The path trodden alone.

The single life can be heart-wrendingly lonely at times, no matter how much you enjoy your own company and relish your independently spent nights of solitude reading books and drinking red wine. To tread day after day through birthdays, festive events, parties, nights out, dinners etc as a solo party has the potential to become dispiriting and can end up leaving you with a dull ache, the sense of something not actually missing but just not present.

I like being a single entity, just me against the world, able to make all decisions irrelevant to the whims and desires of others. But every so often I so spend time, oh usually nothing more than a few days, but typically only an evening, feeling horribly and inescapably lonely. This evening I had drinks with a friend who has newly moved in with her boyfriend and while I might have expected to feel a trace of jealousy mixed in with my joy for her, it was not that that left me feeling alone. Rather it was the way in which her whole life seems to have changed, and I suppose the sub-conscious fear within me that I won't fit into it any more. They have started to socialise a great deal with other couples: dinner parties, nights out and so on, as well of course as lots of time just the two of them, and their lives now look so very complete and filled up with things. I guess I feel a little pushed out. Or perhaps it is simply the fact that every time I now see her she seems to talk endlessly about her boyfriend, their new flat and in intricate detail about their new life together. It is lovely to see her so happy, I just wish she could do rather a lot more of the looking happy and a great deal less of the talking about it, I do think it a tad insensitive for her to have gone on about it so very much.

Lancelot has a girlfriend... this was of course inevitable but I liked him so very much that I am sad about it. He is the only chap I have fancied so rotten in a long time and we had such chemistry together and got along so well... Yes he is a bastard, yes he probably would have cheated on me (no I won't let him cheat on this girl with me), and yes he would have left me broken hearted. But morosely I imagine I would prefer to at least feel something for a boy even if it does end in heart break. These boys I date, they tend to me very nice and all but I never feel anything very much for any of them, certainly not after the initial excitement has worn off. I long to fall hopelessly, overwhelmingly in love again.

I think 2012 will be the year of my second great love. Oh how wonderful to this time next year have, or perhaps have had, a splendid love affair.

The over-sharer.

I think I have lately developed a rather unhealthy disposition to over share. A couple of weeks ago, after my date of the night before, I seemed to spend all day updating people on how things are going with Mr Blonde. I spent ages chatting to my hairdresser about it while getting my locks attended to, then bumped into my beautician also at the hairdresser and so filled her in, I met three friends at the library and told them, then first my mother and then my sister called so they got hear all about it (although admittedly my mother always gets a slightly different toned down version of my dates) and then I went out with friends in the evening, having of course spoken to my flatmate on the subject, to fill them in as well... But somehow Lancelot always wins and although I went out to regale my chums about Mr Blonde I ended up coming back to say goodnight to my flatmate and simultaniously announcing my love for Lancelot... She told me I had gone out besotted by Mr Blonde and arrived home having seemingly forgotten his existence.

We are still dating and things really are going well. Probably because I don't see him terribly often. It was his birthday a couple of weekends ago so I got him a very sweet present which he was incredibly touched by, and really that seems to have clinched it. I knew he liked me but now he seems to have been pushed over the cliff edge and really is very keen indeed. He has finally started telling his friends he is seeing someone and at long last he invited me back to his flat. I didn't go (was v late at night by then and I had an early start) but most promising that he asked me.

But then once again it has been another fortnight or so since I last saw him... this always seems to happen and means that no real connection can build up between us as it is always such a while since we were last together. It is definitely also the reason we still haven't slept together. The latter being rather peculiar when one works out that I have now been dating him on and off for four months!

University has kept me very busy of late but I am now free once more and it really would be lovely to either start going out with Mr Blonde properly or to find someone else. Lancelot I have pretty much given up hope of... alas sweet Lancelot my knight true and fair, would that you would love me...

Blast from the past.

