinema (which I enjoyed very much even though they mucked up the ending) I walked back to my flat and after stuffing some crucial overnight items in my bag I called G and pretended that I had locked my keys in my flat and that as my flatmate was away I was stuck... He was lovely and offered me his spare bed which I happily accepted. I went over to his flat where we stayed up stupidly late watching Star Trek and having a lovely time chatting. Nothing at all inappropriate happened but in the morning we did indulge in some fleeting cuddling in his bed before I left. I had really wanted to spend time with him and was also lonely in an unrelated to him fashion. It was really comforting to see him and to be in his flat again was nice. I had spent a huge amount of time there while we were together and it was so cosy to be there with him again. He didn't suspect that I was fibbing and even when mentioning the fact I stayed over to a few friends I also lied to them and pretended I really had lost my keys. I was also inspired to act out my little scheme because I knew that once uni started up again I would be busy and less desperate to see him and so allowed myself to indulge my wish to spend time with him as I anticipated that this wish would die down.

That wish has lessened. I still think about him an awful lot but not in the desperate way I felt before. I am now able to think of him a lot without mentioning his name constantly to others, without getting in touch with him for days on end and without feeling angry and hurt that he has not been in touch with me. I am learning to accept that perhaps he didn't feel as passionately about me as I did about him and that while I have had to work through lots of things since we split up he has found the adjustment to a single life much easier.

The killer question.

Now that term has started I have been meeting lots of lovely new men and to all of them I ask the same question: Do you read? and it's follow up questions about what exactly they read. The question of books is all important and, for me at least, a wonderful way of seperating out possibly interesting men from the less than interesting.

On Tuesday night I was out at a drinks thing and met several rather charming chaps. One in particular I found very attractive and so I lost no time in asking the deal breaker. Thankfully his initial answer was yes, he does indeed read. But sadly for us both when asked what work of literature he was currently enjoying he said he was reading a Dan Brown... A Dan Brown of all things! Good grief! I was horrified and not a little put off. He made back some of his lost ground by commenting on his liking of Joseph Conrad books, but since I don't much care for that author I wasn't overly impressed by that either, but at least his books are classics. Dan Brown, and to admit to it so casually!!!

I often find that people react oddly when asked about their reading habits, almost as though it were a school test on something they should have revised. They get all flustered and I strongly suspect many of them of fibbing about what their favourite book is as they often chose literature considered difficult. Once I was told that their favourite book was 'War and Peace' which at first delighted me and I launched into a discussion about it, only to find they had very strangely forgotten basic plot details!

I do hope I meet that attractive chap again even if he does read Dan Brown for he was rather nice. While out last night I was asked for my number by a rather sweet German student who like me adores swimming. I am not much interested in him but he was okay and if asked out for drinks I would probably accept. My fat and pompous friend has invited me over to his flat for port and cheese this afternoon. It certainly sounds like a friendly invitation but sadly he rather obviously fancies me. We know lots of the same people and also have some lectures together and whenever I leave to go home he springs up and walks me back. He is very nice indeed but desperately unattractive physically. It would really be much easier if he were just to ask me out so that I could say something kind about liking him as a friend so that we can put this awkwardness behind him. Were he not friends with so many people I know I might have gone on a few dates with him but were I to do that and then end it it might make things very uncomfortable to be around him and I see him at four lectures a week plus at least one social occasion weekly as well so friends it must be.

Looking forward to a cosy night in this evening. Three months ago tonight I split with Germanicus and I have decided to celebrate by eating my favourite junk foods, drinking a really good bottle of wine and watching the best television show of all time: Arrested Development.