Love is a losing game.

Watching Gavin Henson haplessly trying to flirt with a bunch of women on The Bachelor this evening was like watching a cattle market in full swing. It was rather sickening as the girls all vied for the affections of such a non-catch simply because he is good looking and famous and they are all single and seeking an eligible man... Reminded me of myself man hunting via the internet and so it has also occurred to me that I really should put more effort into the messages I am replying to. So far I must admit to have found them incredibly annoying to reply to as although it can be interesting to read what they have to say, for the most part they are pretty generic and I really do think it is so much easier and more effective to simply meet up after a couple of messages for it soon descends into a back and forth of short messages that don't really help one much in finding out about them.

I currently have about four on the go messaging back and forth and the favourite is a teacher in his early thirties. He is quite good looking, claims to be Oxbridge educated and reads books. He has also travelled and does seem interesting. One of my other front runners is a chap who does a lot of hill walking but he doesn't read as much. And a new find is one who loves Howl's Moving Castle. I found the latter myself by searching, where as usually I have been lazy on that front and rather waited for them to find me... Which is really stupid and of course this sort of course of action is exactly why I have not found men in real life either as I have always waited for them to find/approach/ask me out.

So new resolutions: spend more time and put more effort into my messages and do more searching of my own. But I do think that being very clear about loving books in my profile and messages is excellent as a way of whittling out the ones I am not going to find interesting in real life and also a good way to put off the ones who might not be interested in me. I value brains and education very highly and so there is really no point in pretending otherwise as I don't believe we would have enough in common, no matter how nice or good looking they turned out to be as if possible I would like to find a boyfriend rather than someone to go on three dates with.

The more time I spend looking for love and going on dates with disappointing me the more I realise how lovely Germanicus was and what a special chap he is. I am clearly hard to please and very picky, the pool of men out there is limited and there are so few who I find myself interested enough in to date, while finding those special men is horribly hard as well. Germanicus is very intelligent, interesting, kind, beautifully mannered, very traditional and properly courts a girl, we had a lot in common and he truly loved and cared about me. No he didn't prove to be the love of my love, but he was a splendid first boyfriend and the more time passes and the more my heart heals I am able to look back and see him as the wonderful person he is. I hope he feels the same way about me.

Now what of Mr Blonde? I have discussed what happened on our second date with several friends and they all agreed that the poor soul simply had to get up for work in the morning really early and so it was entirely acceptable that he said he had to leave, and that it didn't indicate any lack of attraction. He did actually text me the next day as well to say what a lovely time he had had with me the night before (and praised my choice of restaurant and bar – yet another boy who leaves me to chose where we go each time). I forced myself (I must admit to a mild cross feeling left from the totally lacklustre end to the night before) to send him a sweet little response in which I said how nice it would be to see him next week as I was going away until then. Not heard from him yet... so hoping that I do but I couldn't tell if he really liked me or not, and I spill some of my cocktail on him when I was trying to rearrange my dress while sitting on a high couch... he didn't seem to mind and was awfully nice about it... But really I think I am just clutching at straws now and trying to second guess what he thought. Besides do I even like him all that much? I think I would just like the ego boost of being asked for a third date, and since I have yet to find anyone else who is better I would be happy to stick with him while looking... But then being absolutely honest I say that sort of thing as a defence in case he turns out not to like me, so that I can turn around afterwards and claim I wasn't much fussed about him either. But really it would be so lovely to feel I had someone interested in me properly once again, it gives one such a jolly safe feeling to have a fond love interest and he does seem nice (oh lukewarm boring word - perhaps I am not so very keen on Mr Blonde and do just want the ego boost after all!).