Decided that I needed to do some research into the whole friends with benefits idea in regards to Lancelot and so spent yesterday watching 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Friends with Benefits' and 'No Strings Attached' thanks to the wonders of megavideo. The former I rather enjoyed but although I did like that they got together at the end I found it all strangely passionless... oh for sure they loved each other and had great fun and chemistry in that sense together, but there never felt like there was a physical attraction between them. There never felt any overwhelming lust and need between them to hook up and so I was left a little off put by that. Where as I thought the friends who get together thanks to a cringy double date were wonderful and I did much more believe in their chemistry. 'Friends with Benefits' had its moments, particularly thanks to a wonderful performance by Patricia Clarkson as the mother of the female lead, but I found it pretty tedious. It wasn't all funny and sexy but instead both characters though very attractive were really very dull. And the plot was nonexistent. It all felt much more like a couple who just have a rocky start to their relationship rather than any interesting and potentially challenging material about f**k buddies. However, it was head and shoulders above 'No Strings Attached' which despite the ever watchable Natalie Portman I found so dreary I couldn't be bothered to finish it. Which there is absolutely no need to do anyway as from the beginning we are all convinced (and quite right I might add) that the two characters will eventually get together and admit that they are in love.

I wonder if my research is slightly off... Books and Hollywood have already convinced me of the might and power of love, and how I will one day find the perfect man for me etc etc etc, could it be possible that Hollywood has also given me the wrong message about being special friends with a boy? Could it possibly be that Lancelot and I having gone down that path won't one day turn to each other and admit out love? But then if that does happen surely we will slip immediately into the plot of the ghastly 'One Day' (both book and film so it must be accurate) and over the years be friends of varying sorts before at long last getting married?

Well a girl can hope! The problem of course being (which is horribly obvious and equally horribly true) that I already adore him and he almost certainly (books have taught me that one is never sure what the man really feels, just look at Mr Darcy for dear old Lizzie Bennett had no idea he wanted to marry her until he proposed) doesn't feel the same way about me. I do wish I could convince myself he doesn't care for me... but sadly it is always possible to delude oneself and hold tightly onto little gestures or comments and give them a value and impetus they were not meant to contain.

But now that another uni term has begun I have lots to keep me occupied, not least that yesterday I made the alarming discovery that the hot lecturer I asked out last term has not moved on to another university as I was previously informed was the plan, but is in fact still here! I am horrified! Oh dear god the thought of having him as a lecturer again is so embarrassing... in fact I don't have him as a lecturer I am pretty sure but that still leaves the infinitely worse problem that I might get him as a tutor... that would be a nightmare as tutorial groups are very small and there would be so many opportunities for eye-contact and him thinking I had turned up earlier in order to try and speak to him alone.

I still feel that life is short and that one should grab any opportunities to go out with someone you like but really this is why one doesn't ask out a lecturer! I feel very cross and betrayed, he was supposed to be teaching somewhere else by now, I had it on good authority he wouldn't be teaching here still! Oh well with any luck I won't get taught by him, but that does still leave the dreaded possibility that I will bump into him, and in fact could bump into him at any time... But though I am now fearing such an encounter, just like in the case of Lancelot it does still occur to me at the back of mind that something might still happen between us... gosh I need to get a grip and stop daydreaming but it would be so lovely...

But I am keeping busy with men who are actually available and do actually fancy me and tomorrow is date number 3 with Mr Blonde while a chap who asked me out years ago (I was with Germanicus at the time and had to say no) has been back in touch and we are going to meet for drinks soon. Oh it is nice to feel one has options!

Friends with benefits.

Mr Blonde has been back in touch and we are meeting later in the week, the Blue Peter Chap is rather boring me now after three dates and still no kiss goodnight... but I think I will give him another shot as well. While Lancelot and I have been involved in witty and amusing texting amid further pleas for me to go and visit him again in the near future. I adore him and even though I consider him quite unsuitable as a boyfriend my imagination has rather been running away with me and I keep having visions of us in five years time suddenly realising we are made for each other and getting married... Probably should stop myself from that kind of thinking before it gets out of hand. But as I consider him not to be boyfriend material (not only because I think he would cheat but also because he lives too far away) I have been wondering about the friends with benefits idea. Lots of dirty weekends could be very good fun and surely if I knew that was all it was from the outset I wouldn't get hurt? Thinking along those lines I stumbled across the following, however, http://theurbandater.com/dating/friends-with-benefits.php/ and am now convinced that this has been his plan from the beginning.

The article sets out all the ways a man can lead a girl into such a relationship and I have to admit Lancelot as pretty much done them all to perfection!

Don't go on dates: He was very clear we were not on a date and indeed told me so at least twice in case I mistakenly thought we were.

Treat her like a friend: Lancelot certainly did this. There was lots of teasing and general banter back and forth, he didn't compliment me (well he did give in once or twice but this was not the general theme) and was generally chummy rather than in any way romantic.

Be sexual from the start: Yup he certainly was and we probably (he claimed he wanted to get to know me properly before we did but would clearly have given in if I had) only didn't have sex that night because I declined.

Make her see you are not 'serious': Well he definitely succeeded on this one as filled with so many hints and stories about one-night stands and ex-girlfriends I am sure he wouldn't be able to commit to a relationship with me.

No emphasis on kissing: And again yes! Lancelot's kisses were sparing, in fact incredibly so compared to other men I have dated and starkly lacking considering how close we came to having sex.

Sleep alone: Must admit he declined to share a bed with me and went off to the spare room...

He is grooming me to be his fuck buddy I am sure of it! Not unhappy at the prospect but really he is following all but one of the list of requirements and the only one he isn't following is the don't see her too often rule which he has going for him anyway as I live so far away!

Amused and rather unsure what my reaction is... Really I think I am quite flattered that he likes and is interested in me in any way whatsoever. I know I am great and have many fine attributes and also look jolly nice, but Lancelot I find so charming and utterly handsome that he makes me (this and the lack of compliments which I must admit I am rather used to receiving from men I am even sort of dating) feel unworthy of him and so to be of any interest to him at all... very pathetic of me but sadly true. And I know I would much rather be his friend with benefits than the girlfriend of either Mr Blonde or the Blue Peter Chap. Or perhaps I have just been reading too much Cooper and have become convinced that Lancelot is in fact my Rupert Campbell-Black?!

Oh wonderful RCB! I have late in life discovered the naughty delights of Jilly Cooper books. It is my great new shame as far as low-brow literature goes but thanks to my darling new Kindle no-one need ever know about it. I was most amused to discover on Amazon that of the top 100 free kindle downloads at least 20% are for erotica. People are obviously thrilled that at long last they can read whatever type of book they like without being judged in ay way for no longer do they have to brave the smirks of the cashier or the dread thought of their neighbour getting their parcel by mistake, oh no all they have to do is download it onto their kindle and they can then perfectly happily read their guilty pleasure on the bus to work without anyone being any the wiser! Gosh I do love Jilly Cooper... the books (yes although it has taken me a long time to stumble upon them I am making up for lost time and am already devouring my second) are in fact surprisingly intelligently and well written, the characters cleverly drawn and the plots are naughty without being actually smutty and all in all the books are best summed up as being jolly good fun and frightfully enjoyable.

The curse is come upon me.

I mused in an earlier post if my search for love would end like life did for the Lady of Shalott and call me stupid but having just very much enjoyed re-reading the poem I have spotted that the darling knight in it who causes the Lady's downfall is of course called Lancelot... Why did I not spot this before, or perhaps I sub-conciously did and that was why I called my arrogant boy in London Lancelot? Perhaps he is destined to break my heart and so I will float away down the river to Camelot

I discussed the matter with my two closest friends yesterday at great length and from my honest description of him (arrogant, confident, clever, hard work but so much fun and jolly good looking - although it has to be said that after looking at photographic evidence of this they didn't agree) they both warned me and said it sounded as though he would mess me about and end up hurting me, especially as I seem to like him so much already. They also promised to be very kind to me when it all ends in tears and only to use their 'Told you so' expressions until I am strong enough to hear it in actual words.

I know that they are right because if our positions were reversed I would say exactly the same to either of them. But the truth is that it is rare to find someone you feel overwhelmingly physically attracted to, as they both had the grace to admit, and when that is combined with mental compatibility as well... So I had decided to go for it. Not to shilly shally along and try and wait for him to make all the running, but to properly dive in and see if what will happen between us. I know he is a jerk in many ways and that he almost certainly won't treat me properly or with the respect I deserve, but the truth is I am already rather besotted and life is short, I have only met one other man who attracts me so strongly (the yummy lecturer who turned me down) and so I am determined to enjoy whatever aspects of this I can and to have Lancelot in my life as much as possible.

I rarely meet people I find so interesting that I want to spend endless amounts of time with them, but he is one such. He is such a challenge in conversation let alone in any other way, we battle back and forth, constantly needing to be on our toes. We swap insults, squabble over literature and history, fight over politics and occasionally agree which always feels rather blissful and as though we are suddenly united and on the same side.

I am a hopeless monogomous romantic and so secretly would like him to simply be my boyfriend, but since he does live so far away and is so promiscuous I doubt that will happen any time soon. I am, however, quite prepared to settle for some sort of less conventional arrangement but lets face it I will only really see that as a means to an end.

He was rather keen on me too, especially shown as someone like him is not usually prepared to wait to get to know a girl better before sleeping with her, and from other things he said and did I do know he likes me. The question is simply how much he likes me? Added to which he is around my age and men like him are rather like the ghastly Dexter in the dreadfully boring and hugely over-rated book 'One Day', Maxim de Winter in 'Rebecca' or Mr Rochester in 'Jane Eyre'; they sleep around and are total cads while young and if they are prepared to settle down and commit to a girl properly then it doesn't tend to happen until they are older or have suffered big set backs like losing their career or eye-sight and so at last worked out the value of a committed relationship. After all there is no other way that plain women like Emma, the unnamed heroine or Jane Eyre would end up with such devilishly handsome chaps.

Meanwhile I am going on my third date with the Blue Peter Chap tomorrow night: dinner and drinks. He is jolly nice and will at the very least behave like a gentleman and treat me nicely... Why does that suddenly seem so dull in comparison to the wild and gloriously fun and naughty Lancelot...

Mr Alf to the life.

I am now safely installed in my friend's house in the South of England having spent a couple of days in the company of Lancelot... And sadly yet inevitably I utterly adore him and can think of nothing else. He is even more arrogant and even more of a tosser than I remembered but I find it dreadfully appealing. He  is just the sort of man I have always found irrisistable, the hard ruthless and utterly appalling man who makes a great success of his life and becomes incredibly powerful through their own skill, intensive self-promotion and through bloody fighting and under-hand manoveres. The sort of bastard that Rupert Murdoch or Augustus Melmott in Anthony Trollope's 'The Way We Live Now' are; smooth, successful, harsh and devastating but so tremendously successful that I respect their ambition and drive as they conquer  all before them. Of course poor old Melmott didn't succeed in the end so in that book Mr Alf might be a better comparison, he was determined, very clever and fought hard and beat all before him. I love that sort of man... I used to fantasise about marrying someone like that who would be so hard and ruthless to the world yet would be able to show their soft side to me alone... Lancelot, from what I could remember about him (we had only met once before several years ago after all) and from facebook, I knew to be physically appealing to me as well: well built and fair haired (though he isn't as tall as I tend to like). But in person I found him devastatingly attractive. I have rarely felt so physically attracted to someone... gosh he was hard to resist!

But in the end I did resist and I declined to sleep with him.

He has slept with a lot of girls and I soon realised that if we had sex I would soon be less interesting to him and I am determined that should not be case. If nothing else it is simply wonderful to have someone to go and stay with when I want to visit London for an exhibition or the theatre (I used to go down rather a lot with Germanicus but that option has obviously gone).

I was horribly nervous for the last hour or so on the train before meeting but was much comforted by frequently looking into my hand mirror to see that all my work with the make-up brushes had paid off (really it takes a hell of a long time to look as natural as I do) and I was very pleased with my pretty summer dress and beautifully painted nails, not to mention the carefully chosen pieces of jewellery which complimented and finished the whole look splendidly. Within one minute of meeting again I knew I liked him very much indeed and within ten I knew I was going to have to be very careful indeed if my heart was not going to become involved.

He is charming and so sharp, teases one greatly and always plays to win. He goes to great effort to seem detached himself and rather than just being nice and complimentary and easy to muddle along with like most men he makes things harder and is casually insulting and hard work to keep up with. However, I can give as good as I get and I really did on this occasion. He batted hard balls to me: all sorts of different and challenging subjects, the whole how good is your background thing, exes and what sort of attributes they have and how that makes you look better for having gone out with them, education, current affairs, insults and sticking up for yourself and your views... but I fought hard and am very proud to say in the end there was a distinct (well of course he would argue he won, he just being that sort of chap) draw. I love to be challenged and he certainly does, but I find that there are so few people out there who do present a proper challenge, and on so many levels as well that I had a terrific time battling it out with him.

We did drinks and dinner and went back to his abode to watch Game of Thrones (only the first episode which was intriguing and I expect will warm up as the series goes on so will likely stick with it). We then almost had sex but by this point I had heard about various girls (I am sure this was intentional to keep me on my toes, and I managed to slip in lots of bits about past dates of mine) and knew that to retain his interest long enough before he had the chance to get to know me properly I needed to not sleep with him so soon. Sweetly he actually admitted this himself and we left it that he liked me a lot and wanted to see me again, and that we would hold off. But gosh it was hard not to, he really is jolly devastating!

He had a four year relationship which ended in some ghastly way too young engagement and they split two months after that. That was about a year ago and he has just been doing lots of sleeping around since but apparently recently decided to try and wait three dates before doing so as it was about time he started to date properly. The only bad thing is that Lancelot is clearly still hung up over his ex... I do dislike that as of course one then feels there might be no room in his heart for a new proper relationship and sadly I have been totally thrown by the wonderful combination of looks, attitude, brains and ambition that he presents so that I would love nothing more than to be his girlfriend. Of course being the type of man he is I tried very hard not to hint at this at all but I am a little afraid I let him see I liked him.

Alas he lives so far away and unless he takes me up on my suggestion that I break my journey back home by staying over this Thursday night then I won't see him again for months. All for the best I expect as uni is starting again very soon and I do want to dedicate myself to my academic pursuits during term time. But he does want to see me again in general (really he seemed to like me rather a lot in the end... perhaps he doesn't meet many girls who present as much of a challenge as he himself presents?) so if nothing else I have found a charming friend in London who can put me up when I want to visit the glorious capital.

The Blue Peter Chap has been in touch since our second date and wants to see me again. We had a very nice meal together before I hit London, but although I like him he is not a patch on Lancelot and is clearly much shyer with girls. I love Lancelot's take chargeness, he just goes for it and doesn't do all the dreadful waiting around for ages before even kissing a girl or waiting for ages after that before sleeping with her. Blue Peter didn't even kiss me goodnight... but did sweetly compliment me afterwards about how lovely I looked and he is interesting to converse with so another date when I get back sounds like a plan.

In fact interestingly on the subject of kissing Lancelot went straight from kissing into trying to sleep with me, there was no long making out period by any stretch of the imagination, and in fact kissing to him just seemed like the starting move and pleasant accompaniment rather than any sort of stage in its own right which is how most men seem to treat it. Along with other telling little gestures this showed that although he has been used to sleeping with lots of girls he is not used to other types of intimacy which tend to belong in relationships.

Oh darling arrogant tosser I do so like you, I even get that butterflies in the tummy feeling when I think of you!

The Lady of Shalott?

I really must start getting used to dealing with my re-date nerves as with my luck I have years and years of first dates ahead of me over the years as I search valiantly for 'the one'. Today I have my first date with a chap found online. He is slightly younger than me which I am not keen on, but at least has finished uni and does something financial. Strangely almost all the men searching for love online seem to work with computers or in finance... perhaps there is a dearth of women in those fields? Anyway he seems jolly nice, looks cute in his pictures and reads books so we shall see how it goes. Meeting in a rather cool little cafe which also serves wine so depending on how nervous I turn out to be I might go for the yummy grape option rather than the coffee.

Lancelot has accepted my invitation to stay with him and I am going to visit a week tomorrow and spend the night at his flat. I do rather wonder what he intends to happen and perhaps should have found out if he actually does have a spare room? He is so handsome I feel jolly intimidated and so have started a punishing gym and healthy eating regime... or rather I was doing awfully well with it all this week until I woke up this morning sleepy and with a hangover so am relaxing it again until Monday! I feel so in awe of his beauty that I even considered doing that strange Beyonce diet whereby you eat nothing for a week except this strange concoction of lemon, cayenne pepper and something else all mixed together... Well let us see how I feel on Monday about my figure. I hate the idea of fasting and the health aspects of it but I do want to feel thin and pretty for Lancelot (I am quite aware of how pathetic that sounds!).

Mr Blonde claimed to be under the misapprehension that I was busy this week when I asked him out, he also claimed to be very busy himself and so unable to fit me in. I think he is not terribly interested and just didn't want to say he didn't want to see me again. I would have liked to see him again but feel no great loss.

Had a ghastly nightmare last night that Germanicus and I got back together and then got married... it was so vivid that I have been unable to shake off the horrible feelings it roused and feel most disturbed about it all. I have recently been feeling very sad about things with him, and I did unblock him on facebook (though have not added him as a friend). I know I should be very careful and not let myself get into contact with him again because I would only end up getting hurt and back where I was a year ago... But gosh I did love him and I do miss him still. Whenever I am walking about the city I do regularly wonder if I will bump into him or see him with another girl, but I never have.

I do hope my date goes well this afternoon but I am not overly fussed I must say. Plus I have another first date lined up for next week and three other men still on the go with the whole messaging thing so things are pretty rosy. Plus in huge news I have just bought a Kindle! I am ridiculously excited about it and have spent all morning stuffing it full of wonderful books. Older books are free to download so I m amassing quite a wonderful collection. The first book I intend to read on my darling new companion is Anthony Trollope's 'The American Senator'. I heard some of the first episode when it was serialised recently on Radio 4 and adored it. Very much looking forward to starting it later, the heroine reminded me very much of Becky Sharp from my favourite 'Vanity Fair.

Perhaps I will spend my whole life searching for love only to discover that it was right under my nose the whole time: my books. Or it could be that my life is the search for love and that once found the curse will come upon me like the lady of Shalott?

Gentlemen of differing sorts.

Well I am on a roll this evening - not only have I asked out Mr Blonde but I have also at long last accepted my handsome London friend Lancelot (he has always so some unknown reason reminded me of that brave knight) invitation to go and stay with him... Though calling Lancelot a friend is something of a stretch as we have only actually met once and that was years ago at a ball. He is very arrogant, jolly good looking and we have flirted in texts and on facebook a few times a year since then which would always end in his asking me to go and visit him in the great capital. And at long last I have accepted and practically invited myself...

Very scared of the whole thing for no apparent reason and that is why I have made myself say yes. I seem to be irrationally scared about disappointing him as he hasn't seen me for so very long and that he will meet me at the train station, take one look at me and groan inwardly as he realises he has no wish to sleep with me after all... Which now we are friends on facebook does seem unlikely even I must admit. Oh gosh he is so dishy (and nowadays not many men fit that delicious description, it being mostly reserved for old black and white movie stars).

Mr Blonde has not replied and so it does not look promising on that front, however, I have sent all my online admirers replies (well not all, only the ones I like the look of) and have accepted both offers of meetings involving beverages. Phd Boy has yet again been in touch and this time wants to meet up and have 'a hot beverage'... Jolly silly of him as I only agreed to be friends in order to be nice, and really what else could one say? Also had a spiffy and long chat on the phone to my darling friend who reminds me so strongly of Adrian Mole so on the whole it has been rather an active night on the gentleman front!

 Oh Mr Blonde, you don't realise how easily you are going to be supplanted!